Seasons

This is the beginning of an LGBT novel I am working on...

Seasons: Autumn
It happens to everyone. You eventually forget what that one person looked like because you haven’t seen them in so long. You wish you could remember, but you cry because you can’t. You forget their eye color, the way they walked, or the sound of their voice.
It had been weeks since the accident and no one had seen or heard from Caroline. Everyone only assumed that the trophy girlfriend of football star, Tyler Jackson, was taking time to cope with the death of her boyfriend. But, I closed my eyes and I could see her, smell her, and touch her. I inhaled and could smell the scent of her shampoo. I could see her face, her long, curly, brown hair and her brown eyes. I could feel her dark, olive skin again against mine, as I did so many times before.

Very nice work! Since this is only two paragraphs, I'm just going to pick at the little things.

musicheroine wrote:You forget their eye color, the way they walked, or the sound of their voice.

I might suggest changing the word "or" to "and." This is optional, of course, but I just feel like saying "or" takes away from the meaning of the paragraph. You could even remove the word "or" and leave it without a conjunction; with literary license, don't take all the restrictions of essay-writing too seriously.

musicheroine wrote:Everyone only assumed that the trophy girlfriend of football star#FF0000 ">, Tyler Jackson#FF0000 ">, was taking time to cope with the death of her boyfriend. But#FF0000 ">, I closed my eyes and I could see her, smell her, and touch her. I inhaled and could smell the scent of her shampoo. I could see her face, her long, curly#FF0000 ">, brown hair and her brown eyes. I could feel her dark#FF0000 ">, olive skin again against mine, as I did so many times before.

You don't need any of the commas I've put in red.

Next: redundancy. When you smell something, it's usually a scent. Thus, you could simply say, "I inhaled and could smell her shampoo." Plus, doing something "as [you] so many times before" indicates that you are doing it again, so you don't need the the word "again."

I have critiqued you far too much for such a meaningful piece of work, but I hope my advice proves useful.

Hello, I'm Evi. I moved this to General Fiction Novels since you said this is the beginning of a novel, and not a short story. Does that make this a prologue, then? Abigail covered everything I was going to point out, especially removing those commas in the second paragraph. The only other thing I have left to suggest is that you avoid listing so much:

"their eye color, the way they walked, or the sound of their voice."
"and I could see her, smell her, and touch her."
"I could see her face, her long, curly, brown hair and her brown eyes."

For just to paragraphs, three lists are too much and begin to be noticeable, especially when it all comes in threes. Consider saving some of this description for later, or even taking out one of those final conjunctions, the ones I bolded. Sometimes that adds to the effect of the words.

Also, your narrator says that:

Everyone only assumed that the trophy girlfriend of football star, Tyler Jackson, was taking time to cope with the death of her boyfriend. But

This "but" leads us to think that your narrator assumes differently. Then you don't explain what the narrator does think is going on with Caroline. It's fine to explain how her can still see her, smell her, but explain what he means by this.

Good luck with wherever you take this, and PM me for anything!

~Evi