breathe

Breathe In

Breathe in, Breathe out
It will all be okay
Somewhere, somehow
Somewhen, someday
Your tears fall now
But soon they will dry
Although I don't know how
And I never knew why
Have hope and have faith
In a change for the better
And know your grief from today
Will not last forever
You carry sorrow, pain, and hate,
But must hold your head high
These scars will soon fade
We'll make it through, you and I

Hey,

This poem could be good, but at the moment it is hard to take any of it in because it's just a big block of writing on the page. That's simply it.

I would try and put it into stanzas and then it could be a good piece, because the content is good, but it doesn't sink in.

PM for anything.

~Retro Disco666

Hey there~

I think it was good, and the meaning of the poem was really nice, but the flow seemed to be fragmented in a few places. It seemed almost as if there were some things missing in some places, even thought I'm pretty sure there wasn't. Try to fix..?

Hi.

The only real problems with this poem are as follows:

1.) You lack imagery. This is, as another critiquer said, a big chunk of text on the page. It discourages people from reading, as it's not pleasing to the eye, and it's not very fun to read. There's no interesting language and no images to illustrate what you're saying. That lack of imagery and figurative language is making this a rather dry piece. There are images, but they're weak, and you don't expand on them. Take two or three images, blend them, and make them into the major support for your theme.

2.) The flow here is off. I don't know if it's the line breaks or what, but...it feels off to me. I don't know how to fix it, though.

Happy writing.

Hmmmmm... when I view it, it's broken into stanzas.
Help???

I liked this poem, I know that the words and feeling put into it can relate to many other people's lives today. Like others who commented before me, yes the rhythm is a bit cut in some places, but the beginning was great, and there was a strong ending, which is always important in closing up a piece of literature. Well done, I look forward to more of your writing!

Hi there.. so, I think this was good. However, I do think it could be even better with some imagery.. metaphors and descriptions, just a bit, not too much. The rhythm felt a bit forced in some parts, but wasn't entirely rough. I also think that either punctuation or separated stanzas could make this easier on the eyes, a more encouraging read. Overall, I thought this was a nice write.. it kind of reminded me of something that I've written, mostly from the title.

Nice job.


-Coral-

Hey! I did like this poem, alot actually. But just as other people have pointed out, it is in one huge chunk and not very apealing to the eye. You said that it is stanzas when you look at it? Well it might just be a little glitch. Maybe put it in the original format and submit it, then re-do the stanzas and submit it again?
Another thing it that you have some sentences that just been a little broken and blunt. Maybe try and get some of those imagery boosters in there.
Feel free to P.M. me with any questions!