Death By Chess June 25, 2091

How I Killed Arnold...

I opened my eyes, my back stiff from the cot's springs. I groan, and look in the mirror. I didn't even loook like myself. The hornet's nest I had one called my hair hung around my pale face, as if in mockery of my current position. I found a piece of string on the floor, and managed to pull my hair into what resembled a ponytail.

I climbed down the ladder, and went into what seemed to be the warehouse living room.

"Look, the queen's up," Antonio mocked me. Shut up you ass, I thought, but didn't speak my mind. Doing so would probably get me shot. My hand went to my throat at the thought.

"Thirsty?" Mark asked, looking genuinely concerned.

"No, just worried, I mean...nevermind...I don't know.....I'm okay." I said, trying to sound like I had some idea what I was talking about. I still surprised a shutter at the thought of the gun against my head.

"Good morning, sunshine," Jack said, almost mirroring Antonio's mocking tone. I knew he was getting a good laugh out of watching everyone take hits on me. Seeing who could come up with the wittiest comment seemed to be a new sport.

"We leave in an hour," Jerro said, walking coolly into the room, "somebody, please, show her how to use a gun." He walked up so that his face was inches from mine, "And the hole," he whispered, "points away from you." his voice was sinister, and threatening. Almost daring me to go against what he said.

"I know," I hissed back, even though it was new information. I didn't have the faintest idea how to use a gun, though I wouldn't let anyone know that.

Mark came up to me once the others dispersed, "Don't know how to use a gun?"

"Absolutely," I say, then pause, "not. Will you show me?" I bit my bottom lip, not sure if this was an acceptable question. Was it right for me to not know how to use a gun? I looked around, and then decided this crowd would play with My Little Pony toys before they would let go of their guns. I felt completely hopeless.

"Fine," Mark pulled out his own gun. He put my fingers into position, and then said, "now that's how you shoot." I thought he meant for me to actually shoot, so I did. Suddenly, someone cussed, and I watched Arnold fall to the ground.

"Bloody bitch!" he yelled, and got up, clutching his arm. He started walking towards me, hate filled in every word.

"Oh, shot by a girl!" Jack yelled, laughing as he did. Then, Jack took out a gun and shot Arnold again.

"Shot by two girls," Antonio said, coming in with a laugh, "Next time, Riley, let's not kill other members." He leaned against a wall. I glanced down at Arnold's body, and started to shake.

"Congrats kid," Jack patted my back, "your first murder."

After reading this I felt myself there with the characters, and I tried to run Lol.

Hi, Kaywiia, June here,

I opened my eyes, my back stiff from the cot's springs. I groan, and look in the mirror. I didn't even loook like myself.

Maintain an even tense. Opened is past, but groan is present, and later you revert to past with didn't. Keep it even, dear.

The hornet's nest I had one called my hair hung around my pale face, as if in mockery of my current position. I found a piece of string on the floor, and managed to pull my hair into what resembled a ponytail.

I think you me "once" instead of one; also, just call it a ponytail, albeit messy, gross, whatever.

I climbed down the ladder, and went into what seemed to be the warehouse living room.

On the same note of you saying "resembled a ponytail", I don't think you should say "seemed to be". Either something functions as something, or it doesn't, but the uncertainty in tone sets things off a good many degrees, and does bad things for the audience, so, I would let it go.

"No, just worried, I mean...nevermind...I don't know.....I'm okay." I said, trying to sound like I had some idea what I was talking about. I still surprised a shutter at the thought of the gun against my head.

I think you mean suppressed a shudder?

"Good morning, sunshine," Jack said, almost mirroring Antonio's mocking tone.

Is he, or is he not? Keep it certain.

*

I don't think you've done half a bad job here, but I think that this story is lacking a serious amount of emotion. We get a little about how the narrator feels, but I still feel like you should incorporate more sensory details. How does the atmosphere feel, how does it look, smell? When he whispers that the hole points away from her, does he come close enough so she can feel his breath on her skin? Does she feel sick when she shoots him? Or does she just stand there? Maybe the gun drops from her hand in shock, or maybe she's too stunned to move. You have the concrete foundation for the story, now build it up.

I take it this story is set in the future, but I don't get much of a futuristic feeling from it. I think that you need to focus on that a little more, because that leaves for a lot of holes that need to be filled in.

June

Hello.

June covered some points, and I agree with her about the lack of emotion, but I'd like to point out this line:

"I know," I hissed back, even though it was new information. I didn't have the faintest idea how to use a gun, though I wouldn't let anyone know that.

This line made me wonder just where your character lives and how much she avoided... life in general to not know how to use a gun. I know it's set in the future, but this line still sounds so implausible.

1- She has just had a gun held to her head recently. And has probably seen other guns in the very recent past.
2- She lived on a farm. I don't mean to stereotype here, but I know a few people who lived on a farm/in rural areas and they know at least the basics of using a gun.
3- If you look at popular culture, the news, a few books, quite a lot of movies, commercials, tv shows, I could go on, then chances are the character will have seen how a gun works. You could argue that this is a futuristic world, but it doesn't really feel futuristic. So I'm mostly assuming culture is the same.

Sure, it gives us some characterization on how not-street-smart she is, but at the same time this line would make readers think it's a miracle if she lives another day, even if she learns how to use a gun right now. Guns are not exactly an easy thing to master. She'd be more of a liability to them than any sort of asset and probably wouldn't be going out on a job for fear she'd hurt their own men instead of hitting her target.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey

Very good, although your grammar could use a little touching-up. I like your general idea, even if it is a little bloody. Keep on writing!