Soulsword, Chapter 1 Part 1

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exerpt from chapter 1, written in a rush! This is the first time i've written in a long time and i'm a little apprehensive about the results. let me know what you think :)

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When the Speaker came to Ilith City, the crowds gathered like pigs to a trough. The streets were thick with people. From the pale spectres of the Northern Shores, to honey skinned sailors of the Sister Isles, half of Quilantien rallied to the man in red. He stood high on the white Netherin Steps, his bright robe whipping in the wind. He had been there for days, each morning ascending higher, each day drawing a larger audience. If he ever slept, no one had caught him in the act. Men tried to reach him, to pull on his robe and be blessed, while women wailed to him to save them. But he was untouchable. To either side of the Speaker stood a member of his personal guard, and a line of them pushed back against the crowd where the Steps began their ascent. They stood motionless and cold, like cases of gleaming black armour rather than men. Closed visors hid their faces, and sharp unsheathed blades discouraged curiosity.

It was another overcast day when the man in red spoke again.

“Friends!” his voice carried with ease despite the blustery weather, “brothers! I come to bring you news! I come with the word of hope!”

The crowd that never slept threw up a roar and fists punched the air. Women leaned out of top floor windows and waved handkerchiefs, their cheeks rosy apples.

“The Second Coming is nigh, and the Sister will descend upon the earth and purify us all! She offers wealth of harvest in this world, and a seat at her table in the next.” He paused, opening his arms wide to the crowd. He was a drop of blood on the white marble steps. “The Ten Spirits wonder the earth once more! Redemption is upon us!”

The crowd devoured his speeches with a desperate hunger, jostling and pushing for the best view. Darian ploughed through them as best he could, elbows and shoulders catching his ribs and chest as he made his way. Despite the wind, the crowd was hot, and sweat ran down Darian’s forehead and into his eyebrows. He stopped for a moment, caught between a large Silver Islander and a trader on horseback who had taken the opportunity to advertise his wares. Darian tried to look around him, but the crowd grew closer as another deafening bellow sounded from the restless mob.

Netherin Square was huge, with the Steps rising high above the city like a beacon. It was the cities’ heart, and the many small streets that ran out from the Square were its veins and archeries, providing the life blood of trade and commerce to all edges of the city. On a usual morning, the Square was a wash of market stalls. Darian shook his head. He has bewitched them, and now they will not even eat.

Darian slipped pass the trader, ignoring the man’s calls of distress as someone tried to unhorse him. The beast, tired and old, skittered stupidly from side to side as he desperately held onto its mane. Darian picked up his pace, a sudden sense of urgency falling upon him. He could hear the Speaker preaching to the mob, and the foul stench of so many bodies filled his nose and throat like dirt. He thrust his way between people, heading towards the edge of the Square. Raggedly dressed children skittered around his feet. Pick-pockets, he had no doubt. Darian paused a moment to grab one by the collar, a small boy. The child turned deftly to face his captor, knocking Darian’s hand away with a small dirty fist. Darian crouched and grabbed either shoulder. Before the boy could wail, Darian said, “Do you like gold, boy?”

The little boy pouted, thinking twice about sreaming, and glanced behind him to see where his companions had gone. Their feet could be seen through the legs of the crowd, waiting for him just out of sight. The boy turned back to Darian.

“Gold is good” said the little boy, lisping through missing front teeth. Darian grinned at him, and the boy warily smiled back. Darian glanced around. No one was paying any attention to him or the boy. Every face was transfixed by the Speaker. His voice rolled over the crowd effortlessly, declaring visions of the Ten Spirits, that they had come to him to make him their prophet.

Darian pulled a coin from a concealed pouch and touched it to the boys nose. His little eyes lit up, small gold circles reflected in his pupils. “Run along to the Leaf, and tell the lady you find there that the Stag is ready. Can you remember that?”

The boy nodded, eyes still locked on the coin.

“Good lad” Darian flicked the coin into the air, and the boy caught it deftly. He slipped in into his belt with a practiced hand. Darian smiled and tapped the boy’s cheek before he ran off through the crowd, his small head ducking beneath arms and through legs. Darian watched after him for a moment, slowly standing. His hand reached into a pocket of his jacket, and pulled out a few dried leaves. He popped them into his mouth and chewed. The sweet taste calmed him as he began to push through the crowd once more.
I will live forever, even if I die trying.




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I'm here to review your story.

From the pale spectres of the Northern Shores, to honey skinned sailors of the Sister Isles, half of Quilantien rallied to the man in red.
Honey skinned needs to have a hyphen between the two words.

If he ever slept, no one had caught him in the act.
I don't think this information is really necessary.

Darian ploughed through them as best he could, elbows and shoulders catching his ribs and chest as he made his way.
Maybe it was just me, but this was a confusing phrase. :wink:

Darian slipped pass the trader, ignoring the man’s calls of distress as someone tried to unhorse him. The beast, tired and old, skittered stupidly from side to side as he desperately held onto its mane.
He's riding a horse, right? But at first I thought he was walking. You may want to mention this earlier.

The child turned deftly to face his captor, knocking Darian’s hand away with a small dirty fist.
There should be a comma between small and dirty.

The little boy pouted, thinking twice about sreaming, and glanced behind him to see where his companions had gone.
No comma is needed.

“Good lad” Darian flicked the coin into the air, and the boy caught it deftly.
You used that word .Maybe try niftily or nimbly or even cleverly could work.

Overall:This was a very nice story. Your descriptions are superb, and the plot sounds very unique and interesting ,and the characters seem interesting. I can't wait to read more ,and please send me a P.M. when you post chapter two. :D
"A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language." - W.H. Auden




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Okay, wow, this is different.

Hi there, rude of me not to introduce myself; I'm Tanya :D

I didn't find anything to mention that bluewaterlily hadn't already but I'll tell you that this chapter has intrigued me. It didn't even dawn on me that the people were bewitched until Darian pointed it out.

I'd love to read more of this; pm me for the next chapter?

Tanya :D




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Hey, back again! Hopefully this review won't drag on too long, but I do tend to get caught up in the flow of it.

the Speaker

Is this the only time you capitalise speaker? Watch out for capitalisation.

If he ever slept, no one had caught him in the act.

This was already picked up as being out of place. I think it might be because it's the kind of thing that would be better overheard as a rumour, perhaps by Darian, than something outright stated by the narrator. Could be a good opportunity to get away from telling your audience rather than showing them.

But he was untouchable.

I think this sentence needs to get broken down or expanded, it doesn't sit well on it's own. It might be better to show, or hear recounted, a case where he has proven to be untouchable, rather than having it as an informed trait. On the other hand that might take the focus away from where you want it.

To either side of the Speaker stood a member of his personal guard, and a line of them pushed back against the crowd where the Steps began their ascent.

Aha! You did use "Speaker" again. Still, later on it seems to fade from use, so it would be a good thing to be consistant on. Given the colour-coding of this character, there might be a better reference for him than 'the Speaker"
I think it might be better to make the personal guard the focus (er...subject?) of this sentence rather than the speaker, to help the reader out a little. Stylistically it could be rendered as:
"Members of the Speaker's personal guard either flanked him or formed a line at the base of the Steps, keeping the crowd in check."
Mild setting question: Where are the town guards for this? What do the local authorities think?

elbows and shoulders catching his ribs and chest as he made his way

This was also picked up by bluewaterlily, and I think it was because of the word "catching", which I've also used in the past. or the sake of an easier read, you could consider shifting toward something like "striking" or alternatively "jostling".


the crowd was hot

I like this idea, but I think it could be presented more strongly. You could get the message across with language that is a bit more visceral, describing the stench of relatively unwashed bodies (medieval fantasy setting = less bathing) and the heat being due to body temperature and cramped conditions. EDIT: You reference stench later so it might be irrelevant to do so here.

Steps rising high above the city like a beacon

I realise that it might be too much of an information dump to put into this section, but I am itching to find out what the Steps actually lead to :P.


veins and archeries

"arteries"

cities’ heart

Good use of ongoing imagery. Would be cool to work the red speaker into this later, though as a "clot" might be too heavy handed :P. But yeah, it should be city's as it's just the one city, yes?

life blood

Hmm, should this be hyphenated or even just one word? Not rhetorical, I have no idea.


Darian shook his head. He has bewitched them, and now they will not even eat.

Good use of italics! Maybe it's a knee-jerk reaction but I feel like there's an opportunity for "in X" with X being an emotion like "dismay" "anger" disgust" "wonder" or whaterver, taking place after Darian shaking his head.

ignoring the man’s calls of distress as someone tried to unhorse him. The beast, tired and old, skittered stupidly from side to side as he desperately held onto its mane

One of these "he's" should be replaced with "the merchant" or somesuch, else the reader might think it's referring to Darian.

Darian crouched and grabbed either shoulder

"the boy" before "either shoulder"

about sreaming

screaming

Every face was transfixed by the Speaker.

Hmm. I feel that "by" might be replaced by "on", or replace "face" with something else referring to the crowd. Up to you.

a few dried leaves

I feel like I should be reading a made up (or not made up) word to describe these words. I really can't tell you if this is just because fantasy authors love made up words or if it's just because of my own recent proclivity for worldbuilding. Either way, there's an option to splice in some culture here through herbology.


This was fun to review and I look forward to seeing how this story unfolds!
So you're going to kill a god. Sure. But what happens next?

Diary of a Deicide, Part One.


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hey! thanks for the reviews, sorry about the annoying typo's! I really appreciate it :D This is going through a complete re-write at the moment. I've realised that Darian initiating the narrative doesn't actually quite work in the grand scheme of things so I'm switching it about to suit another character.

Anyway, thank for you the advice, it's very much appreciated XD
I will live forever, even if I die trying.




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You wrote this in a rush? Wow- this writing is top notch, lovely descriptions and the main character is introduced well.
One thing I think that should be made a little more clear is the Speaker's motives. At first I think he is a villain- he cannot be touched by the crowds (he thinks they're dirty, or not as good as him almost?) and is flanked by pretty scary sounding guards! But on the other hand, he delivers a promise of hope and deliverance. Maybe you should make it clear whether he is lying to the crowd, or if he is genuinely giving a true message of hope, maybe ease off the scary guards or something?
Very interesting towards the end when he states that the Ten Spirits have made him a Prophet- this a) makes my view of him creep even more into the area of "main villain- oh my god if you do not get rid of this guy right now, really really bad things will happen" but also b) makes me think that he should have a more nobler name than "The Speaker"- this kind of makes him sound a little like a simple messenger.
Overall, really well written, leaves me wanting a hell of a lot more! Fantastic job. :)

~Lightning
“It is the tale, not he who tells it.”
― Stephen King

“If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.”
― Stephen King

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