Story of the dead

When I look back on that day, I can see why Adam took my to the lake. I can now tell why he was smiling, why he looked like he needed to tell me something. I had hoped for something romantic, maybe him telling me he loved me. Childish thoughts. My name is Olivia Rose Taylor and on the 23rd May i was murdered by my boyfriend.

It was the day before. Adam had been off all week. I was entitled to one week every month, so i left him to it. We had exams, applications to fill, jobs to look for. I though he was stressed. He came to my house. He brought me flowers. I felt so lucky. We watched Pretty In Pink. It was my favourite film. He never usually lets me watch it, we usually argue over that sort of thing. He turned and looked at me. I looked straight into his eyes, into his soul. I thought I saw love. I was wrong. It was loves' cruel counterpart. Jealousy. Had I know he hated Jake. My best friend since we were 5. Had I known that he was convinced that I was cheating on him with Jake. I think I would have told him Jakes' secret. Jake was gay. He asked me if I wanted to go on a trip tomorrow. It was a chance to spend time with my boyfriend, who I loved. Why would I say no?

He picked me up at 9. When I got in the car he kissed me, little did I know that it was going to be my last. He started to drive. He left the street. He left the town. He left the state. He said he knew a romantic little place. I thought I was Juliet and he was my Romeo. I was so far from the truth, so so far. I remember driving down back roads, the green fields, the towering oaks, the chestnut wild horses. How tranquil. That's when he pulled over. It was a clearing that lead into a forest. How did I not notice that something was wrong? How was I so blind?

He led me down the abandoned country path. It was cool, the trees covering us from the high noon sun. My light blue dress blowing in the slight breeze. It could have been a warning, nature trying to keep my back. I ignored it, I ignored everything. I just saw his brown hair, his green t-shirt. His winning smile. I was in heaven, well i was nearly there. I remember smelling water. We were at a creek.

We walked through an opening to see a vast pool of water. A shy trickling waterfall. Beautiful smooth rocks from the waters erosion. He ran down the hill to reach the waters edge. It was beautiful. I was caught in the moment. As i got the waters' edge. Adam grabbed my hand and jumped. He jumped into that water, dragging me with him. I thought he was trying to be cute, getting me wet. We were there, in the water for a while. Just smiling. He swam over to me, placed his arms around my neck, I thought he was going to kiss me. Again, as usual, I was wrong. He pushed me under the water. I tried to push up, tried to get out, but he was to strong. I resorted to my lowest form of violence, I punched him in the groin. He let go, I managed to move, get air. I tried to swim to edge, but he grabbed me. Forced me under. He pushed me and pushed me until I was at the bottom. He place his foot in my back. Keeping me under. I began to cry. You can cry underwater. I remember tasting the salt from my tears, it clashed with the freshness of the water. My body systematical shut down. I remember the feeling of my lungs collapsing. It was horrible. I wanted to scream, but I didn't have the breathe. I had nothing anymore. That's when I left, left my body anyway. I watched him smile when the bubbles stop coming to the service. He just left. He didn't look back.

I didn't follow Adam. I didn't care about him anymore. Instead I sat by the water. Thinking. I thought my mother when she found out.How would my best friend react. I wondered how my little brother would find out. I even thought about how my enemies would react. I saw my body, floating in the water. I just left. Left all together.

Oh, wow this is so sad But really good too! I can't wait to read more!

*coco

This story is really sad, but I still enjoyed it. Some parts were unnecessary and others didn't make sense, though. You really should get rid of this sentence:

I'm going to tell you how he murdered me.

We already know you're going to tell us. This is a story, after all.

I was entitled to one week every month, so i left him to it.

One week of what? Being with him? What'd you leave him to?

We had exams, applications to be filled, Jobs to look for.

It should be applications to fill. Don't capitalize words in the middle of a sentence, also.

Well, I'm not gonna be annoying and rant about grammatical errors, anymore. Your composition was fun to read and suspenseful. I like how you used the idea of her spirit being the narrator. Kudos on that!

I only have a few more nitpicks.I would recommend taking out this line:

My name is Olivia Rose Taylor, and that is how I died.

It is somewhat annoying because we are aware of her name and how she died from reading the story. Repeating yourself deprives the readers of a dramatic conclusion.

Well, B+ job in my opinion, so good job. Keep writing!

retrodisco666 wrote:pretty in pink. (Pretty in Pink should be captiliazed.)

retrodisco666 wrote:Why would I say no. (Question Mark there)

retrodisco666 wrote: How did I not notice that something was wrong. How was I so blind. (Could this be one sentence? It seems choppy)

retrodisco666 wrote:My name is Olivia Rose Taylor, and that is how I died. (You said she was going to say how she dies at the beginning. No need to repeat.)

OVERALL!

It's a strong piece.
I highly enjoyed all the emotion, and the fact that a somewhat romantic story ended with a death.
Nothing wrong, except for what I pointed out up there!
Nice work.
I'd love to read more

~Kit

Thank you for the reviews everyone

WOW! This was really sad! I actually felt tears come to my eyes near the last sentence. But remember your punctuation, most of your questions didn't have question marks on the end. And some parts of it, it felt like a list instead of a story. Maybe go back and re-read it, and make it flow better.
The reason why the boyfriend killed her didn't really make much sense. It seemed to be lacking something. Was there something mentally wrong with him? Because if everyone killed people because of jealousy, hardly anyone would be still alive. I'm not saying i didn't enjoy it, it's good! And i can see where you were coming from, a moment of rage he reacted before he could really think it through. But jealousy seems to be a bit...weak.
Awesome work though!
Born
xx

I know this review is late and probably pointless but it's because I just found this story. I really loved it! I liked the quick short sentence writing style. To me, it made me feel like her spirit was truly depressed and just wanted to get the story out of her. There were very little useless details and I liked that. I don't know if that was intentional or just the way you write, but I liked it!

The only negative thing I have is I wish you didn't tell us she was going to die. In my opinion that only works for long novels and if you use it here in a short story I feel that it took away the climax all together. Anyways I enjoyed it very much.

Hey Retro. Shrubs here as a jury member of Skins' contest-She's the Man! Hey!

Spoiler

It was the day before.

Before what?

I was entitled to one week every month, so i left him to it

Entitled to what?

As i(I) got the waters' edge. Adam grabbed my hand and jumped.

I tried too push up, tried to get out, but he was to strong.

The line where she tells her name. Boring. It's so stereotypical of girls to be telling their names and all. I am not sure if we should take this as a good point or not of telling the climax and the end. But on the other hand it does arouse my interest of knowing what or why the lady's boyfriend did so. It is actually interesting to know in the beginning that something like this is going to happen. The biggest thing is still intact, that is the reason he did so, so it's fine. But telling her name like 'I'm Olivia that and that' haunts me. I never liked frank introductions like these until they are very innovative in their presentation or something more to the sentence which interests me.

So, this was good. I mean the story line. There's a lot of work needed on this and once I have had the review done, I hope it'd help you out to make this better. First of all your grammar was messed up. The commas. Totally haywire. They weren't where they were supposed to. Usually I have seen people making long sentences by joining commas, and making the sentence long, even though the sense would be when they are in parts. But here you went the opposite way. You should have made one sentence of many small ones-otherwise they looked so weird. But you had small sentences, even though some counterparts looked like part of each other. So just take care of that, since it gives a bad impression to the readers. Secondly, there was some confusion between the word 'me' and 'my'. You should have worked out on that, too. If you don't know the difference, just PM me. I'd be glad to help you out.

Other thing that I felt was weird here were your descriptions. They were non-existing. This piece had a lot of potential from description point of view since you were doing a girl's POV. Usually, boys don't take notice of all those things around them in nature. They are not too observant of that, and even if they are usually writers skip these parts or keep it low when writing from boy's POV. But now since it was a girl speaking you could have experimented with lot of things, moreover because it was a romantic date she went for. So speak more. Don't forget it's a girl's POV-make it as beautiful as possible. You sometimes do need to over-do things, but not always. That was one part I didn't feel so good about. Work on that. Secondly, I would have loved to read more of how she had been killed. I didn't get how exactly she was killed. All this while there was telling-no showing-which leads me to another point/ All this while the reader was telling, telling, and telling. So little of showing. We needed to see more. Please do that. Also, I'd complain of its shortness. As soon as it started, there was the end.

Next thing, also the most important thing-while the boyfriend killed her, please could you have added some dialog from his side-how he reacted. Also, how he looked while doing all the killing part. Next thing please do tell us how the girl feels. She has to feel something. This wasn't something non-serious that happened with her. Where were her emotions? I'd have loved to see them, too. How she felt, at least? I liked the end-the part where she looks all around and wonders all her loved ones would react to. What about her best friend? Could we have more of him or how her boyfriend would have suspected anything weird between them? Any thing worth mentioning?

The title-I didn't like it. There was so much you could experimented with. I'd have loved to see all that. Like there are so many titles that could have adjusted well with it. please, try to be more creative when it comes to the titles. Because at first the title drawn in your readers-then comes all those flowery words, writing. And as they say-first impression is the last impression. Overall, it had a huge potential, I just felt it wasn't very good. I am seriously telling you that I loved the story and the concept, but all this while the emotions were missing. After all she had been killed. I wanted to feel what she must have felt.

From Contest POV:
Bring us more of the girly side. I couldn't picture her very much a girl. I'd have loved to see more emotions, since ladies are full of emotions. I liked the mentioning of the colour of her dress. That was quite interesting to read. But we could have done more about her. How she loved this man. All this would have given an entire different dimension to the story and I am sorry if I were harsh, but you need to re-write this either or make it more better.'

PM me for any questions. And thanks for participating.

~Shrubbery!