Words are death

I've always been limited,
by words I cannot say.
I've always been afraid for you,
to think of me a certain way.

I usually just listened,
to what was on your mind.
I never got the chance to say,
the words I couldn't find.

Occasionally I'd try to talk,
but words sound better in my head.
Some times I think of what you should have heard,
the words I should have said.

So I write you all this message,
in fact, take it as a dare.
Tell people what you need to say,
whether or not you think they care.

Hey,

The writing in this piece is really good.

The rhythm flows really well in this piece.

I like this piece a lot. Keep it up.


PM for anything.

~Retro Disco666

Hi screamandshout! I'm here to review; sorry I'm late.

First, let's go into nitpicks!

You wrote:I've always been limited, Seven syllables
by words I cannot say. Six
I've always been afraid for you, Eight
to think of me a certain way. Eight again

I like the first three lines beat-wise. They flow well into each other. The last line is just a bit long, however, and makes me rush along.

I usually just listened No comma necessary
to what was on your mind; Try a semicolon instead of a full stop.
I never got the chance to say No comma
the words I couldn't find. I really like this last line. It's clever.

Occasionally I'd try to talk, "Occasionally" is too much of a mouthful. Try not to get too wordy at parts like this.
but words sound better in my head.
Sometimes I think of what you should have heard,
the words I should have said.

So I write you all this message, "All this message"? That sounds odd.
in fact, take it as a dare. Waaaay to forced! This has no relevance to the poem and only serves to make the last line rhyme.
Tell people what you need to say,
whether or not you think they care. Too long in context with the rest of the stanza and as the last line of your poem.

Idea:

I'm going to be harsh. In all honesty, the idea behind this poem is completely cliched, overstressed, and weepy. Writing about one's sorrows is such a common thing to encounter, and it's hard to make the idea original. I don't feel like you managed to do that, because in order to do so, you have to bring something fresh, different, to the table. You need to make your poem unique and memorable. There has to be something about your poem that sets it apart from the rest if you want to write about your sorrows. And there isn't. :/

My suggestion to fix that:

In order to develop an original, unique poetic voice, you need to first come up with original things to write about. This does not include unrequited love or the oh-so-dreadful sob-story. Think of things that are outside-the-box, quirky, and enjoyable. Take those things and make a poem out of one of them. Don't think about trying to rhyme; rhyming is overrated. Just make a poem that covers a topic you feel is one that rarely/never gets written about poetically. At first, stay away from serious ideas such as death and whatnot. If you don't you'll have a hard time discovering your voice. Just trust me.

As you do this, you'll be looking at poetry from a somewhat objective viewpoint. You'll subconsciously want to relate to the reader before you relate to yourself. You'll think of what other people want to hear before you think of what's going on in your life and how it would make great poetry. This is great! If you find yourself doing this, I would suggest you keep on going!

And from there, once you have found your unique poetic voice/writing style, or rather, let it find you (this will take a great amount of time and effort), you can write about whatever you want, including sob-stories. Because you'll know how to make them work. But let me tell you right now that you probably won't want to write about them by the time you can pull it off.

Anyways, I hope I could help you a little. : ) I think I focused more on you being a better poet rather than this poem being a better one. I hope you don't mind.

-Knightley

I really like the message/dare of this poem!

I've always been limited,
by words I cannot say.
I've always been afraid for you,
to think of me a certain way.

I really like this stanza. It's a great opener and it immediately explains what the poem is about.

Occasionally I'd try to talk,
but words sound better in my head.
Some times I think of what you should have heard,
the words I should have said.

Umm, this stanza is a bit off. The second line doesn't really flow and neither does the rest of it. Maybe tweak it a bit?