Cheese, Radios, and Jealousy (contest entry)

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Lina glanced at the glowing phone. Either Ella's texting completely blew up or something was wrong, she thought, and knowing Ella, it was probably the latter. So she answered the phone with a joke, as they always did. It was usually a Chinese takeout place, or they would have someone else in the room make explosion noises, or... things like that.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Cheese."

Lina stared at the phone. "... Cheese?"

"Why is Sasha screaming at Eryk about cheese." It wasn't a question, it was a demand. Lina thought briefly.

"Well, Eryk did say he'd bring some to the party, and he didn't, and you know how Sasha gets."

"Ah. Well, I suggest you come over here before Sasha breaks her vocal cords."

"Why don't you?"

"Because she swore that if I took one step towards her she'd scream knife."

"That witch!"

"I know, now get over here!"

Two minutes later, Lina was halfway up the stairs to Ella's second floor, a wooden box beneath her arm.

"Sasha!" she yelled into the doorway. Aforementioned girl whipped around, screaming bloody murder. Lina held out the wooden box. "Sashy! Look what I have!"

Sasha straightened, eyebrows raised. "I'm not a dog, Lina."

Lina cleared her throat. "Um, right. I brought you something, though,"

"Mm? What?"

"My great-grandaddy's radio." Lina said with a proud grin. Sasha let go of Eryk's shirt (he whimpered and crawled under Ella's bed) and walked slowly forward, holding out her hands.

"May I...?"

"Of course."

Lina handed Sasha the radio. Sasha, in turn, plopped down right where she was, twisting the knobs and mumbling to herself. Ella mock-bowed to Lina.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Eh, no problemo."

And, of course, Tory chose that exact moment to walk in, Nia hanging off his arm and giggling. Lina set her jaw. Ella could tell she either was going to break every bone in both Tory and Nia's body, stab them to death, or burst out crying. Perhaps all.

"You know what, Lina, I tried something on my board, and I want you to try it out," Ella said, pulling Lina by the elbow out of the door. Tory poked his head out.

"Can I come?"

Both girls screamed, "No!" simultaneously, Eryk still under the bed, Sasha still murmuring and playing with the radio. As soon as they reached the backyard, Ella held out her arms. Lina fell into them, crying and sobbing like nothing on this Earth held any joy.

"Jerk... she's not right for him... that jerk..."

"Breathe, Li, breathe. In, out, in, out, there we go, sweet pea." Ella murmured, glancing over her shoulder to make sure Tory was still securely halfway down the stairs, subdued by the ever present Nia. She shot them both a dirty look that would have made them both turn sheet white, had they been looking.

After a bit, Lina's sobbing quieted, reduced to hiccups. She sat back, legs splayed like she was just a little girl. She plucked flowers from the field and braided them together, pushing her headband up once in a while when it began to slip. Ella did the same, swiftly launching into a conversation about their next game when they came back from winter break.

Lina's mood was eased by talk of formations, hit force, velocity, goals, and maximum and minimum speeds. She started talking after a while, correcting some plans here and there and adding a note on aerodynamics now and then. As the conversation progressed, the clouds darkened. Lina pointed this out with a small hiccup.

"We should probably go back in," Ella said, helping Lina to her feet. Lina's lip quivered.

"And if Tory's still there, I'll kick his sorry little self halfway across Teralyn, Nia included." she quickly added. Lina smiled and linked her arm through Ella's.

When they reached Ella's room, Lina had long since given up on fixing her headband and thrown it to the ground. Sasha was triumphantly twisting the volume button on the radio, and Eryk had finally crept out from under the bed and was helping Sasha, explaining that troublemakers would often tweak these things to scare a Mundane; an awful headache for the Executives.

"Got it! Guys, check this out!" Sasha exclaimed, almost giddily. She twisted the knob opposite volume an eighth to the right.

A smooth voice said, "Welcome to 624.42, the headquarters for all things sweeper rock." Ella laughed out loud in surprise, Lina squealed slightly, and Eryk clapped Sasha on the back, promptly apologizing directly afterward, offering a fist bump instead, which she accepted with a small smile and tinge of pink on her cheeks.

Eryk's face lit up with realization. "What?" Lina, Ella, and Sasha asked simultaneously.

"One second," Eryk mumbled, and ran out of the room. A few minutes later, he came back, a metal tub filled with ice and various cheeses on his shoulder. Ella quickly took the burden (is it odd to say that she carried it with less effort than he did? Oh well.) and set it down at the foot of her bed.

Sasha beamed. "Where was it, Cheese Boy?"

Eryk, with his hands on his knees, held up one finger and panted for a few more moments before saying, "In Lina's basement."

Lina put her hands on her hips. "You broke into my house?"

"Only for the cheese!"

They all paused, then cracked up.

"Nowhere else in this world could you hear that than here." Ella gasped. Lina choked out a high pitched "mm-hm" and fell to the floor. Chris walked in with a bemused expression plastered on.

"I see someone did something that triggered a need to.. uh... either double over in pain or in hysterics." he said slowly. Eryk held up two fingers, signaling his agreement with the latter statement.

Sasha managed to pull herself together for a minute and stumble to the cheese tub. She picked up a ball of cheddar and held it out.

"Care for some basement cheese?" she said, obviously struggling not to crack up again. Chris took it and walked away, still clearly puzzled.

"Nothing like your dad's best friend to double the hilarity of a situation," Ella sighed before bursting out laughing again.
Last edited by NinjaCookieMonster on Fri Jul 02, 2010 5:30 am, edited 2 times in total.
hey, Jude, don't make it bad
take a sad song and make it better
remember to let it into your heart
then you can start
to make it better.

~make books, not war~

"Not vampires, fish from space."




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Hello ninjacookiemonster!
Well, this was interesting. lol, to tell you the honest truth, I couldn't follow this story at all. There were too many characters that weren't described at all, and someone was crying, but I don't understand why. And I thought Eryk was a dog when he hid under the bed, it was only until he started talking that I realized he wasn't a dog. Maybe its because I don't know what contest you were entering in or what the contest was about, but this seemed to be all over the place. Try to focus on one thing at a time and introduce your characters, give them some background and a personality! I like dialogue as much as the next guy but you gotta have some descriptions once in awhile!

I'm sure if you edit this it would be a funny story!
-SodapopLunchbox
I hope you like the stars I stole for you,
One hundred million twinkle lights in neon blue.
I'll be the brightest,
You'll see!




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Hello there :)

I am with sodapoplunchbox on this one. It was very hard to follow the story at times. I have one suggestion to solve this problem; reduce your dialogue a bit at the beginning. If there is one thing I learned in school is that too much dialogue sometimes throws the whole story off because the author forgets to tune the reader in on what's happening, especially if it's a short story like this one. Or you could keep it as is and just add some elaborations towards the events.
Your writing though is good, your grammar was great, it's just the storytelling part with the problem.

Keep writing though, I hope this contest entry wins or won :D
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That's how we should measure our lives. Not in distance traveled, or time passed, or worlds conquered, but in moments... and the rush of joy—of grace—that exists within them.
— Megatron (Lost Light, by Roberts, Lawrence, Lafuente)