Personal Boxing Ring

Smash my vanity,
My insane sanity.
Point your fingers and question my humanity.

Man, I gotta be,
Real, this can't fucking be,
The life I'm supposed to lead.

Everybody laugh and scream.
Oh, such a tragedy.
Why is this happening?

Circular staring-ring.
Personal boxing ring.
Everybody's scaring me.

Please, Mommy, make them leave.
These people, they keep pushing me.
My eyes are closed, but I can see.

Maybe it's just a dream.
Someone shake me, wake me.
Fuck, this can't be happening.

From this dream, I cannot wake.
Sweating, I begin to shake.
I shiver like an earthquake.

Will somebody please wake me?

Your first line is one of the best hooks i have ever read.

Pure genius.

It shows struggles which people can put themselves, regardless of what that persons struggle is. It's deep.

I like it.

~Retro Disco666

I have one burning question about this poem, and that question is "Do you, or do you not, have a rhyme scheme?" Actually, make that two burning questions, the second being "Do you, or do you not, have a set meter?"

You have what appears to be a structured poem here, so the lack of a clear pattern to the meter in particular throws off the flow and makes this poem not fun to read. The easiest way to keep track of meter is by watching the syllable count.

In addition to throwing off the flow, the lack of meter throws off the rhyme in places, and it doesn't help the poem that the rhyme appears and disappears at random. If you have a rhyme, use it consistently. Rhymes rely upon patterns to work, and not having a pattern to the rhyme breaks it and results in a very off-sounding poem.

I've already covered imagery and punctuation in my previous review. The things I said there all apply here.

Lastly, I'd like to point out the use of the word "fucking". It's completely unnecessary, to my mind, and it weakens the poem by cheapening the emotional impact. I can't shake the feeling that you included the word to get a reaction in this poem and the one I previously reviewed, and that is not a good thing. Try getting an emotional response without resorting to curse words; you might be pleasantly surprised at what you find.

Well this poem certainly is dramatic. I'm afraid I must agree with Kyllorac about the use of the F word however. It takes away from the poem's integrity because the word distracts the reader from the message you are trying to get across. I think that if you re-worked that word and found a better flow, the poem would be wonderful! I look forward to reading more from you though, please keep writing!

All of you--thanks for your nice words...and harsh criticism, but I'm pretty sure I've got this. I'm sorry that I'm not a writing major. But what I put into this poem, just explains how I felt at the time, so I can use the F word if I want. I don't care if you don't like it or you think it makes the rest of the thing look shitty, I really just don't. These are my words, and they were not meant to please you. I just write what I write, when I feel like writing it. I don't plan ahead, the words just come out. So, no, I do not have a stupid rhyme scheme or set meter, or whatever. Why do you care, you're seriously 4 years older than me, so calm down.