Monster In The Dripping Trees

Eyes watch from the dripping trees,
Following the sight of me.
Turn around to try and view
Yet there’s nothing in the greenish hue.
My footsteps are silently shaking,
My breath’s abnormally quaking
With tightness clenching in my breast,
I pray it only foolish jest.
A small rustling is to heard,
Yet I cannot be deterred
From a destination up ahead,
Something not filled with dread.
The thought is a warm caress,
But I cannot distill this strangeness.
When the moon disappears behind a cloud,
Casting pale darkness in a shroud,
The overhanging branches reach
Out to me, something sounds; a high-pitched screech
I pray it is far away.

A sharp, penetrating smell of decay
Dares to breach cool bliss,
A trace of the downward abyss.
My feet start from the beaten path,
Running from some hellions wrath
Ripping through sharpened thorns,
A horrid figure with piercing horns
Charges through the underbrush
Leaving abundant fragility crushed.
While my body deafeningly quakes
My breath silently shakes
From the tree being used to hide
My denial for the fear rising inside

Hanging branches can only cover
So much, leaving me to be discovered
By that terrible figure from beyond
Imagination, some demon spawned
From the deep pits below,
Born by the sounds of the crow
That echo off the forgotten field
Of a dead warriors fate sealed.
A field where I once stood
A promise made that never should
Have been let to see the dawn.
Now the creature has drawn
Me to keep my word.
My pleading cannot be heard.
With this thought each shaking
Breath follows with each quaking
Step to try and escape the creature
And avoid its worst feature,
Shark teeth and lion claws to rip and saw.
A punishment for man’s eternal flaw.

Clenching terror from my heart speaks
That the devil’s spawn still seeks
To complete the ghastly deal
Its reason for the wish to steal
A most valuable thing from me.
My body starts to become a sea
And with it each step’s shaking,
Worsens as my breath’s quaking
Dares to create the slightest sound.
So the creature, with hound
Ears and bat eyes finds my hidden
Place among the brush as if forbidden
It comes nowhere near my secret spot
For just a tiny dot
Of cool moonbeam dares to shine and part
The cool coverage green, so I take heart
In the protection of silvery light.
Yet it appears the moonlight,
Is soon disappearing behind
The towering tree’s lined
And ancient leaves;
Numerous and interweaved.

A gravelly voice sounds
From the wood and surrounds
Me in its chilling tone,
It spoke of flesh and blood and bone
Ripping and drinking and eating away
At me, the only way to pay
It back for saving my love
A love I was unworthy of
For I let it slip away from me
If things had been different maybe
I wouldn’t be in this trouble
I wouldn’t have been on the rubble
Making promises to the murk
It took me for a berk
And I have proven It true
It seems my last sight
Will be of hellions in dim light
And with steps shaking
And faint breath quacking
I step from the safeguard
Of the trees, looking hard
At my inescapable end
Though I pray for a godsend
There is no hope for the lost
For I’ve always known the cost
Of trying to run from fate.
I walk tall, proud and straight
At the thing from hell,
While wishing the world farewell.

Hey,

I shall be your reviewer:D

First things first. The rhyme. The rhyme in this piece makes it really hard to read and takes away from the actual feeling in the poem and it makes the piece boring when you read it. If I'm being honest.

I liked the context of the piece and I can see what your trying to do.

I think you should try and re-write this without rhyme and see how it goes. Without rhyme I could see this piece going far.

PM if you need anything.

~Retro Disco666

Hey there! I'm here to review. Obviously.

I agree with Retrodisco about the rhyming, sort of. I don't think it makes it boring but I do think it distracts. You have some great language in this poem, but I am so focused on following the rhyme scheme that it's all I can think about. I'm not even sure what you wrote about because it was so distracting. I also think the rhyme scheme is forcing you write such a long poem just so you can truly get across what you're saying.

My first suggestion, then, would be to ditch the rhyming. Rhyming is such a hard thing to do right that I think most poets should never do it until they're confident in their other poetic skills. I even try to stay away from rhyming. It's fun to do, yes, but so very hard to do well. Rhyming tends to force people into holes. They are forced to say one thing, when they really mean another, but you know you have to go with the rhyme scheme...

I also think you should try to focus more on what you're trying to write. What emotion do you want the reader to feel? How do you want them to react? Focus your ideas and your self when rewriting this. It's so long, and though long poems can be done well, often times people neglect to pay attention to what exactly they're writing due to the desired length. Every line, every word you use in a poem must have purpose and importance. With something of this length, it just seems drawn out. Also consider that, since you're trying to tell a story, what will make this piece more of a poem than a story that's just in verse? You want this to be poetic - use everything you can to do that.

Best of luck! If you have any questions feel free to PM me.