Journal of Devin W. Anderson

ENTRY 1: CATASTROPHY____________________________________________________________________

Hi there. If you’re reading this book, that must mean I’m gone. Or homicidal bounty hunters are chasing me and I accidentally dropped this journal. There’s also the possibility that I dropped this journal into Dad’s time portal and sent it to whatever year you’re in. My name is Devin W. Anderson. The Earth I know might be or might not be different from yours. My Earth is a catastrophic mess. Tidal waves sweep all day and night. Tornadoes are an everyday event. Hurricanes are common happenings. I could mention more but that would be very depressing. And also it's like exposure.
And to imagine that this all started just a mere 2 months ago because a kid I’d rather not mention had tampered with some things in my dad’s laboratory. And, for the record, it wasn't me. Ugh, my temper's at it again. Here, let me start from the very beginning.
Dana M. Shultz, my best friend, and I were walking through town when we noticed my dad's laboratory light turned on. We snuck into the lab and saw a man that looked about dad's age tampering with the weather tracker. The dude was flippin' switches, turnin' knobs, and pressing buttons. After a few seconds, he threw the tracker out. We saw a blue beam emitting from it. The beam stopped getting bigger after it hit the troposphere.
After that, we ran out of the lab before the man could find us. The first thing we noticed was the volcano a few miles away from the city erupting. But, we were surprised because it was an extinct volcano. And this was just the beginning. JUST. THE. BEGINNING.

ENTRY 2: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE DANA___________________________________________________

Sorry for slacking off with the entries. But, I was just able to retrieve my journal a few minutes ago. Now to explain my situation. I'm in a barred cage about 6 feet tall and 7 feet wide. There's a hole in the center of the roof so they can give me food, which was exceptionally delicious, considering my current position in the human pyramid. Which is in the very bottom. I was contemplating possible escape scenarios when I heard footsteps. "Well, well, well, if it ain't good ol' Devin W. Anderson," the man Dana and I saw earlier said, smirking. That was when I noticed his face. It was the face of an old enemy of mine from school, Byron T. Winchester.

Hi there. I'm new here and this is my first post. I hope you like it.

Hello there!
Welcome to YWS! I hope you learn to love it as much as I do
I'm Lilicia *shakes hand*

Okay, so on to the review! First off, this is quite short, so I can't really do a proper review on it. I'll try my best.
So this is an interesting piece you've got there. It's very intruiging and I like how you gave the MC a personality. Good job.

Just a few nitpicks:

There’s also the possibility that I dropped this journal into dad’s time portal and sent it to whatever year you’re in.

Capitalize the 'd' on dad. I noticed the same error quite a few times, so just fix that. No biggie

We snuck into the lab and saw a man about dad's age tampering with dad's weather tracker.

You used 'dad's' twice here, and it makes the sentence quite awkward to read. Maybe something like: 'We snuck into the lab and saw a man in his forty somethings tampering with dad's weather tracker'

After that, we ran out of the lab before the man can find us.

*could

That's all for the nitpicks, as this piece is pretty flawless in terms of grammar and punctuation.

Overall:

As I said before, a very interesting piece you've got here. I love the idea. Just one critique: there's not much detail. I know this is only short, but I think you could still fit some descriptions in there. For instance, when you talk about the MC's dad's lab - what does it have in it? Is it big? Small? Also, I don't know much about the MC. How old is he? And Dana could do with a bit of description too. I'm not telling you to go overboard with descriptions, just add a few details here and there so that the reader has more of an idea of what's going on.
That said, this piece is only short and you did manage to entwine the MC's personality into it, so thumbs up for that.

So, good job! If you have any questions, PM me.

Hope I helped, and keep writing!

~Lilicia

Thanks for pointin' out my mistakes, Lilicia!

But, Lilicia, this is a journal, not a book. And a 12 year old wrote it.