Joanna

Joanna;

I saw the way you walked over from the bar,
You pale red lips caught my eye.
Your grey eyes overshadowed by dark mascara,
and your rose hair hung effortlessly by your throat.

You placed the glass on my table,
looked me dead straight in the eye,
gave a sheepish smile and turned away,
and knew i was watching you walk.

Only if you knew how different our intentions were,
you wanted love and i felt hate.
In the early stages of the next morning,
I wanted to know your aching fear.

I pushed away from my table,
took half a dozen steps towards the bar,
before i reached you, you were walking towards me,
gesturing that i should take your arm.

I led you out onto the abysmal waterfront,
saw the rotting piers escaping into the ocean.
We didn't say a word,
the only sound was the breaking of the waves against the sand.

Salt bashed against your freckled arms,
as you turned your head and smiled at me,
you turned your head and began walk down a pier,
and I, I was to follow your lead.

You sat on the edge of the pier,
your pale legs hanging from beneath your yellowish dress,
you were staring out into the distance,
as if you were waiting for an old friend.

"Joanna" you said in the most faint voice,
it was quiet ,but cut through the breeze like the sharpest knife,
The fisherman's haul being dragged in the distance,
Selling flesh for money. The pain of the shallowest man.

You stared across the sea,
into the unknown territories that lay beyond.
The sun began to creep over the horizon,
this is how I knew it was time.

I picked you up by your arm,
your slender fingers around my wrist,
I placed a kiss on your chapped lips,
and pushed you into the sea.

You fell, fell aimlessly,
the dead pier did not notice,
the shallow fisherman did not notice,
My only witness could not talk; the fish.

I cried for help, but no-one came,
as far as anyone knew it was an accident,
her yellow dress carried her carcass down the dwindling coast,
where she would rest upon the gritty sand.

Your chap lips clung to sand and the salt from the sea,
your once light hair, now dark and tangled like seaweed,
your grey eyes, are now the eyes of a dead man,
and your mascara was smeared like forgotten tears.

I walked away from the beach,
I left the waterfront,
I left all together,
No-one will ever know that I, I killed Joanna





Okay I know this really isn't a poem, so if anyone could clarify on that as well, that would be great.

Hello! Here's the review you wanted!

I liked how you told a story in a poem. I also loved how you described Joanna and the main character. I also love how you described his pain. The only thing that I would fix is describing her death. Perhaps a bit more detail would be nice.

Other than that, I enjoyed your poem.

I saw the way you walked over from the bar; your pale red lips caught my eye. Your grey eyes overshadowed by dark mascara, and your rose hair hung effortlessly by your throat.You placed the glass on my table, looked me dead straight in the eye, gave a sheepish smile and turned away; and knew i was watching you walk.

Only if you knew how different our intentions were. you wanted love and i felt hate. In the early stages of the next morning, I wanted to know your aching fear. I pushed away from my table, took half a dozen steps towards the bar. before i reached you, you were walking towards me, gesturing that i should take your arm.


it's a short story :]

you could turn it into a poem if you made it rhyme and gave your lines a set number of syllables and a rhythm.

i still liked it. more so in story form because it's easier to read.
xx

I actually felt it was very story like, and that it would make an excellent story.
I kind of wanna know more... or have more to read, I should say, lol.

The only thing I really have to say is: vocabulary choice. That's probably pathetic, but you could try and spice it up a bit with different and more tone-fitting words.

Also... in my own opinion, I thought when you used the word "bashed" it seemed a bit too harsh... The mental image. I like how you used a different word in this case, but in my own personal opinion I didn't think it fit very well.

Other than that, bravo~~~ ^^

Thanks for the comments

~Retro Disco666

Joanna;

I saw the way you walked over from the bar,
your pale red lips caught my eye.
Your grey eyes overshadowed by dark mascara,
and your rose hair hung effortlessly by your throat.

You placed the glass on my table,
looked me dead straight in the eye,
gave a sheepish smile and turned away,
and knew I was watching you walk.

Only if you knew how different our intentions were,
you wanted love and I felt hate.
In the early stages of the next morning,
I wanted to know your aching fear.

I pushed away from my table,
took half a dozen steps towards the bar.
Before I reached you, you were walking towards me,
gesturing that I should take your arm.

I led you out onto the abysmal waterfront,
saw the rotting piers escaping into the ocean.
We didn't say a word,
the only sound was the breaking of the waves against the sand.

Salt bashed against your freckled arms, You don't need this comma.
as you turned your head and smiled at me.
You turned your head and began walk down a pier,
and I, I was to follow your lead.

You sat on the edge of the pier,
your pale legs hanging from beneath your yellowish dress.
You were staring out into the distance, You don't need this comma either.
as if you were waiting for an old friend.

"Joanna" you said in the most faint voice.
It was quiet ,but cut through the breeze like the sharpest knife.
The fisherman's haul being dragged in the distance,
selling flesh for money. The pain of the shallowest man.

You stared across the sea,
into the unknown territories that lay beyond.
The sun began to creep over the horizon,
this is how I knew it was time.

I picked you up by your arm,
your slender fingers around my wrist.
I placed a kiss on your chapped lips,
and pushed you into the sea.

You fell, fell aimlessly.
The dead pier did not notice,
the shallow fisherman did not notice.
My only witness could not talk; the fish.

I cried for help, but no-one came,
as far as anyone knew it was an accident.
Her yellow dress carried her carcass down the dwindling coast, Unneeded comma
where she would rest upon the gritty sand.

Your chap lips clung to sand and the salt from the sea.
Your once light hair, now dark and tangled like seaweed,
your grey eyes, Unneeded comma are now the eyes of a dead man,
and your mascara was smeared like forgotten tears.

I walked away from the beach,
I left the waterfront,
I left all together.
No-one will ever know that I, I killed Joanna.
Really good ending!

Overall

This was previously in a poetry forum, wasn't it? I know that you said that you didn't think this was technically a poem, but I think that it actually works quite well as one. The only difference is that, instead of being a dramatic poem, it was a narrative one. Narrative poems tell stories and this is what this did. Although this is true, I think that it works well as a story as well. If you do want it to be more like a story, you should change the structure of this so that it looks like a short story, not a poem. You've set this out in stanzas, therefore, it looks more like a poem. Onto the poem/story itself, I was very impressed! My favourite thing about this was the ending; it was unexpected. I always love that in a story and in a poem. Well done for achieving that. Another thing that I very much liked about this were your descriptions. They were very vivid and, in my opinion, really creative. As for your spelling, it was really impressive. I didn't find a single misspelled word. Speaking of words, I love how you varied your vocabulary. Instead of using obvious, boring words, you varied your words and made this story/poem really creative and enjoyable to read.

My only negative comment on this is probably the grammar, which isn't a major one at all. One thing that I noticed about this poem was that, at times, you got a bit confused as of when to use commas. This is completely understandable though, commas are very confusing. I myself have problems with using commas correctly. The use of commas seem to be even more confusing to people when writing poetry. What many people don't seem to know is the fact that the grammar in a poem is exactly the same as the grammar if you were writing a story. When a sentence ends, you need a period. When a gap is needed in a sentence, you use a comma e.t.c. Another thing that I noticed about your grammar was the fact that you didn't capitalize anything. Some pots don't like capitalizing things, but I think that capitalizing looks better. It's up to you whether you capitalize something though, I guess.

I walked away from the beach,
I left the waterfront,
I left all together,
No-one will ever know that I, I killed Joanna

Out of all of the stanzas, this was the one that I liked best. I think that it was a really good ending. The reason I like it so much is because in the previous stanzas, you were detailed and descriptive, but in this one, you said what you had to say very simply. I have to say, the simplicity of it sent shivers down my spine. It felt as though the narrator thought that killing someone was such an everyday, no biggy kind of thing. Creepy. O.o

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

I think it's perfect/beautiful. Or maybe i am just partial because my name is Joanna.(*O_o*)

This is amazing. I like the poem/story mix. You put really great description into your main character. I also really liked the last line. That was awesome. I loved it, it really was beautiful.