Killer Mask [0.12]

Mona and I are sitting in the common room. She smiles weakly at me. I keep a straight face.

“Isabelle…” She murmurs, frowning.

“Look… Mona, it is okay. I can understand if something like that… happens…”

“Oh, okay. I’m happy that you understand,” She reply.

“My life was hell before I got here. Like, it was ridiculous!” She exclaims, rolling her eyes.

“Suicidal bad or…?”

“Not exactly,” She says, “Just… not great.”

“Sorry about all this… I’ll see you…” I spring from the bed and hurry out of the room.

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As I was walking back to my room, Miss Keats cornered me. She guided me to her office, saying I looked “distraught”.

I sighed heavily and rolled my eyes as I sat down. She creepily smiled at me as she settled into her leather chair.

“What?” I snapped.

“I heard from one of the girls on your floor that… she saw you and Mona… together in your room.” She doesn’t beat around the bush.

Someone saw Mona and I in my room… kissing. Damn.

“And well… I know that she is bisexual… so I understand if it happens again. I’d just like you to be aware.”

“Okay, fine. Can I go now?” I asked.

“Yes, of course,” She replied, sweetly.

I sighed and bolted from the room.

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Walking through my room door, I notice that Mona is lounging on my bed. I give her a quizzical look and she sits up.

“Um… hey,” I sit on the plastic chair in the corner of my room.

“I just wanted to see you…” She confesses, her voice shaking.

Mona looks gorgeous. She’s wearing a silky red dress, and her blond hair falls down her back in waves.

I inhale shallowly as she comes towards me. She presses her soft hand into mine and pecks me on the cheek.

Curiously, I lightly press my lips to hers. She tastes like strawberry lip gloss and her lips are soft.

I pull away. Her eyes sparkle. I give her a tiny smile and she cradles my face in her hands.

She forcefully presses her lips to mine. I inhale her strawberry scent as she pushes my lips open.

I pull away again and she blushes.

“Sorry…” She mumbles.

“It’s… okay. That was… nice…” I realize.

My heart squeezes around my windpipe. I think I like girls…

Great, I think. I have an eating disorder and I’m might be a lesbian.

Hi, RedRaven. I'm Freak.
So I like this whole story line...er, plot. It's so different and inexpressibly interesting.
That first part was a little confusing, I don't know if there was part before it or something, and the title doesn't help.

But on to Nitpicks:

Oh, okay. I’m happy that you understand,” She reply.

Is this past tense?
And here response seems a little quick; like she got over it as soon as her friend said it was OK. Usually that's not the case though...So make it a more realistic response.

My life was hell before I got here. Like, it was ridiculous!” She exclaims, rolling her eyes.

Past tense for, "Exclaims?" And who is talking here? Because in the sentence before "She" said something too, but which person is talking?

I spring from the bed and hurry out of the room.

Tenses again. I seriously don't know if it's past tense or what because in the other passages you're using past and here it's present.

*Good job, though. Keep writing. PM me for any help or questions, plus I'd really like to see where this is goin'.

~CreativeFreak,
'Cause I'm cool like that (not).

Thanks for the critique

Most of my story is in present tense.

I put that passage in past tense to show that it was something she DID not something she's DOING. It's sort of like a flashback.