Enemy Of State.

This was incredibly rushed...I blame Write or Die and thank it at the same time. Oh and this might be my Julnowrimo thingy.




Alena walked up to Liam, well she more like stomped. She hated him so much and wished he would die. She wished his fat, chubby face would melt and turn into candle solution so she could mold it and then burn it......she knew it made no sense but she couldn't explain how she felt.

But that was only a daydream and in the real world Liam was her boss and he was also her little sister's fiance. Alena did not approve of Lucy's choice of boyfriends especially Liam. Lucy was a cute, blond angel who had been pampered all her life and had gotten everything she wanted including all of Alena's boyfriends. But Alena didn't care she loved Lucy and would do anything for her.

Alena failed to see bad in Lucy and this was her greatest fault.

"What do you want?" Alena asked Liam her back straightened up as if she was a soldier and Liam her commander. It's meant to be quite hard meeting your ex-boyfriend....but she wished she didn't have to see him EVERYDAY!

"Alena," He said curving one eyebrow. It had been one of the things she found appealing about him but now....she still found it appealing. "Still as charming as ever." He said in his ever curt British accent.

"Seriously, what do you want? I have work to do you know..." She said exasperatedly.

He smiled. "You didn't seem to think that when I was with you. In fact you seemed to think you had all the time in the world."

Alena flushed red.

"Well that was when I thought you weren't a cradle snatcher." She replied.

"Oh Alena." He muttered.

"What do you want?" She asked slamming her hand on the mahogany table.

"Why all this haste?" He asked. "Have some tea...sister-in-law."

"Don't you ever call me that!" She yelled. Her eyes glinted in anger."I don't have time for your crap Liam."

Liam curved one eyebrow again and this time Alena punched him in the face.

"Feisty are we?" He said licking the blood off his lips but he was talking to an empty room because Alena had already left.

Hiya. Here's just my two cents.

Well, to start out, this was really short, so I didn't really get a great idea of where your going with it, but I'll just review what's here.

First, let me say that, from what I gather from your premise I think this has alot of promise, provided you don't get caught in some cliches that are easy to fall into with this kind of setup. So I would keep going with this.

So, some improvement type stuff.

Just a little thing, but you use allot of ellipses, or "..." in this piece. It is generally a good idea to try and avoid them when writing. I think the piece would work just as well if you took them out.

But that was only a daydream and in the real world Liam was her boss and he was also her little sister's fiance. Alena did not approve of Lucy's choice of boyfriends especially Liam. Lucy was a cute, blond angel who had been pampered all her life and had gotten everything she wanted including all of Alena's boyfriends. But Alena didn't care she loved Lucy and would do anything for her.

Alena failed to see bad in Lucy and this was her greatest fault.

So this is a long quote, but I wanted to point it out because it is all telling. You are telling us that Alena did not approve of Lucy's choice in boyfriends, show us instead. Perhaps include a scene with Alena and Lucy, discussing Laim. Or you could include a scene with Lucy seeing the two of them together, you could show us what she does to express her disapproval, or if she doesn't express it, you could show us the thought process that made her come to that decision. If you do the same with the idea that Lucy is pampered, (show us a scene of Lucy being pampered) and Alena failing to see the bad in Lucy, (show us that too, perhaps in the same scene) you won't have to tell us. Plus, it will add interest for your reader. Granted, showing is more difficult to write, but it really improves a story. There's a good article here on showing vs. telling if you would like more examples and explanation.

So that was short, but if you would like some additional help or have any questions, feel free to PM me. As always, Keep Writing!

-Turquoise

Heya AngerManagement!*waves her hand*

I really like your username. Well, any special reason behind it? So, when I saw this I couldn't control myself to read it. But I think you should better change the title. Mainly because for people like me, the name sounds very boring while your story is the totally opposite of it. So, you might re-considering the title. As of now, I can't be of any help on the suggestions for it because I haven't got much of the story. Maybe in the next few chapters.

She hated him so much and wished he would die.

In the second sentence itself you did the telling this. I would have liked it if you could have included a thought from Alena. Something maybe like:She grimaced. I hate this guy! Why can't he die? She thought to herself and smirked. I think you must have understood my point.

She wished his fat, chubby face would melt and turn into candle solution so she could mold it and then burn it......she knew it made no sense but she couldn't explain how she felt.

I like this!

Lucy was a cute, blond angel who had been pampered all her life and had gotten everything she wanted, including all of Alena's boyfriends

.

Alena didn't care; she loved Lucy and would do anything for her.

Well, I feel like laughing. I very well understand what you mean by it, but the phrasing tells something else.

"What do you want?" Alena asked Liam, her back straightened up as if she was a soldier and Liam her commander.

"Don't you ever call me that!" She yelled. Her eyes glinted in anger."I don't have time for your crap, Liam."

Well, I would agree with TurqoiseRoses that this was more of a telling than showing. You really needed to explain us more about the situations. Maybe some thoughts that they are having could have worked out here or the things from the past, small occurrences. And if you do that your story would be a great one as Roses said.

Now coming onto what she has missed, I saw that you have a hard time with the commas. if you scroll up and see then you would find that most of the mistakes that I have pointed out are of commas, so you seriously need to work on it. You would surely find some great articles on how to use commas in the Writing Tips section in the All Community Forum. if you master the comma putting art then you have a great, almost perfect story here. So work on it!

As it was really short there is not much to talk about but I would surely like to add that I thought this was a bit confusing at times. You said that Liam was her ex, her boss and sister's finance. Right? Well, if she misbehaves so much with him on a regular bases, shouldn't he fire him? Does he still feel something for her or he doesn't fire her because of Lucy? If you keep this point in mind and write the next part, it would be a lot better. Also, I can't say mush as I am not sure where this is headed.

Now to some good parts. i really liked this! Really! The way you told the things, the story behind was good if we ignore the points mentioned above but it isn't possible to do. So, just work on the above points so that people don't have any trouble reading it and you get more of positive reviews. Right now I am really thrilled to see where it goes. Please, don't stop writing it because that angers me and might have to come to you to get the therapy of Anger management. .

When I was reading it, I was also picturing everything in my mind, just like a picture. If made into a Motion picture, it might do wodners. I have given you a big compliment, so thank me or it. Silly me!

Keep writing and PM me when you need a review. I would be glad to help you out.

~Shubhi

The beginning sentence makes the story sound juvenile (well, more like she stomped)...I like the description at the beginning though.

This was an okay story...I mean, I kinda felt like I was reading the novelization of 27 Dresses...I mean Lucy is described exactly like the blond girl who falls in love with the protag's boss/love...It really reminded me of that...

Anyway, it was okay. It wasn't totally awful or really good. It was okay. You have spelling and grammar right, but the topic felt repetitive (27 Dresses).

Lavvi