Killer Mask [0.14]

I force myself to shuffle into Miss Keats room. The blinds on the window are drawn, and her chair is spun backwards. I see the top of her head as I sit down.

I inhale, and the chair whips around to face me.

“Miss Jameson… do you have anything to say?” She asks.

“Um… should I say something?” I reply in confusion.

“Actually, no. I’ll do the talking. Explain yourself, please.”

“Well… it was mostly Mona… she started to kiss me and I guess I just was curious. Then I kissed her back.” I stammer.

“I think we should have more sessions to give you more opportunities to heal.”

“Okay… fine.” I respond bitterly.

“Thank you for your cooperation.” Miss Keats murmurs, waving me towards the door.

I slam the door shut and listen to the reverberating walls. Rolling my eyes, I stomp back to my room.

Mona is leaning against my door. She smiles brightly. I glare at her and bare my teeth.

“Please. Leave.” I say through my teeth. Anger and passion boil under my skin.

“But… Isabelle…” She reaches for me. I shake her away.

“I care about you, Mona… but we can’t do this now. Maybe once things calm down. We were caught.”

“What did they do to you?” She questions, her eyes wide.

“They want me to suffer through more therapy sessions. Until I heal.” I mimic Miss Keats quiet voice.

“Oh… I’m sorry…” Mona brushes against me as she leaves. Electricity races through my veins, yearning for her touch.

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I sit on the ugly orange chair and set my tray on the table. Lunch time rears its ugly head again.

I take the plastic cover off my salad and stab some lettuce with my fork. I shove it into my mouth before noticing that the rest of the lettuce is browning around the edges.

“Damn…” I spit the mushy piece of lettuce back into the tray before covering.

Sighing, I turn to my blueberry muffin. I tear it into miniscule pieces and chewchewchew.

Seconds after the muffin disappears, I sprint past the hawk-eyed nurses, into the bathroom.

I lean over the toilet and stick my finger down my throat, as far as it will go. I choke and sputter until the muffin comes up.

Throat burning, I reach over to flush the toilet and spots dance across my eyes. My head spins and I black out.

I think I've reviewed another one of your editions...I am not quite sure. But I will do this one for you! I'm Cirque, if you haven't noticed and well I just want you to forgive my large vocabulary through the review. Mum wants me to use large words when I am writing. I just don't want to sound to far up my own...erhm, anyway I hope you like it.

“But… Isabelle…” she reaches for me.

“Miss Jameson… do you have anything to say?” she asks.

“What did they do to you?” she questions, her eyes wide.

I've had to repeat this so many times, so I have really been just copying and pasting this one paragraph. So the speech grammar of this is wrong. You see, don't worry I also just figured this out, when ever you have an ending to a sentence (past the end quotation mark) the words to come are not a beginning but a continuation. As pointed out in red, the first letter after the speech must be in lower case no matter the quotation mark. Though, this is an exception to those words that must have a capital letter eg. names.

“Well… it was mostly Mona… she started to kiss me and I guess I just was curious. Then I kissed her back.” I stammered.

Your tense work is a little shifty. I find through this that you are jumping through different tenses, it is why I have placed on the extra letters to try and keep the main tense you are using a priority. Not that I find the other one lacking, though I have always thought that speaking in a past tense more easier to work with then present time.

Another thing that I have noticed is your tendency to use short, choppy sentences. Though they are a good practice to execute a feat of adventure (Oooh me likey adventure) but you aren't using it for that purpose. Mostly all your sentences are short and it doesn't really give the reader the full information they new to perpetuate with the story.

Hey there, I'm here to review!

Well, I haven't read anything before this, so please just take whatever I say with a grain of salt, since I haven't known anything about your characters or storyline until now.

Something I noticed is that your dialogue punctuation could use a little brush up. Here's a great link about those trippy little commas and capitalization that I'd suggest reading; I use it all the time.

Something that Cirque mentioned was your writing style--it's very choppy. That's good when you're wanting to build up suspense during a crucial part of a story. But to have it continually stop abruptly isn't good for the flow. You want the reader to feel comfortable reading it, not always stopping and going.

Also, there isn't much room for detail when you're so quick with the sentences. True, too much detail is a surefire way to lose readers' attentions. But too few details can also lose readers--with nothing to picture, they're merely just floating in space with these characters, and it's not too enjoyable.

As for the story itself, there was only one thing I saw:

Lunch time rears its ugly head again.

Sighing, I turn to my blueberry muffin.

Seriously? They serve muffins at lunch??

And why'd she make herself throw up? What was the point of that? Unless she's bulimic and you already mentioned it in one of the previous chapters...

Okay, that's all I have to say. Please feel free to PM me if you've got any questions!