Flying (EDITED)

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((So for class about... two years ago we were writing these really short stories. I forget what they were called, but they were under 500 words, I believe that was the limit. So I wrote this short story for my class and now I'm submitting it to here. It is supposed to be very short and very vague, but do please comment. ^~^))

In my dream, my feet were so cold they felt paralyzed. Yet, as strong as they burned in the snow, I wasn't thinking about them. Another question pestered my mind: Where was she?
The annoying steam from my breath billowed up into my glasses, fogging them as I wandered almost blindingly through the gentle snowfall. It amazed me at how quietly snow fell, compared to the pitter-patter of the rain. It was all too white. Every inch of everything was smothered in a coat of white, wet paint. The only thing I could hear was the thick crunch of my sister's and my feet in the snow. She held onto my hand, clinging to it so tightly, as if she were scared.
We reached the fence. It too had not escaped the snow, even though trees loomed above it. The clouds slept in the sky, letting a mute light reach the earth. No actual sun could be seen, but a bitter wind stirred, and then calmed. The world had never been more peaceful.. I glanced up at a broken, ice covered lamp post, then opened the fence gate.
We trampled along the path in a patch of trees, and I now clamped back on my sister's hand, but not hard enough to hurt her. We reached a tree and the path curved in a sharp corner around it. Rounding the corner, my vision was obscured by something dangling in front of me. I gave a small gasp of surprise and took a step back, almost crushing my sister's toes. Both our heads turned up as we realized it was our mother. Her face slept so serene that she looked more like a doll or even an angel. My sister gave my hand a squeeze, and her unsure voice swept towards me. Just before I woke up I heard her ask, "Alia... is mommy flying?"
Last edited by Hibiscus on Thu Jul 01, 2010 1:52 pm, edited 7 times in total.
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Hey,

It was short but effective.

I love the first paragraph, it left a vagueness but gave us a reason to keep reading.

If i were you, i would keep writing this and make it into a longer story or even a novel.
:D

~Retro Disco666
'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
~Francoise Sagan




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Hey there Hibiscus. So first off, it's a good idea to make any introduction into a story stand apart from
the rest of the story. I recommend boldsora different color. Because right away, as I started reading
that first paragraph, I was like, ugh...this is going to be a really bad story. But then I realized it was you
explaining the story. So yeah. :D

Also, I think the type of story you were thinking of was Flash Fiction. If you look about YWS, you'll actually find a lot of examples of flash fiction, even if it isn't labled as such.

In my dream, my feet were so cold they felt paralyzed. Yet, as strong as they burned in the snow, I wasn't thinking about them. Another question pestered my mind: Where was she?
This is just a suggestion, but sometimes italics will make thoughts stand out with a little more humph.

The annoying steam from my breath billowed up into my glasses, fogging them as I wandered almost blindingly through the gentle snowfall. It amazed me at how quietly snow fell compared to the pitter-patter of the rain. It was all too white. Every inch of everything was smothered in a coat of white, wet paint. The only thing I could hear was the thick crunch of my sister's and my feet in the snow. She held onto my hand, clinging to it so tightly, as if she were scared.

We reached the fence. It too had not escaped the snow, even though trees loomed above it. The clouds slept in the sky, letting a mute light reach the earth. No actual sun could be seen, but a bitter wind stirred, and then calmed. The world had never been more peaceful.. I glanced up at a broken, ice covered lamp post, then opened the fence gate.

We tramped along the path, and I now clamped back on my sister's hand, but not hard enough to hurt her. We reached a tree and the path curved in a sharp corner. My vision was obscured by something floating in the path near the tree. I gave a small gasp of surprise and took a step back, barely managing to not step (this little chunk sounds very clumsy and should probably be reworded) on my little sister's toes. We both looked up at her. Her face slept so serene that I was sure she was a doll or even an angel. My sister gave my hand a squeeze, and her unsure voice swept towards me. Just before I woke up I heard her ask, "Alia... is mommy flying?"


Okay, I understand you were supposed to be vague, but this is a little too vague I think. The beginning makes plenty of sense. You're describing a dream. It doesn't really have a plot, but it's a piece of descriptive narative. It's that last paragraph that threw me off. You tried to add all of this meaning and symbolism to the story that I just didn't understand.

I also noticed that the wording sounded funny in a few places, namely where I pointed stuff out. Don't forget the simplest way to catch grammar mistakes that I know of. Read it out loud, word for word, slowly and out loud. It will be one of the most powerful weapons in your arsonal because you might read things one way but you'll hear them the way they're written.


If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.



May you never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, then lie with me all the nights of your life. And if you must cheat, then please, cheat death.
— An Unknown Bride, Leap Year