Blue

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"What do you think of when you see the color blue?"

That's the writing prompt for our English journal entry. As soon as it leaves Mrs. Hummel's lips, a million voices fill my ears.

"The ocean."

"The sky."

"Some kid's eye after I beat him up."

"My bedroom wall."

"Kool-Aid."

"The horrible sweater my grandmother knit me for my birthday."

All these other people's opinions keep me from thinking of my own. My thoughts are already drowning in a sea of conversation.

Mrs. Hummel raps her fist against the whiteboard. "So you now all have your answers. Get out your notebooks and write!"

Zippers unzipping and backpacks opening fill my ears this time around. Leaning down over my chair, I grab my green notebook from my tote. The corners of the front page are fraying, and there are small rips on the edges. Nevertheless, it's held up well.

I open up to a clear page and grab a blue ballpoint pen from my pencil case. I stare down at the lined paper.

Nothing comes to mind easily. I could be completely unoriginal and talk about water and the sky like my other classmates. I could also think of something that sounds more philosophical, but would it have any emotional connection? Probably not.

I doodle little squigglies, circles, and stars on the corner of my paper. While everyone around me is furiously writing, I'm just sitting around, waiting for some idea to come to me. As I watch the blue ink from my pen flow onto the paper, I'm suddenly reminded of a distant memory.

My hands shake a little as I write down the first words.

Blue may remind some people of the ocean. It may remind some people of the sky. A blue Popsicle is wonderful on a hot day, while a blue blanket may keep someone warm on a winter day. Thousands of things are blue; from cups to houses, but one memory sticks out to me the most when I see the color blue.

When I was five, I remember loving almost everything. Life was simple and easy.

There's a community pool about five blocks from my house, and my mom and I used to walk there every Saturday. I'd skip down the sidewalk in my pink bathing suit, with my goggles in tow.

Mom would read a Nora Roberts novel while I swam. The pool turned into my kingdom. It was my favorite place in the whole wide world. I played games, jumped off the deep end, and learned water tricks. However, there was one thing that I did in that pool that delighted me more than anything.

I would get on the shallower side of the pool, put my goggles on, take a deep breath, and then go underwater.

I could see the whole pool from my special spot. Everything was magical. Underwater, everything moved in slow motion. Baby blue was everywhere; even the swimming bodies looked blue. Sunshine would beam down on the water, and the pool literally looked like it was glowing.

I guess you could say it was my simple pleasure. I'd do it multiple times, just using a couple seconds to breathe. Sometimes I still go to the pool and do the same thing I did when I was five.

To answer the question, I think of my childhood when I see blue. I think of that perfect moment when I'm sure nothing will go wrong. I'm queen of the world - or at least, queen of the pool. I feel awakened, rejuvenated, amazed, and so many other things. I realize simple moments shouldn't be taken for granted. When I see blue, I feel like a kid again.




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This is really a nicely written piece. You started off with a good hook and kept your writing to the point and fluent. You also used dialogue cleverly--I liked how you started off with a question in the beginning, and added in all the voices of the classmates to create a background for the story. Good job.




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Hey, JaneThermopolis!

This is a really solid piece. I felt like the English class intro was a little too cutesy, but you worked around that effectively. Call me a first-semester senior, but the actual pool story sounded a hell of a lot like a college app essay. Awesome!

The only real problem that I had with this piece was the tone. Your narrator's voice is melancholy--her thoughts are more lamentations than muses. You set this up at the beginning, when all of the other kids spew stuff about Kool-Aid, and she's trying to push their voices aside.

All these other people's opinions keep me from thinking of my own. My thoughts are already drowning in a sea of conversation.


She sounds distracted--it sounds like maybe she's trying to remember something intense or traumatizing. 'Drowning' usually implies something overwhelming.

I could be completely unoriginal and talk about water and the sky like my other classmates. I could also think of something that sounds more philosophical, but would it have any emotional connection? Probably not.


It's these few lines that really solidify the "uh-oh, she's going to drop the bomb" feeling. I was steeling myself for something along the lines of, "She strangled her own father and he was blue! She was raped by a blue man!" etc etc etc. No dice! She's swimming in a pool.

...it's kind of a let down. Not to say that it's bad. Just that the way that you dramatize the actual beginning of the essay, we're expecting something a lot darker, grittier. In order to fix this disconnect, and to end the story on as strong of a note as you began it, you need to tweak the tone a bit. Instead of the other kids thinking stupid things, and she's pondering life, maybe she thinks her own memory is stupid and infantile--even though she's trying to impress the teacher, or she's a star student, or something along those lines. Maybe she smiles and looks up when she thinks about it, rather than angsting over the actual content of the essay like she does currently. If you make the "feeling" of the piece consistent, it will be a lot more coherent, cohesive experience for your readers.

Thanks for the read! Let me know if you have any questions or want me to review anything else.




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Hey, Jet here. I'll give you a quick review, because I agree almost entirely with Rosalie on a lot of points. The story is a tad too cutesy when compared with the kind of language you use; just let it be a cutesy story, and build us up for one. Don't try to make your piece into something it's not. I have to say, I too was anticipating the disaster you'd manage to create from the word "blue". The whole swimming bit took me totally by surprise. I think you should reference childhood and that theme earlier in the piece, so that we don't feel like it's come - oh dear, here comes a pun - totally out of the blue.

I'm also in two minds about the structure of the piece. A part of me thinks it's an interesting way of addressing the topic, but on the other hand, I think it's too simplistic. If anything, the fact that the second half is so reminiscent of an essay a student might realistically write is a pitfall for me, because I don't believe in your character as an individual. She's just a template for all girls her age, which makes her easy to relate to, but doesn't make your story stand out. I'm not necessarily advising you to change the plotline at all, but messing around with how you structure it - perhaps considering splicing the description into the main passage instead of out-and-out separation - and incorporating some elegant language or just unique phrases could help lift the piece.

Other than that, I think my points have all been covered. To summarise, consider going over the piece and thinking about your message and how you can say it in a way that's unique to you. I find your MC a bit too anonymous at this point and quite difficult to appreciate her reminiscence when I feel as if I barely know her. However, it's a nice little piece as it is and quite concise, in that you use your words carefully and the flow is rarely stilted, so it's probably only tweaking and re-addressing key points that I'm suggesting. Good luck.

- Jet.




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I have to agree with Jet/ Rosalie. The English thing, I don't wish to be harsh by the way, is so overused and "cutesy". Since I know what you are capable of writing, I found this piece a letdown. I loved the "written" part about blue and her childhood, but besides that, I wasn't too crazy about this short story. It could have been way better, I thought. It has potential, if you can tweak it to be less Typical-English-Class-ish.


JaneThermopolis wrote:
All these other people's opinions keep me from thinking of my own. My thoughts are already drowning in a sea of conversation.


I agree with Rosalie. Sounds quite...sidetracked and gloomy as she said.


JaneThermopolis wrote:Blue may remind some people of the ocean. It may remind some people of the sky. A blue Popsicle is wonderful on a hot day, while a blue blanket may keep someone warm on a winter day. Thousands of things are blue; from cups to houses, but one memory sticks out to me the most when I see the color blue.

When I was five, I remember loving almost everything. Life was simple and easy.

There's a community pool about five blocks from my house, and my mom and I used to walk there every Saturday. I'd skip down the sidewalk in my pink bathing suit, with my goggles in tow.

Mom would read a Nora Roberts novel while I swam. The pool turned into my kingdom. It was my favorite place in the whole wide world. I played games, jumped off the deep end, and learned water tricks. However, there was one thing that I did in that pool that delighted me more than anything.

I would get on the shallower side of the pool, put my goggles on, take a deep breath, and then go underwater.

I could see the whole pool from my special spot. Everything was magical. Underwater, everything moved in slow motion. Baby blue was everywhere; even the swimming bodies looked blue. Sunshine would beam down on the water, and the pool literally looked like it was glowing.

I guess you could say it was my simple pleasure. I'd do it multiple times, just using a couple seconds to breathe. Sometimes I still go to the pool and do the same thing I did when I was five.

To answer the question, I think of my childhood when I see blue. I think of that perfect moment when I'm sure nothing will go wrong. I'm queen of the world - or at least, queen of the pool. I feel awakened, rejuvenated, amazed, and so many other things. I realize simple moments shouldn't be taken for granted. When I see blue, I feel like a kid again.


Nice "journal entry". I like it, but it totally takes away from the rest of the story. You need to have a balance of intriguing parts.

Sorry if I sounded harsh, but as I said, I know what you are capable of. This wasn't one of your best works. I don't wish to sound rude, though!

Lavvi
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What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl




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Its a nice piece of work. Not my type of writing (meaning I could never come up with something like that) but I like it very, very much. Good job :D
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