The Diamond Sky Sinners [01]

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I'm unsure as to whether I like this or not. Feel free to tear it apart, I didn't spend much time on it. Please don't let the religious part of this piece get in your way if you are a non-believer.
Spoiler
Hahaa, If your wondering, I did sit atop a camper and stargaze the first official night of summer and I thought it was a cool experience/good way to kick off my summer. Sounds stupid, but I enjoy doing weird stuff like that.
thanks for reading!
-Meaghan


The night kissed our skins and darkened our eyes as we ran for our given target. The subtle breeze seemed to propel us further into the darkness. It was a little past midnight on a slightly humid summer night. Clad in our pajamas, my best friend and I silently stole away to my neighbor's house, just a few mailboxes down. We stopped in front of the house and walked to their camper in the driveway.
“Are you sure your neighbor isn't home?” Sarah whispered questionably. I chuckled and shook my head. I had wanted something to do that was memorable on this beautiful first night of summer, so this was it.
We were going to climb up to the top my neighbor's camper. Last night while I was sitting on my windowsill, I discovered this perfect stargazing spot. You see, my neighbor's backyard barely had any trees in it, so there was nothing in between the camper and the sky. All the rest of the backyards in my neighborhood, including my own, were thick with trees, making it quite difficult to see the sky. Unless you wanted to go lay in the road. And personally, I did not want to risk my life laying on the road. That's just not my cup of tea. Thus, sitting on top of a camper in a backyard free of trees seemed like a perfect idea. But from there, I wasn't sure what was going to happen.
I found myself in front of the ladder leading to the top of the trailer. I beamed a smile over to Sarah as I grabbed the rung and started to make my way to the top. I heard her heavy sigh as she soon followed in my pursuit. I think she was secretly afraid of being caught by a passerby.
At last our feet hanging over a foreign camper, a few houses down from my abode. I could sense that Sarah was frightened, but I knew there was nothing to be afraid of.
“Chelsea, look at the sky,” Sarah said, cutting off my thoughts. I leaned back onto the trailer and gasped.
The cobalt sky glittered with tiny diamonds and almost devoured them in the darkness. But the half moon stepped in and shone brightly, giving off a luminescence unlike any other. It seemed as though the half moon scared off the cobalt sky and let the diamonds shine like they were created to do.
“Do you ever think that when God created the sky, he sprinkled in the stars to show that even in the darkness, there was still light?” I said, a bit louder than usual.
“What do you mean?” Sarah questioned.
“I mean, he created light and dark, right? But when its dark outside, there is always a beam of light in the sky. Like the moon or the stars.”
Sarah's brown eyes widened as my thought took over her own. “Yeah I think you're right. But maybe it's to show us that he's always watching, even in the dark.”
This made me ponder more. I soon dismissed these thoughts however, because a new one had entered my mind.
“This summer is going to be amazing!” I yelled and stretched my arms out to the sky. Sarah giggled and hushed me.
“You know what else I think?” I turned over on my side to look at Sarah.
“What?”
“We need to have some experience this summer. I'm always hearing that good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment,”
“So basically you want us to have bad judgment?”
I laughed at Sarah, but in a sense, I guess that's what I was saying.
“Sure, let's go with that. I mean you gotta live life with no regrets right? So let's do exactly that. We're just teenagers! We are suppose to do the wrong thing once in awhile, experiment a little. I don't think God would look down on us for it either, I mean come on, everybody else did it when they were our age!”
Sarah smirked at me with a devilish grin. “Here's to a summer we will always remember!”
We clinked our imaginary glasses and continued to lay under the stars, up on the neighbor's trailer.

And thus began our quest for a remarkable, consequential, and unforgettable summer.
I hope you like the stars I stole for you,
One hundred million twinkle lights in neon blue.
I'll be the brightest,
You'll see!




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This is beautiful. Sweet summer story. You have really nice descriptions and dialogue.




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Hello.

This was a nice and calm read. I think you did a good job displaying Sarah and Chelsea's emotions in the moment and how they felt about the summer ahead. Also, with what they did to see the stars and their plans for the summer, you characterized them so I saw two normal teenagers.

While I got a good idea of what you tried to describe in the narration, I think you could have phrased some things better. When you described something more than once you used the same words each time. I think it would be better if you used different words or simply removed the repeating word, depending on the sentence. I also had the impression that some sentences were better off split into two, combined, rearranged, and/or punctuated differently. These sentences have no flow from one to the next and make the narration difficult to follow, or they simply sound awkward. I suggest that you try reading out loud to find these.

The dialogue was really good, but I think it could use more contractions because this is an informal situation. I had a problem with the dialogue tags because you made your characters speak with their own voice, thus making the tags redundant. These tags also jumped out at me because of adverbs, they were something other than "said", and/or they sounded tacky. I'm really glad you dropped them after a certain point, instead replacing them with character actions when something was needed.

All in all, this is a good piece, simple and sweet. Nice work! You're welcome to PM me if you have any questions or comments.
Lumi: I hate it when plans require faith in competence.
Jagged: You should know better by now.



Saying Why-Double-you-Ehs is inversely like saying Ah-beh-Seh (Abc)... just say yewis it's cooler.
— Anonymous