The creation(working title) C1

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The story still needs an into where someone will start telling you this tale.
so i deliberately put in in the you form,
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The creation
There was a time before man and before the gods, a time even before Earth. In this time there was nothing. A vast black abyss of endless proportion where everything fell, but it did not fall down, up nor any other direction for even these did not exist. It just fell for all eternity.
This black emptiness however was a great formless entity, this entity was everything and nothing at the same time, floating in the vast endlessness of itself.
It had the power to create anything from nothing, just like your mind can create anything, static or alive and let it exist in your thoughts, we call this entity Cosmos.
Cosmos had created a large range of things. His first creations where simple rocks, varying in size from grains of sand to vast unimaginably large proportion. These rocks where scattered across Cosmos’ so that they would not crash into each other.
After having that done Cosmos felt need for a challenge and experimented with sentient creations that could move, feel and speak at their own free will. He first created living rocks. Nearly extinct creatures that we call Golems or Giants. But soon he grew tired of them, feeling that he did not create something with enough potential, and went further.
He wanted a more delicate creature, something not made out of cold, hard rock. It was then that he created the beings that would inhabit this world.
He formed and molded them for many of our lifetimes until he got something that suited him. This was a petite creature, delicate and frail, and yet capable of great things. Cosmos had created us, man. Cosmos was proud of these creatures and wanted to give them a suitable place to dwell. So he made his creations fall into a deep sleep, planning to only awaken it once it has a suitable home.

For this task he created the five great gods, whom would be ordered to create our world.
Each of these gods was shaped differently, everyone with their own personality, strength and gifts. This way Cosmos was sure that these gods would, when in unity, be able to solve all problems, for all had a different way of thinking.
The first to be created was Balor, he was given the gift of wisdom and possessed great physical strength. Next came his brother Blot, equally wise but lacking the strength of his brother, something that he would later compensate with cunning and trickery. Wymar the middle brother had great compassion and love. Gwawl was granted the mastery of all physical skills and Anu, the lone sister, was given the greatest powers of creation.

It was but seconds after they had been created when Cosmos put upon them the task of creating the world of man. Cosmos also made it clear that he did not want to interfere and that this task rested solely on them.
The young gods, not wanting to disappoint their father, set out to work on this task immediately.
“Our father did not show us how this world must be.” Said Balor to the others, “Thus we must shape this world ourselves. We shall bind the rocks of Cosmos and make this the dwelling place of man. With help of strong bridges they shall roam these islands.”
“And how long until one would fall off?” Replied Anu interfered. “This world you describe is a perilous one. Listen to the vision of your middle brother for they are grand.”
“I thank thee for thy kind words, my sister” Wyrmar replied. “I indeed have a vision, one of great potential. It is a world made out of this.” He held out a small blue ball of shining liquid. “I call this water,” He continued, “and it is a safer element than earth and rocks. For one can live inside it without falling.”
“These men have legs to stand not fins to swim!” Replied Balor with anger in his voice, “what sense would it make to let them live in a world like that?”
Just as Anu was about to speak, Gwawl interfered. “Do not fight my siblings, both of your visions are true. Let us work to combine these worlds of which you speak.”
But he spoke in vain, for Balor and Anu had only ears for themselves and so for an seemingly endless time they seemed to quarrel.

The only one who was silent was Blot, gazing into Cosmos’ infinity, hoping that his brethren would soon stop this foolishness. He believed that a calm mind was a great mind and thus searched for an answer himself.
It was at that point that he noticed something far away, it seemed like a small dark speck on the black background of space. He gazed at it for some time, trying to ignore the distracting quarreling behind him when suddenly he realized what it was.
“Fight no more my brethren!” He then exclaimed, “For I have found the answer to all our problems.” He paused, waiting to get all of their attention, “Follow me, and I shall show you.” Having this said, Blot made his way to the distant object. The other gods followed him, forgetting their quarrels, wondering what great solution he had come up with.

Once they reached the object, they gasped at its size. It was a huge, flat rock, with a size beyond your imagination. This was one of Cosmos’ old creations.
“This, my brethren, shall be the world of man. This plane can hold all of our visions and let them coexist in peace.”
“I hear you brother!” Said Balor with a cheerful voice, “This shall be the house of man!”
“Yes,” added Anu, “this will do perfectly.”
After agreeing that this was to be the new world of man, the gods descended to the plane and started to shape and form it according to their will.

Balor did not like the flatness of the land, therefore he raised it. Thus creating mountains and hills but also the valley’s, coves, cliffs, glens and gorges. Wymar, after adjusting his envisioned element, created water. This was a highly mobile element which spread all across the plane. The water soon flowed into every crack, crater, cavity, dimple, gap and gash that was created by Balors raising of the lands, thus creating the seas, rivers, lakes and ponds. The very ones that we can still see around us.
The gods where happy with this cooperation, for it had created a truly beautiful world.
But this new element had a great weakness, for unlike earth, being free in its movement, and much of it quickly flowed off the plane falling into the bottomless abyss beneath.
“We must save my creation!” exclaimed Wymar
“That we shall,” said Gwawl, “Balor my brother, help me raise a wall around this plane to hold the water in.”
Balor agreed and the two gods raised the lands around the edge of the plane, and so created a steep wall all around the plane. This wall was five men high and two arm lengths thick, created from one solid chunk of rock. After completing their task the gods set to return to their tasks of shaping the world. But unfortunately the wall did not hold, and it was Blot who first saw the cracks forming.
“Come my brothers,” he screamed in panic, “the wall is crumbling!”

Balor and Gwawl could not believe this to be so until they saw it themselves. At many points the wall had cracked, broken, shifted and collapsed.
“It is because the water bites the earth,” explained Wymar, “As long as it is moving, It has the power to erode the strongest wall!”, he paused, “Forgive me my brothers, for I did not foresee the water to have this skill ”
“What can we do then?” Asked Balor, “If no wall can hold it, then it is doomed to fall.”
“Yes,” added Anu, “We cannot save it, but we can replace it.”
“But constantly replacing it would prevent me from doing anything else!” Interrupted Wymar, “I must help with the creation of the world and not be a mere refiller.”
“Listen to me my brothers” Anu continued, “I know a way by which we can replace the water without constantly creating it ourselves. With your help I can make a guardian of the water, one that shall have the power to refill all that is lost. But I cannot do this alone, you must help me.”
After the other gods agreed Anu started forming and shaping this guardian. This was a formless entity which she put in the sky, far above the plane so that they could reach places otherwise unreachable for ground bound life.
“Now brother, you must grant it wisdom,” she said to Balor. “For it must know when and where to replenish the lost water.”
“It shall be done,” Balor said while granting the creature great wisdom.
“Now it must have the ability to create water at will,” said Anu, “Can you grant it that?” She asked Wymar.
“I can,” Replied Wymar, “but this power shall be limited, so that it can only replenish that which is lost.” Thus he gave it this power.
“We must turn one into many,” said Gwawl, “For one cannot be at all places at once.” He then used his might to tear the guardian into little pieces. “These pieces shall grow and spread,” he said, “and protect our water.”
The gods looked upon their creation and where content with its design.
The creatures, like Gwawl predicted, soon grew and spread across the skies, refilling that which was lost. But while being the first life on the plane and set with such an important task, these creatures grew in self-admiration, becoming proud and short tempered. If one dared to defy them, they were able to drown them in floods or curse them with draught. Our word for these beings is cloud.

After this was solved the Gods turned to another problem concerning the water, the eroding. For as it flowed throughout the world it cut deep into the earth, scarring the lands.
“This must be stopped!” Balor bellowed, “My work may not be undone.”
“Stay calm, my brother.” Said Anu, “This problem can be solved the same way as the last. I shall create a creature that shall guard the earth. A creature that shall somehow keep it from being cut into.”
“It must have long hands that hold on to the earth,” said Balor, while thinking outloud.
“Yes, and it must stay near the water at all times.” Added Wymar, “For only on the borders of water and land would this life be needed.”
“I have envisioned the solution,” said Anu and she started to form and mold the matter that would become this creature, gift to create the life that would guard this element.
She created the Flora, strong plants of various sizes with roots that would run deep into the ground. These roots would hold the earth and prevent any from disturbing it.
But unlike the clouds no wisdom was passed down to them, for Balor found that these guardians had to put their tasks before themselves, and as they were bound to their place they needed only an the urge to stay at this place. But even without this wisdom they posed a problem as they mindlessly grew and grew until they grew too long and lost their grip or snapped in two.
It was Wymar who gave them this instinct, he thought them how to drink his water and how to grow strong from it. With this becoming their primary instinct they all cluttered wherever there was water, drinking as much as their bodies could hold. The plants learned to grow only when given water for it was what gave them strength.

From the green grass to the mighty oak, they all wished to thank Anu and Wymar for their gifts and after long dispute they grew flowers and fruits, all in different shapes, sizes and hues. “Thank you my children,” said Anu, who was deeply touched by this gift that colored the lands in ways that she could never have imagined. So deeply that she loved them as a mother loves her child.

But unfortunately not all loved Anu’s children. “They are disgusting, revolting!” Exclaimed Blot to Gwawl, “A plague, spreading it’s filth all across my lands!”
“Your lands?” Asked Gwawl, trying to focus on his brother and the creation he was working on. “Are we not supposed to shape this plane for man and not ourselves?”
“Its shape?” Blot screeched, “If it were not for me, you would still be fighting about its shape.”
“I am sure that we woul..” Gwawl replied.
“No brother, you would not!” Blot interrupted, “We MUST free the plane from these creatures, it is our duty to man! Now tell me, what are you making?”
“It is my child,” said Gwawl, “a tribute to our father, granted many of his powers. it shall be omnipresent, taking the sky and all around us, I shall ask Balor to grant it strength then it shall be of great aid to the clouds in their travel.”
“Why him?” Asked Blot, “I can grant it the same gifts, no better ones! Let me see it, and I shall grant it great power.”
With slight hesitation Gwawl gave his creation to his brother. ”What shall you give it, my brother?”
“I shall grant it strength without arms, speed without legs and teeth without a mouth.” He replied, “It shall help your precious clouds and at the same time rid us off those plants, push and pull at them, bite and tear. Yes my brother, it shall be an powerful creature!”
“Mind now my brother,” said Gwawl, “watch out for the wrath of the others, for they will surely not accept this. Return it to me, and I shall present it to Balor to get his blessing.”
“NO!” Shouted Blot, “I shall not stand for his tyranny!” Having this said he released Gwawls creation onto the world, so having created the wind.
“Now I must leave you my brother, for I am the only one who did not let a creature onto my world.” Gwawl, irritated because his creation was released prematurely, wanted to reply. But his brother was already gone.
“I must cleanse my world from these loathsome creatures,” Blot said to himself, “The plane must return to its original bareness! I must make a creature to counter the plants, one that can use Gwawls wind to spread.”

Consumed by strong emotions of anger and hate Blot did not take the time to think long over his creation, but he did not know how to quickly solve this problem, roaming the lands trying to focus. With every step he set his anger grew.
“There MUST be an answer,” he muttered slowing his pace.
Blot then noticed the plants, already spread to this outskirt of our world.
“Is there no place safe for you anymore? If only you devoured each other like you devour Gwawls water.” He thought. And but seconds later that he came up with a plan that would put an end to Anu’s children. “Yes, YES” He uttered, “This is the answer I have been looking for!”
Immediately he went to work, complimenting his own genius.
Blot came down to where Anu’s children grew and tore the largest and strongest out of the ground. “Now my friend,” he said, “you shall serve me well!”
With a diabolical grin on his face he corrupted the lone plant, removing its roots and strengthening the only instinct it had, hunger. But not for water, no this plant hungered for his own kin, the flora
He also put into it his anger and hate for Anu’s children, making it glow red hot with these emotions.
“You my child shall be the tool that shall stop those dreadful plants.” he laughed, “For what better to destroy them, but by the hand of one of their own kin.”

While Blot was working on his plan the other gods had noticed Gwawls wind.
“I like it, it reminds me of our father” Said Balor.
“Yes,” added Anu, “it makes the world more dynamic. It is helping my children’s seeds to spread.”
“It also pushes the clouds to where they are needed most,” said Gwawl, joining in with the other gods. “But watch out, for it has a nasty temper and an even nastier bite. It is called wind and I do hope that you, my brother, approve of my creation.”
“You should have consulted us,” said Balor, “but no harm has been done. Therefore I give it my blessing.”
“I thank you, my brother.” Replied Gwawl, “But there is but one thing that you must know.” He paused, deciding which side to pick, “Our brother Blot,” he paused again, “is planning to create his element, thus he might not be present for a while.”
“I wonder what great creation my brother will come up with,” said Balor, more to himself than the others.
“So do I, my brother.” Sighted Gwawl.




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Heya Boss!

Well, this is an interesting piece. I really like where you've started this. It reminds me of 'The Gameworld Trilogy' by Samit Basu. Have you read it?
Okay, onto the review now. A few nitpicks first.

First thing I noticed. Do you intend to not capitalize 'God?' If that's what you want it o be, okay, but I would prefer it it were capitalized.
His first creations wherewere simple rocks,
Just a little homonym confusion.
For this task he created the five great gods, who would be ordered to create our world.

“But constantly replacing it would prevent me from doing anything else!” Interrupted Wymar, “I must help with the creation of the world and not be a mere refiller.”
Interrupted is not the right word to use here. Try looking for more options.
But not for water, no this plant hungered for his own kin, the flora
Here, you don't need to mention who/what plants' kins are.
I noticed your punctuation was a little off in some places. Like a missing comma or an apostrophe. Do read over your work and correct them. If you need tutorials, you can find some in the Knowledge Base Or you can PM me if you need some help.
On dialogue, you need to work a bit. Because, in my head, the five Gods don't sound very different except maybe Anu (Nice name, btw!) Try to work on dialogue based on a person's character. To make things er, interesting, maybe you don't have to use proper grammar while they converse. (Just a mere thought, anyway.)
Now, description, you need to work. I see you've tried, and that's a very good job. Try to 'show' us the scenes instead of 'telling' us what happens. There is a good Show vs. Tell tutorial in the Knowledge Base. Pf course, it takes practtice, so go ahead and experiment with words!
I love your ideas in this chapter and how you come up with explanations for everything on earth. It's delightful to read. :) However, my main critique is that, this chapter is a bit too long and sort of boring. Maybe you could reduce the info dumping, making it shorter, snappier? You could spice it up with some interesting description that would keep a reader hooked onto this. You could try modifying the dialogue, showing us maybe a few 'Godly' thoughts to make it much better

PM me if you'd like help on anything in particular. I'd be happy to help out.
This definitely has a lot of potential. Can you please PM me when another chapter is up? I'd love to see more.

Cheers,
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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Heya :)

I'm here to review as requested. You've already gotten a review from me before so I'm sure you know the drill. I'll start off with the nit-picks, then go to my overall opinion on the piece.

In this time, there was nothing. A vast, black abyss of endless proportion where everything fell, but it did not fall down, up, nor any other direction for even these did not exist.

You had quite a few commas missing in this part. I also felt that it was phrased kind of awkwardly. Maybe you could consider rephrasing it or something?

This black emptiness, however, was a great formless entity. This entity was everything and nothing at the same time, floating in the vast endlessness of itself.

Another group of grammatical errors. :wink:

It had the power to create anything from nothing, just like your mind can create anything, static or alive, and let it exist in your thoughts. We call this entity Cosmos.


His first creations where simple rocks, varying in size from grains of sand, to vast unimaginably large proportion.


After having that done, Cosmos felt need for a challenge and experimented with sentient creations that could move, feel and speak at their own free will. He first created living rocks.


Cosmos had created us; man. Cosmos was proud of these creatures and wanted to give them a suitable place to dwell.


For this task, he created the five great gods, whom would be ordered to create our world.

This isn't entirely necessary, but I think that it would look better if you capitalized the word God.

This way, Cosmos was sure that these gods would, when in unity, be able to solve all problems, for all had a different way of thinking.


The first to be created was Balor; he was given the gift of wisdom and possessed great physical strength. Next came his brother, Blot, equally wise but lacking the strength of his brother, something that he would later compensate with cunning and trickery. Wymar, the middle brother, had great compassion and love.

You seem to be having quite a lot of problems with comma usage. I'll go into more detail about that later on.

“Our father did not show us how this world must be.” Said Balor to the others, “Thus we must shape this world ourselves. We shall bind the rocks of Cosmos and make this the dwelling place of man. With help of strong bridges, they shall roam these islands.”


“These men have legs to stand, not fins to swim!” Replied Balor with anger in his voice, “what sense would it make to let them live in a world like that?”


Just as Anu was about to speak, Gwawl interfered. “Do not fight, my siblings, both of your visions are true. Let us work to combine these worlds of which you speak.”


But he spoke in vain, for Balor and Anu had only ears for themselves and so for an seemingly endless time, they seemed to quarrel.


It was at that point when he noticed something far away, it seemed like a small dark speck on the black background of space.


“Fight no more, my brethren!” He then exclaimed, “For I have found the answer to all of our problems.” He paused, waiting to get all of their attention,


“I hear you, brother!” Said Balor with a cheerful voice, “This shall be the house of man!”


Balor did not like the flatness of the land, therefore, he raised it.


“We must save my creation!” exclaimed Wymar.


“That, we shall,” said Gwawl, “Balor, my brother, help me raise a wall around this plane to hold the water in.”


Balor agreed and the two gods raised the lands around the edge of the plane, and so, created a steep wall all around the plane. This wall was five men high and two arm lengths thick, created from one solid chunk of rock. After completing their task, the gods set to return to their tasks of shaping the world. But unfortunately, the wall did not hold, and it was Blot who first saw the cracks forming.


“Come, my brothers,” he screamed in panic, “the wall is crumbling!”


At many points, the wall had cracked, broken, shifted and collapsed.


“It is because the water bites the earth,” explained Wymar, “As long as it is moving, it has the power to erode the strongest wall!”, he paused, “Forgive me, my brothers, for I did not foresee the water to have this skill ”


“Listen to me, my brothers” Anu continued, “I know a way by which we can replace the water without constantly creating it ourselves. With your help, I can make a guardian of the water, one that shall have the power to refill all that is lost. But I cannot do this alone, you must help me.”


After the other gods agreed, Anu started forming and shaping this guardian.


“Now, brother, you must grant it wisdom,” she said to Balor. “For it must know when and where to replenish the lost water.”


After this was solved, the Gods turned to another problem concerning the water; the eroding. For as it flowed throughout the world, it cut deep into the earth, scarring the lands.


These roots would hold the earth and prevent anything from disturbing it.


But unlike the clouds, no wisdom was passed down to them, for Balor found that these guardians had to put their tasks before themselves, and as they were bound to their place, they needed only an the urge to stay at this place. But even without this wisdom, they posed a problem as they mindlessly grew and grew until they grew too long and lost their grip or snapped in two.


It was Wymar who gave them this instinct, he thought them how to drink his water and how to grow strong from it. With this becoming their primary instinct, they all cluttered wherever there was water, drinking as much as their bodies could hold.


From the green grass to the mighty oak, they all wished to thank Anu and Wymar for their gifts and after long dispute, they grew flowers and fruits, all in different shapes, sizes and hues. “Thank you my children,” said Anu,


But unfortunately, not all loved Anu’s children. “They are disgusting, revolting!” Exclaimed Blot to Gwawl, “A plague, spreading it’s filth all across my lands!”


“No, brother, you would not!” Blot interrupted, “We MUST free the plane from these creatures, it is our duty to man! Now tell me, what are you making?”

Meh... I don't like words in full capitals. Italicizing it would be more effective.

“It is my child,” said Gwawl, “a tribute to our father, granted many of his powers. It shall be omnipresent, taking the sky and all around us, I shall ask Balor to grant it strength then it shall be of great aid to the clouds in their travel.”


With slight hesitation, Gwawl gave his creation to his brother. ”What shall you give it, my brother?”


“I shall grant it strength without arms, speed without legs and teeth without a mouth.” He replied, “It shall help your precious clouds, and at the same time, rid us off those plants, push and pull at them, bite and tear. Yes, my brother, it shall be an powerful creature!”


“Mind now, my brother,” said Gwawl, “watch out for the wrath of the others, for they will surely not accept this. Return it to me, and I shall present it to Balor to get his blessing.”


NO!” Shouted Blot, “I shall not stand for his tyranny!” Having this said, he released Gwawls creation onto the world, so having created the wind.

Another full capitalized word. :wink:

“Now I must leave you, my brother, for I am the only one who did not let a creature onto my world.” Gwawl, irritated because his creation was released prematurely, wanted to reply.


Consumed by strong emotions of anger and hate, Blot did not take the time to think long over his creation, but he did not know how to quickly solve this problem, roaming the lands trying to focus. With every step he set, his anger grew.


“There MUST be an answer,” he muttered, slowing his pace.

And again. :lol:

“Is there no place safe for you anymore? If only you devoured each other like you devour Gwawls water.” He thought. AndBut seconds later, that he came up with a plan that would put an end to Anu’s children. “Yes, YES” He uttered, “This is the answer I have been looking for!”


Blot came down to where Anu’s children grew and tore the largest and strongest out of the ground. “Now, my friend,” he said, “you shall serve me well!”


With a diabolical grin on his face, he corrupted the lone plant, removing its roots and strengthening the only instinct it had; hunger. But not for water, no this plant hungered for his own kin; the flora.


“You, my child, shall be the tool that shall stop those dreadful plants.” he laughed, “For what better way to destroy them, but by the hand of one of their own kin?


While Blot was working on his plan, the other gods had noticed Gwawls wind.


“You should have consulted us,” said Balor, “but no harm has been done. Therefore, I give it my blessing.”


“I wonder what great creation my brother will come up with?” said Balor, more to himself than the others.


Phew... that took a while. :lol: I think I covered all grammar errors though. I might have missed something, I'm not sure. I think that I got pretty much everything though.


Overall

Now that I've finally finished all of the nit-picks, I can move on to what I thought about this overall. I have to say, this was much better than the original version of this. Unlike the first version, you were showing us what was happening a bit better. You also did this in a more creative way, in my opinion. It did still feel as though you were telling though a lot of the time. When it comes to the story idea itself, I very much like it. It isn't the most original idea, but I adore the way that you put your own twist to it. I like how you described how everything was created, like the wind, clouds, sea e.t.c. They were all original ideas and also really creative. When it comes to your characters, I liked them. Your God's were interesting to read about and they all had their own personalities. A lot of writers tend to lack that; creating each one of their characters so that they behaved differently. My favourite was probably the part at the start, the part about Cosmos. One thing I did notice though was that they all spoke the same, I found that kind of off putting. :wink: As for your grammar... you had a rather lot of errors. That's okay though, I've corrected them for you. Thankfully though, your spelling was much better.

My main critique, you guessed it, is about your grammar. Don't get light hearted about it though, trust me, I've seen writers use worse grammar. The main problem I noticed with you was the fact that you didn't always put commas where they were needed. I have to be honest though, commas aren't the easiest things to deal with when it comes to writing. I myself have some problems with using commas correctly. I have a feeling though that you didn't really check this over before posting it. I think this because, sometimes, you used commas correctly in a certain situation, then didn't use any in similar situations. If this is true, you need to make sure that you do always check over your writing before posting it here on YWS. I can't really give you advice on how to use commas correctly, it's more of a practice makes perfect thing. The more you practice your grammar, the better you will get at using it correctly. What you could do though is maybe find a thread here on YWS that gives advice on comma usage? You might even be able to find a blog somewhere that helps you with it. If not, you could always Google it and try and find a good article on comma usage. :)

My other critique for this is the fact that, at times, this can get a bit boring, The main reason for this is because you actually have quite a large amount of information dumps and description dumps in here. Now, this can get rather annoying for many reasons. To begin with, with dumps of information and description, simply makes your story a lot more boring. If you have too many descriptions, your readers might get fed up and not bother reading on. If you say what you have to say quickly, but still in a creative way, your readers will be more than happy to read on. Another reason that information and description dumps aren't necessarily a good thing is because they simply look rather bad and pretty daunting. If your readers notice that there are big clumps, they will not be so tempted to read your story. :wink: If you ask me, the main reason that information and description dumps are bad is because it doesn't help with the flow of the story. With too many information dumps, the pace of a story can be slowed down, making it more boring to read. Plus, it actually makes the chapter quite a lot longer.

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Hey hey! Here I am then :) Let's see what changes you've made...

Since I missed the intro when I critiqued the other one, I'll give you a review of that here and some thoughts on who should be telling the story.

The Beginning

Tranur was a prosperous city on a major trade route is best known as the capital of a the human empire. [Well this is a bit of a muddle isn't it. Should be, 'Tranur was a prosperous city, on a major trade route, and also the capital of the human empire.'] It lay near the center of the world, encircled with high, thick, white stone walls. Standing on these walls one could see clearly for many miles for no tree nor rock obscured but even an inch of the view. It was this great view that was the cities city's greatest defense, for no army could approach undetected, nor could they seek shelter once within viewing range.
This great city was centuries old and books could be filled with the tales of its history. But this was not the way, because it want against the ancient traditions to write these stories down. They were to be passed down from generation to generation, each adding the tales of his or her lifetime.
And every twenty five years, twelve children would be chosen to be thought the history of the lands.
It was today that the first day of the chosen twelve had started, all at the age of twelve. For these children had much to learn and learning comes natural at young age.
The twelve children sat in a high roofed hall, around a central big fire that kept the building warm.
It was an uneasy time for them since they had been taken from their family without notice, probably not to see their loved ones in a long time to come.

At that moment an old man. [An old man what? This is a fragment when it should be a full sentence.] He was a wise looking man wearing a long brown robe. He has had close-set white eyes, this meaning that he was blind. His silky gray hair is was [Careful of these tense changes.] very long, almost touching the ground, his crooked body seemed to be fully supporting on supported by the wooden cane he was holding. [Maybe leaning on instead of holding?] The children immediately knew that this was a powerful wizard. [Why? It might seem a silly question but what exactly denotes his rank and seperates him from any other old man? The colour of his robes?]
“I bid you a fair welcome young apprentices” the man started, “I know that this all happened very suddenly, but you are the chosen ones, destined to learn and pass on our history to the next generation.” [Except you said this was an ancient tradition so surely they've known about it all their lives and it's only a surprise that they were chosen?] He paused and turned his attention to a sniffing boy with tear covered cheeks, short blond hair and green, watery eyes. “What’s the matter, young one?” He asked with true compassion in his voice.
“My mother was sick when I was taken from her,” the boy busted burst [No hesitation? If this man is a great wizard, should he not be at least a little afraid or hesitant? Or is he angry or... what emotions is he feeling?] out. “She will not survive without my care!”
The old man smiled. “Do not worry my friend. The family of the chosen ones falls under the protection of the city. They get a monthly compensation and free care if needed. [Wouldn't this already be known? It would be better if the children were prepared and proud to be chosen, if a little scared and sad. It would make more sense from all point of view and be more realistic that those in charge would prepare the next generation for ths possibility to make them eager to co-operate.] So you should not fear for your mother, for she shares your fortune.” He paused, “If you all take your studies seriously and I will see enough progress in the first month, I will arrange a meeting with all of your families.”
The children cheered, [Uh... no. They would perhaps smile or say thank you in timid voices but this is not a situation where you cheer. They're nervous, they're away from home and they're faced with a powerful, scary wizard who they don't know how to act around.] knowing that this was a rare proposition and that most of the chosen ones did not see their family for the first year. [Now they know about chosen ones? Try to be consistent! I like some of your ideas here but you need to think them through and ask yourself all the questions a reader would be asking.]

The man sat down at the fire. “Well young ones, let us start with the learning.” He signed the children to move closer. “I shall start at the beginning, or rather before the beginning, [Should be a full stop.] This is the tale that tells the creation of our world. ” The man started telling the tale, with the children listening to him with great care, knowing that they needed to remember it.


Hmmm. Would the children not already know this tale though? I'm a little uncertain about this as a beginning, a lot of it doesn't seem to fit. But I like the key ideas behind it. I'm intrigued by the chosen for what element and well, it could maybe work. Just spruce it up a bit and think about your society more.

The Main Body

This is looking much better actually now that I've compared the two. There's still a few basic grammar/ typing errors but a thorough proof read will fix that. I've picked out a couple of them for you but not all by any means. Most you'll find easily though.

“And how long until one would fall off?” Replied Anu interfered. [Replied/ interfered. Choose one, not both.] “This world you describe is a perilous one. Listen to the visions of your middle brother for they are grand.”
She hasn't heard them yet though, has she? So maybe 'they are sure to be grand' or something similar.

But he spoke in vain, for Balor and Anu had only ears for themselves and so for an a seemingly endless time they seemed to quarrel quarrelled.


“Is there no place safe for from you anymore? If only you devoured each other like you devour Gwawls water.” He thought. And but seconds later that he came up with a plan that would put an end to Anu’s children. “Yes, YES” He uttered, “This is the answer I have been looking for!”


“So do I, my brother.” Sighted sighed Gwawl.


Overall

Good, much better! The reasoning behind the clouds is firmer now and I do like their failed attempts, that gives them a nice touch of humanity. I like that they each set out to create a creature of their own, that's good. I'm wondering where the other animals will come in though, whose will they be? I think what I like best is their links to the elements and you're getting there with making their personalities distinct. They're more so than in the last version. Perhaps there could be a little more dialogue though and maybe you could have your speaker be reading from a book? It would be nice to know how this story is laid down and that would make the most sense. A book written by one of the Gods perhaps and therefore biased. Clearly not Blot as he's the 'villain' so maybe one of the others?

This is shaping up nicely, a little more work on that introduction next I think and then you'll be ready to move on :)

Heather xx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.



I feel like it will be absolute hotdog water, but oh well. It's just a draft.
— Charm