The Golden Rose

11 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 981
Reviews 2
Thunder rolled over head. Dark storm clouds loomed over the old forest. Footsteps mashed into the mud lead to a young girl running through the thick underbrush. What she was running from could very likely be her own imagination. Thorns and branches reached out like fingers. They pulled her hair and tore her dress, but she just kept running.
With a blank expression on her face she stumbled out of the brush and into the begining of the old forest.
Thunder boomed above the trees, causing the young girl to start running again. Her bare feet tangled in the long moss as she ran. Rain pounded the trees, somehow it slid through the leaves to reach her skin. Lightning struck a tree in front of her. A scream pierced the night air. The burned tree came tumbling down. The young girl stumbled backwards in fear for her life.
She tripped over a tree trunk and fell. Her bottom hit the ground first but her head struck a rock. Warm blood ozzed out of her head, staining the already rain-soaked ground. Black and white dots spun like dancers around eyes.
Everything she remember came flooding into her mind. Her parents, her brother, her friends, her family, her home. Even at her age she could see that it was the end-that she would have to give it all up. And so she closed her eyes and prayed that no one would miss her.
A single salty tear rolled down her cheek.

And in that dark moment something magical happened.
When the tear hit the rock it began to grow and change. It seemed to turn golden... And then a single golden rose grew out of the rock, right beside the dying girl, born from a last tear.
As the girl began to breath heavy, the rose's petals fell. As the girls body became heavy, the rose's stem began to bend. And as the young girl took her last breath the rose wilted and crumpled to the cold blood-stained rock.


Please review!!! This is my first post... =)
Attachments
8933011_eedb109786_b.jpg
8933011_eedb109786_b.jpg (44.49 KiB) Viewed 352 times
Last edited by Wolfy on Thu Jul 01, 2010 4:44 am, edited 3 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 940
Reviews 21
Wolfy wrote:Thunder rolled over head. Dark storm clouds loomed over the old forest. Footsteps mashed intot he mud lead to a young girl running through the thick underbrush. What she was running from could very likely be her own imagination. Thorns and branches reached out like finger. They pulled her hair and tore her dress, but she just closed her eyes and kept running.
With a blank expression on her face she stumbled out of the brush and into the begining of the old forest.
Thunder boomed above the trees, causing the young girl to start running again. Her bare feet tangled in the long moss as she ran.
Rain pounded the trees, somehow it slipped through the leaves to reach her skin. Lighting struck a tree in front of her. A sream peirced the nigth air. The burned tree came tompling down. The young girl stumbled backwards in fear for her life.
She tripped over a tree trunk and fell. Her bottom hit the ground first but her struck a rock. Warm blood ozzed out of her head staining the already rain-soaked ground. Black and white dots spun like dancers around eyes.
Everything she remember came flooding into her mind. Her parents, her brother, her friends, her family, her home. Even at her age she could see that it was the end-that she would have to give it all up. And so she closed her eyes and prayed that no one would miss her.
A single salty tear rolled down her cheek.

And in that dark moment something magical happened.
When the tear hit the rock it began to grow and change. It seemed to turn golden... And then a single golden rose grew out of the rock, right beside the dying girl, born from a last tear.
As the girl began to breath heavy, the rose's petals fell. As the girls body became heavy, the rose's stem began to bend. And as the young girl took her last breath the rose wilted and crumpled to the cold blood-stained rock.

Please review!!! This is my first post... =)



okay this is my review:

parpagraph one:

Footsteps mashed intot he mud lead to a young girl running through the thick underbrush.


1.) make sure that you spell correctly 'intot he' = 'into the'

They pulled her hair and tore her dress, but she just closed her eyes and kept running.
With a blank expression on her face she stumbled out of the brush and into the begining of the old forest.


2.) one minute she closed her eyes and then she had no expression on her face...show what happened between there. it could be confusing here.

Her bottom hit the ground first but her struck a rock. Warm blood ozzed out of her head staining the already rain-soaked ground.


3.) Wait? so her botom hit the ground first, but her head got hit by a rock? explain more here

paragraph two:

i have no problems with this parapgragh. it was sad but really good :)

hoped i help Wolfy
Love from the girl who wishes she could fly and be a wolf,

J. L. S.

LOOK HERE!

Spoiler
If you support LGBT people please come join at this group! viewgroup.php?f=336




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 981
Reviews 2
thanks it really helped....




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 940
Reviews 21
welcome and i like your flower..i drew something like that before, it was really good.
Love from the girl who wishes she could fly and be a wolf,

J. L. S.

LOOK HERE!

Spoiler
If you support LGBT people please come join at this group! viewgroup.php?f=336




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 981
Reviews 2
o i found that flower on google!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 940
Reviews 21
lol that is cool though
Love from the girl who wishes she could fly and be a wolf,

J. L. S.

LOOK HERE!

Spoiler
If you support LGBT people please come join at this group! viewgroup.php?f=336




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 471
Reviews 532
OHMYGOSH! I totally loved the story and that picture was beautiful! Great Job!

With a blank expression on her face she stumbled out of the brush and into the begining of the old forest.
With a blank expression on her face, she stumbled out of the brush and into the beginning of the old forest.

A sream peirced the nigth air.

A scream pierced the night air.

The burned tree came tompling down. The young girl stumbled backwards in fear for her life.
I THINK the red word is not well written, but I don't know exactly what word you wanted to use, (because my first language is Spanish... sorry for that). Maybe an online dictionary will be helpful... http://www.wordrefrence.com

She tripped over a tree trunk and fell. Her bottom hit the ground first but her head struck a rock.

She tripped over a tree trunk and fell. Her bottom hit the ground first, but her head struck a rock.

And so she closed her eyes and prayed that no one would miss her.

Wow, that's so beautiful... I never thought about that.
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1545
Reviews 2
You've created some strong images and a charged atmosphere that really catches the attention of the reader :)

Now onto some helpful critique:

Rain pounded the trees, somehow it slipped through the leaves to reach her skin. Lighting struck a tree in front of her. A sream peirced the nigth air. The burned tree came tompling down.

You need to fix a couple of highlighted typos and I'm not sure about the use of an urban word like "tompling" here, do you mean "toppling?" Also, it's easy to imagine the rain falling onto her skin if its pounding the trees so maybe try:
"Rain pounded the trees, slipping/sliding through the leaves to reach her skin."

She tripped over a tree trunk and fell. Her bottom hit the ground first but her head struck a rock. Warm blood ozzed out of her head, staining the already rain-soaked ground. Black and white dots spun like dancers around eyes.
Everything she remember came flooding into her mind. Her parents, her brother, her friends, her family, her home. Even at her age she could see that it was the end-that she would have to give it all up. And so she closed her eyes and prayed that no one would miss her.
A single salty tear rolled down her cheek.

And in that dark moment something magical happened.
When the tear hit the rock it began to grow and change. It seemed to turn golden... And then a single golden rose grew out of the rock, right beside the dying girl, born from a last tear.
As the girl began to breath heavy, the rose's petals fell. As the girls body became heavy, the rose's stem began to bend. And as the young girl took her last breath the rose wilted and crumpled to the cold blood-stained rock.


You need to fix the punctuation of ozzed to oozed. Also, did her bottom hit the ground before/after/during her head being struck? Though I loved the last few paragraphs and the bittersweet imagery of it. I hope you keep up the writing :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 981
Reviews 2
Thanks guys..and sorry for all the typoes....My computer doesn't have spell check, so yeah....sorry- my mom is my spell check!!!!(stuck in the ice age over here) =D


And by the way tompling was suposed to be Tumbled...hehee-horrible....




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1277
Reviews 31
hi i am pencil!

good job on your first post. your work has a theme of darkness and beauty of expression. it reminds me of the way i write on my blog so it was beautiful and WOW you have so much in common with me i also take pictures from Google.well good job and you can stay a bit of the confusing drama!

lots of luck,
E'stella




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 18916
Reviews 530
I don't wish to be harsh, but I am because this has great potential. This is all too stiff. Stiff sentences, usually short and you don't vary the lengths of them. Of course, to do this, combine a few sentences, maybe add stuff to them. And maybe you've never had anyone tell you this:
Cut down on description. Everything is described which leads to a sort of Stephenie-Meyer-Dazzling theme. Also, you tend to repeat some things, like the thunder in your story. Don't let the girl stop running, maybe don't stop the thunder. I don't know. You have to do this on your own.
Though I really enjoyed the ending. Very pretty-melancholy-ish :P

And I suggest all the things Paperwanderer said :) Especially the rock bottom thing.

You need to correct a lot of things, but when that is done, this story will be mind-boggling :)

Lavvi
this tender selfmetamorpoiesisi have returned with the swell

What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl



"its been a hot minute" no it hasn't minutes aren't hot
— canopy