lineage, chapter one: discovery

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* WARNING* I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN ANYTHING MUCH LONGER THEN A SCHOOL PAPER. THIS IS INCREDIBLY ROUGH AND HAS NOT BEEN FULLY EDITED YET. BE KIND PLZZ LOL.






Alannah came in to his room as the early morning light was breaking through his window. He had been asleep for quite some time, and it was near mid morning. She spoke softly to him, "you must awaken Andreas. It is almost time for the festival, and you have much to do." Andreas groaned his reply both weak as well as exhausted, "why must I do all the work for the Beltane festival. Were the only ones who celebrate it any way." Alannah stared at her son and said, "We must honor the change in the seasons. You know why we celebrate it as much as I do. Stop complaining, and get up. We have much work to be done this day." He rose slowly; still weary from the dream world he had been roused from.
The celebration that day went on as it always did. The food was prepared, and the ritual concluded. However, one thing did happen that day that he would never forget. "Andreas!" yelled Rosaleen. "Yes grandmother," he replied. "I have a gift for you. It’s the symbol of the goddess Lethrana. She will protect you from all things. Keep it with you always," she said as she looped the necklace around his neck. Andreas thumbed the necklace and replied, "I will grandmother, I promise."
The moon was shining down upon their house; it was a night just like the rest. The calm of summer was in full swing and so was all life in this small village called Lethra just outside of Morilain the capital city of Athran. He lived with his mother and grandmother, both famous herbalists and suspected witches. As the night ended and the day began, Andreas went out to explore. Since they lived so far from the major city, fun was hard to come by. He had been wondering for a few miles when he came across a shadow fox, a demon summoned by the Renai dark worshipers of the goddess Kailan. He was not yet noticed by the shadow fox and so he decided to follow it. He followed the shadow fox for half a mile until he came across the Renai war camp. He huddled behind a cluster of trees and watched as the warriors, priests, and magi all prepared for an ensuing battle. Their weapons were not only sharp, but were dipped in a poison that paralyzes its victims. He noted all that he saw and as he turned to leave his gaze was met by a young Renai girl. She is young maybe the same age as Andreas. Before he can utter a word she says a spell, and he is instantly knocked unconscious.
When he awoke, he found himself in a cave being inspected by a Renai high priest. The priest notices his necklace and follows the chain to the medallion. Before the priest realized what it was, he is burned by the symbol of the moon goddess Lethrana. With anger in his voice he said “That symbol is not meant to be endowed with power, who is the witch that has done this for you?” said the priest. “What are you talking about? There are no witches in my town,” Replied Andreas. “We will find the one who has given you this power," said the priest, "and we will have her soul.” As the priest rose he cast a spell on Andreas, and he is knocked unconscious again.
When he awakens he is locked in a cage and the camp appears deserted. He tries to break free of the cage but fails, soon a Renai warrior appears, and drags him from the cage. The warrior raises a broad sword and attempts to cleave Andreas in half. Just before the warrior could finish the act Andreas raised his hands in defense and two beams of white light shot out of them striking the Renai warrior sending him flying against a rock wall killing him instantly. When he realizes what he has done he stands up, and looks around. Suddenly the smell of smoke comes to his nose and then the realization of where it is coming from. He runs toward his home as fast as he can, he runs until his legs are burning till his lungs are bursting from the exertion.
When he arrives at his destination he sees the scattered remnants of his home, a scream is uttered, and he runs toward the sound. He finds the source of the scream is his mother, who has been struck on the back by a Renai warrior’s broad sword. His grandmother was standing over her body, just as the warrior was about to attack her as well she utters words that are foreign to Andreas. She raises her hands and sends the warrior flying with a blinding beam of light as her weapon. Andreas looks on in shock at seeing his mother pass and his grandmother’s ability to slay a warrior. He walks slowly to them and speaks in a shaky voice, “What has happened, why have they come here of all places?” His grandmother looks at him and speaks with great sorrow, “They have come for you. They know something about you, something that was supposed to have been kept secret.” He looks at her angrily, “And what is it exactly that they know that I am not aware of.”
She looked at him with a stony gaze, “They know that you are the heir to the kingdom of Ilrand, it is a kingdom far to the south, and it is ruled by the most powerful witches in the world.” He stared at her in disbelief; however, he could not escape the reality that she had just laid before him. Andreas was about to speak when the sound of a growl erupted from behind them. They turned to see a Renai magus and his shadow fox. He had been there only a few moments, but it was enough time for him to hear of Andreas’ secret. “Rise,” she said, “we must defeat this foe together.” They rose, his fear was apparent, but soon he realized she was just as afraid as he. “Repeat exactly what I say,” she said. Together they started chanting, in a language only she seemed to understand. The magus soon realized what they were doing, and sent his shadow fox after both of them. They stretched out their hands, and released a powerful wave of energy striking the shadow fox. As it disintegrated the magus looked on shocked that his pet had been destroyed, with an angry slant to his brow he disappeared in a burst of smoke and fire.
Unsure of what had just occurred he looked to his grandmother, only to see she had slumped to the ground in exhaustion. He carried her to the barn that had been somewhat left intact. He laid her down on the half burned bales of hay. She talked with what strength she had left, “Inside the cellar, there is a chest. The chest has the symbol of our lineage on it, the pentagram. You must open it by tracing the pentagram with your blood. Bring the items inside with you on your way.” He left the barn and went in search of the chest. When he found it he did as his grandmother instructed. He retrieved a book, a crystal point, and an athame with the symbol of the goddess on it. He looked on in confusion and spoke to himself, ‘What are these strange things. I have seen them when mother would work with a patient.’ He placed them in his satchel, and headed back toward his grandmother.
When he returned he placed the items in front of her, so she could see them. They both waited there in silence, waiting for one of them to speak. “What must I do?” Andreas asked. “You must go to our ancestral home, and defeat the evil that resides there,” Said Rosaleen, “However, you cannot defeat her in your current state, to the north resides a temple devoted to the goddess Lethrana. Travel there, and train with the priestesses. They will teach you what you must know." He looked at her in disbelief, “You knew they would come didn’t you. And you did nothing to prevent it…….” She halted him before he could finish, “I did foresee this day, yes. However, I did not intend for any of this to happen. I could not stop all of what I had foreseen, that isn’t out right. We can only stop what we are meant to.” Tears streaming down his face he spoke, “Did you know she would die, did you know she would be killed saving you.” “No I did not," she said, "I knew they would come. Your mother doesn’t have the gift for magick beyond healing, she could not defend herself. She was inside when they came, I did not see her come out, nor did I see the arrival of the warrior. He attacked before I could defeat him, and before I knew she had left the house.” She was struck by another wave of pain, “You must go quickly to the north. Follow the river and do not stop. They will find you.” He nodded, and watched as life slowly crept from her body. He scattered their ashes to the wind and left for the north.
Last edited by caciquepadilla on Tue Jun 29, 2010 8:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Kindly edit this and press on the "story" button right next to special formatting so it can appear double spaced which is much easier to read
thanks




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Be kind? Not likely :twisted: I'm sorry, did I say that outloud? lol

Seriously, hey there, I'm Tanya, here for a review. Well, you've already been advised to separate your story into paragraphs. Great advice, because right now it's an eye sore. That being said, here I go!

Alannah came in to his room as the early morning light was breaking through his window. He had been asleep for quite some time, and it was near mid morning
I'm not sure here, but I think you have to change 'came' to 'went'. Because from the way I read it, it was from his point of view. Yet, no. Ex: (she came with me, but she went in without me. Got it?)

She spoke softly to him, "you must awaken Andreas. It is almost time for the festival, and you have much to do."
The 'Y' in 'you' should be capitalised and there should be a comma after 'awaken'. If you have trouble with punctuation, there are grammar helping tabs here on the site. In the meantime, just read it outloud. Right here it sounded as if she was telling him to wake Andreas, not that he WAS Andreas.

Andreas groaned his reply both weak as well as exhausted, "why must I do all the work for the Beltane festival. Were the only ones who celebrate it any way."
Again, 'W' should be capitalised at the beginning of the sentence. Also, you're going to have to work on your dialogue tags. Basically, everytime someone new speaks, you should make a new tag.
Ex: "It is time to wake up, Andreas," Alannah said
"I don't wanna go to school," Andreas whined.
YOu get what I mean? Because written like this is REALLY confusing. Are, 'were' here should be spelled 'we're' because you can say 'we are'.

The celebration that day went on as it always did. The food was prepared, and the ritual concluded. However, one thing did happen that day that he would never forget. "Andreas!" yelled Rosaleen. "Yes grandmother," he replied. "I have a gift for you. It’s the symbol of the goddess Lethrana. She will protect you from all things. Keep it with you always," she said as she looped the necklace around his neck. Andreas thumbed the necklace and replied, "I will grandmother, I promise."
Okay, whoa there friend! What is this? Back up a second. What in the world is a Beltane celebration? What is the ritual? What's the following celebration? I know it but who says the next reader will? You're not meant to lose your reader halfway through, you want them to follow you to the very last page!
This isn't the way to do it. First of all, talk about info dump. If the grand-mother (should be written, 'Yes, Grand-mother," is giving him a sacred the symbol it should be a lot more dignified and symbolic that just looping the sacred necklace around his neck. We need back story here! We need to know who these people are, where they come from, why they celebrate and do rituals! You say he thumbs the necklace, that's it? How does it feel? Hot? cold? Is he indifferent? What does it look like?

He lived with his mother and grandmother, both famous herbalists and suspected witches
they were suspected by whom? By the villagers or by himself?

He had been wondering for a few miles when he came across a shadow fox, a demon summoned by the Renai dark
wandering.

He had been wondering for a few miles when he came across a shadow fox, a demon summoned by the Renai dark worshipers of the goddess Kailan. He was not yet noticed by the shadow fox and so he decided to follow it. He followed the shadow fox for half a mile until he came across the Renai war camp.
Shadow Fox is way too repetitive here. What does it look like? A fox, I get that, but big or small?? Colour? Is it dark? Light? Pale? Multi-coloured?

He noted all that he saw and as he turned to leave his gaze was met by a young Renai girl. She is young maybe the same age as Andreas
You keep switching tenses from past to present. Keep an eye on that.

Okay, enough. This is where I stop. Sorry but I worked all night and this story is hell on my eyes. You really need to go over this and I highly suggest you go under the 'resources' tab and clock on 'knowledge base'. There are some basics you really need to get acquainted with, such as the five senses and many others.

The bases of your story seems catchy but you need some work. Please take this as constructive critism and once you've rewritten, it would be my pleasure to review once more.

Tanya :D




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Hello.

You were right that this was rough. Since it's best to start at the beginning, I am going to start from there.

Alannah came in to his room as the early morning light was breaking through his window.


The way I read this sentence, I thought Alannah was walking into the room that "he" owned. Because Alannah is the only name we have gotten, I assume that Alannah is a man (no mater how feminine the name is). Had you said "Alannah walked into Andreas' room" then it would have been clear. Right now, it is unclear.

Also, it's a really good idea to have your beginning grab your reader and not let them go for the rest of the story. Yours does not do this, and because of how confusing your first paragraph is, readers are likely to be turned away. I'd suggest you read this article on beginnings and polish this one accordingly.

She spoke softly to him, "you must awaken Andreas. It is almost time for the festival, and you have much to do."


On the grammar front, dialogue must start with a capital letter. It doesn't matter if the dialogue is being introduced with a comma, it starts with a capital letter. This is a general reminder. Look at the start of all your dialogue and make sure it all starts with a capital letter.

Dialogue also needs to have its own paragraph. I'll show you what I mean in a minute.

Now, for this as dialogue itself. It's stiff. I can't really picture somebody saying this. I'd look at all the dialogue in here and see how you can make it flow better, as none of it really flows well. This line makes it sounds like it's in a palace (formal tone means better education, and better education in fantasy almost always means a noble family. They are the only ones who could afford a good education), and when you tell us that this is a small village it's really off putting. This article goes into more detail about dialogue.

And I can touch setting on here a bit, as well as the way the festival is written out.

The festival first. If this is a small village, you're going to have to explain a few things. First, who your MC is in order to have multiple tasks and a lot to do during the festival. If he's high-ranking, I can understand it. If he's just the average person, I cannot. The average person during a festival doesn't have much to do but enjoy what other people have set up. A quick mention about your MC's rank will help this greatly.

And, now, for how the festival is written. Firstly, you have room for so much description in here. Yes, it's the festival as usual for your MC. But we know nothing about this festival. We don't know why they celebrate the change of season, what gods, if any, are being worshiped, what sort of food is prepared, what festivities are held, ect. A festival is the perfect way to show off your world's mythos (the whole scope of the world's setting, mythology, culture, all that good stuff) in an interesting fashion. Readers have never seen this stuff, at all, so we're going to be interested in what's going on. We want to know all this stuff. And you're not telling us anything in the world.

There's another reason to write out this festival, and that is to make sure the pace of your story is slow enough we can get an idea of what is going on. Right now, we have no idea what is going on. Situation and ideas change every few lines. There's no resting time to let readers absorb what's going on. And we need to absorb what's going on in order to have any connection to your character, or even to be able to keep track of your story. By my count, you have anywhere between four and ten scenes in the first three paragraphs alone. This article goes into more detail on the topic on pacing.

Now, I'm going to show you how dialogue should look.

What you currently have:

"Andreas!" yelled Rosaleen. "Yes grandmother," he replied. "I have a gift for you. It’s the symbol of the goddess Lethrana. She will protect you from all things. Keep it with you always," she said as she looped the necklace around his neck. Andreas thumbed the necklace and replied, "I will grandmother, I promise."


Here is what it should look like:

"Andreas!" yelled Rosaleen.

"Yes grandmother," he replied.

"I have a gift for you. It’s the symbol of the goddess Lethrana. She will protect you from all things. Keep it with you always," she said as she looped the necklace around his neck.

Andreas thumbed the necklace and replied, "I will grandmother, I promise."


Space between people talking is important. It is the universal way dialogue is formatted, and it makes the story much easier to read.

Now that I've spaced this out, I'm noticing you have an issue known as talking heads. Talking heads is when you have just dialogue and a handful of tags ("she said" is one example of a tag), and no description, emotion, or anything. Here is an article on talking heads for you to read.

There is also the issue that you haven't properly introduced this goddess yet, and she is going to play such an important role in the story. I've already told you that the worldbuilding needs work, and this is an example of why it does.

I'm also going to get on the topic of characters. Right now, I don't relate to any of them. None of them have any personalities, and we have no rhyme or reason for their actions. A good starting article for characters is this one. But the biggest problem is how quickly you're going, so fixing the pacing should help your character issues.

Basically, this needs work. A lot of it. I don't know what your setting is, who your characters are, what the place looks like (I didn't mention description in my review, because saying to slow the pace down and show us what the festival looked like should cover that you need more description) or anything else. I didn't feel anything when your character was knocked out because he went from waking up at the start of the day to being knocked out and examined in, literally, three paragraphs.

I know I linked a lot of articles, and I hope you read them. What I can gather about the concept somewhat intrigues me. I say "somewhat" because the concept is so barebones that I'm not sure what it's really about. But, the statement stands that this story has potential.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



I like to create sympathy for my characters, then set the monsters loose.
— Stephen King