Self Insert and her Opposite

I've never posted something like this before, so I don't know where it goes... but I'll plonk it here for the moment. Entry into Ky's contest, here: topic66101.html
In it I have to make a self-insert character and an opposite... let's see if you can guess who's who. I don't know how convinsing my characters are, so any tips on characterisation would be great! Any reviews welcome.

Dana slowly walked along the row of jars, her shoes tapping on the lacquered Science Lab floor. A figure floated opposite her, pencil in hand, its eyes magnified on and of by the yellow liquid of the jars. Dana stopped at a jar containing a snake, eyes clearly showing disgust.
“Pseudechis porphyriacus,” the other girl read off the label on the jar. “Red belly black snake.”
“Poisonous or non-poisonous?” Dana asked, with a sniff. She hated snakes.
“Not very poisonous,” Talia replied. She chewed on the end of her pencil, examining the snake. Memorising its features to put into her drawings later, no doubt.
Dana jotted it down in the book and moved on, shuddering. These creatures were creepy. Her partner was just as vague, even if she was Class Representative. Dana hated any kind of leadership roll, but Talia, for someone who kept out of the popular groups, seemed to feed on it. Probably because she wasn’t in the popular groups, Dana thought.
Talia moved on, her eyes hugely distorted behind the jars. How the girl found these animals interesting, Dana would never know. There were insects, birds, reptiles, mice. Any animal that could fit into a head-sized jar was in there.
“Mus musculus,” Talia read out. “House mouse. Not poisonous.”
Dana jotted that down. Talia grinned at her, the movement stretching like a Cheshire cat’s smile. The insects in the jar in front of her looked like they were lodged in her teeth.
“Christmas beetles! My favorite,” Dana gushed, sweeping forwards to peer into that jar.
“We need to find three more poisonous animals… We’ve got enough non-poisonous ones,” Talia said, taking the book from Dana and looking down the list. “Uum… we’d better look in reptiles more, I think.”
“You think?” Dana said. She turned with a hand on her hip and looked back at the other girl. “It’s not like there’s going to be a poisonous butterfly,” she snorted.
“You never know.” Talia shrugged. Her mischievous eyes looked at the blue collar of Dana’s school blouse. “You have a cockroach on your shoulder.”
“Eugh!” cried Dana, brushing the bug off. It floated away, wings beating, and crawled under a desk. All of a sudden Dana took more notice of where she was standing.
“There’s nothing I hate more than bugs that can fly.”
“Christmas beetles fly,” Talia pointed out. “And they’re your favourite.”
“You get what I mean.”
Talia pulled on a secret smile and waltzed away, scanning the labels on the jars. Dana lagged behind, hoping to cross the group with her best friends in it. She started chattering with them as they walked by, and they three leaned on the desk together, heads in close.
“Dana!” yelled their teacher above the gaggle of talking students. “I didn’t put you in that group because you couldn’t work together well. Don’t make me move your desk away in the classroom,” he warned.
“Yes, Mr. Gorgo.” Dana giggled once more with her friends, rolling her eyes, and trotted to catch up with Talia.
“Hapalochlaena maculosa,” Talia murmured. “Baby Lesser Blue-Ringed Octopus. Definitely poisonous.”

~Durrie

As promised, here is your review! A few nitpicks first.

A figure floated opposite her, pencil in hand, its eyes magnified on and of by the yellow liquid of the jars.

I believe you meant 'off'. Also, on and off doesn't seem like the most accurate description you could use here. The girl is passing between jars, correct? Maybe you could go on to explain and elaborate on that, instead of simply 'on and off', which sounds a bit confusing in the context.

There were insects, birds, reptiles, mice. Any animal that could fit into a head-sized jar was in there.

I'd suggest either combining these two sentences with a semicolon, or adding an 'and' before mice.

Dana lagged behind, hoping to cross the group with her best friends in it.

Show us why she's lagging behind, don't just tell us. Have her look around or seek them out. The way you have this line written gives very little room for any true character development, which from my understand is the point of the contest this piece is for, yes?

and they three leaned on the desk together, heads in close.

the?

Don’t make me move your desk away in the classroom,” he warned.

For some reason, I read it as more threatening without the 'away'.


Overall, I liked this. You could clearly see the contrast between the two characters and their separate personalities for such a short piece. I'd suggest taking a look at repetitive words, like jar(s), as I noticed that you use both forms often. Also, I think you could afford a little more description as to what the lab looks like, as well as the girls themselves, but I realize that the purpose of this is to explore character development, so setting description isn't completely necessary. Other than that though, and the few nitpicks I pointed out above, I thought this was good.

-May (I told you I was rusty! >.>)

Thank you! I'll sort those out, thanks!