It Means Nothing

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 370
Reviews 541
For Rosey Unicorns beginnings of magic contest. It was kind of inspired by a song (It Means Nothing by Sean Fournier). I'm not entirely happy with it, so feel free to shred it to pieces. :)

Joseph’s bare feet left red liquid footprints on the cool, debris covered cement. He knew the small pebbles and splinters of wood that scattered the long, dark corridor lodged themselves deeper in the shreds of skin and muscle that were once his feet with every step he took. He gripped a long metal pole in one hand; his wrist shackled to it by a heavy chain. The burden that chaffed the very skin from his arm was now his only means of support. Joseph had long since lost feeling in most of his body.

At the end of the cement corridor, a crowd roared.

Days of teaching ancient history flooded Joseph’s brain. He could imagine himself walking into a den of lions, hundreds of civilians prepared to watch him fight to his death. A bloody gladiatorial competition waiting for him to be destroyed.

The click of the end of the metal pole against cement faded away as Joseph closed in on the end of the corridor. Weak light streamed in the open archway at the end, and the crowd grew louder. For once, Joseph was thankful his hearing was damaged.

Joseph stepped from the cement to the parched, grey grass of an old football field. The crowded stands roared louder at the sight of him; if anything was left in the world to throw, it would all be directed at Joseph.

Ignoring the muted insults that echoed from the crowd, Joseph walked straight ahead to the stage that had been set in the center of the field. It was a rickety, makeshift thing that trembled under Joseph’s weight as he ascended the few steps attached to it. Old remnants of wood and sheets of metal had been stuck together for this; it was an important event in the eyes of the remaining public, the wasted use of the few remaining building materials proved that.

A tight-faced woman awaited him on the stage. Miss Mary Lane, hard-hitting reporter of the news, desperate to seek the truth for you. It was the phrase everyone associated with the woman who dominated the TV screen Monday, Wednesday, and Friday nights at ten and two. She was the one sent to attempt to destroy Joseph more than he already was.

“Mister Rayn,” she greeted. Joseph was impressed with her serenity, given the current state of things. Ms. Lane turned to the packed stadium and lifted the microphone to her lips, “Mister Joseph Rayn, ladies and gentlemen.”

Her voice boomed over the roaring crowd, but met Joseph’s ears as if she was speaking normally to him. He wondered how much wasted time had been spent on repairing the sound system in the crumbling stadium. Though he had expected where the priorities of the many had lay, it still shocked him that this was more important than repairing the desolate wasteland that had once been their world.

“Mister Rayn, Joseph,” Ms. Lane said, still speaking into the microphone. “You are aware of the ruined state of our world, correct?”

A short, squirrely man clipped a small microphone to the torn remnants of Joseph’s shirt and stuck a battery pack on his belt.

“Yes,” Joseph said. “I’m aware.” His voice was rough and his throat burned with each syllable that passed his cracked lips.

“And what caused this ruined state, Joseph?” Ms. Lane asked. The way she spoke, she talked down on him. Joseph was a whole head taller than her, with a thick metal pole even taller than him, but she spoke to him as if he was lower than the ground.

“What I believe was World War Three has caused this ruined state,” Joseph stated.

The crowd reacted strongly, erupting into an uproar of insults and violent movements. Ms. Lane raised a hand to calm them, waiting for them to settle before turning back to Joseph.

“No, Joseph,” Ms. Lane said. “It is you that has caused this; you and your band of rebels.”

The crowd cheered. Ms. Lane lifted her hand in the air.

Joseph scratched his scraggly chin with his unshackled hand. There had been no opportunity to shave, not for months. “I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that makes much sense.”

Ms. Lane raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow. Joseph loathed her for taking time to worry about her immaculate image. She was even clothed in a clean, un-torn pantsuit; her hair styled just right.

“How is that, Joseph?” she asked.

“It’s plain logic, Ms. Lane,” he said. “If my ‘band of rebels’ and I had started this war, then why would we have gone to such lengths to stop it?” He felt almost guilty with a vague claim of ownership to the group. He had hardly been a key member until the end, which is probably why he is one of the few that survived.

Ms. Lane walked away from Joseph, covering the length of the stage. “Maybe, Joseph, maybe it was regret? Fear of being destroyed? An attempt to cover up the atrocity you caused?” She spun to face him again. “Yes, a cover-up. That’s it, right Joseph? To save your sorry selves, you pretended to be heroes, saviors?”

“You’re an intelligent woman, Ms. Lane. You know that is a ridiculous assumption,” Joseph said.
The crowded stadium had quieted to a point where Joseph was only barely aware of any noise they caused. All were intent upon the words passing between the reporter and the broken man.

“Let’s hear an explanation, then,” she said. “Convince us to believe that you have not caused the utter destruction of the world as we knew it.”

Joseph turned his eyes to the crowd. Every person was focused on him, ready for him to stumble over an expected lie, ready for the firing squad waiting outside the stadium to end his treacherous life.

He took a step forward, to the edge of the stage, the metal pole gripped tightly in his numb hand. “We’ve seen the mountains, the very mountains, crumble into the sea. We’ve seen the stars fall from the sky,” he began. “We’ve seen men and women, mothers and fathers, sisters, brothers, daughters, sons fight for their lives, for a tomorrow that was never expected to come.”

Joseph loosened his grip on the metal pole, only to tighten his fingers around it again. “I’ve seen them wake up to the sun, and still not smile. Because of this war, because of what we have all done to this world, we have all seen things we were never meant to see. We have experienced things we were never meant to even know about.”

He took a few steps toward Ms. Lane and stopped again. He lifted a foot and examined its underside; stark white bone revealed itself between swollen flesh. Joseph grimaced and put his foot down. “We are all to blame, and we are all responsible.”

“Avoiding the question, I see, Joseph?” Ms. Lane asked.

Her voice booming over the sound system failed to excite the crowd.

“This ‘band of rebels’ you are so quick to blame is very well the only reason that you’re all not cowering in the dark somewhere. These ‘rebels’… You ought to be thankful that they’re the ones who died instead of you,” Joseph said. His knuckles burned as he strangled the pole with his hand; the first real feeling in his body for weeks.

“Yes, wielding a power far more terrible than anything our world has developed,” Ms. Lane said. “A power that would have killed us all, if they had not been stopped first.”

Joseph’s knuckles were on fire. “You can charge them with starting this war. You can blame them for the destruction. But you can never take credit for their deaths!” He clenched his teeth and kept his face lowered to the stage. “They died saving the world, not by your hands.”

Ms. Lane walked back to Joseph. “If that’s true, then why aren’t you dead with them?” she asked. “Why didn’t you die to save us, Joseph?”

Joseph didn’t respond, he didn’t even meet her eyes. His free hand clutched the tattered edge of his shirt.
“Why are you still here, Joseph?” Ms. Lane asked. She grabbed his chin and thrust his head up for the crowd to see his face. “Tell us the truth, Joseph! The world deserves to know!”

He pushed her away, knocking her in the face with the metal pole. It was an accident, the impact of metal to her perfectly designed face, but a pleasant one. She screamed as she fell backwards, her microphone fell from her hands and shattered on the stage.

The crowd roared at the stumble of its leader.

“I tell the truth!” Joseph shouted. His throat burned.

The crowd fell completely silent. They looked from one to another, each confused, insulted, even curious.

“If you had stood with them…” Joseph started. His voice cracked, his throat flamed. “If you had seen the sky…” His dried lips split along the corner of his mouth, releasing a thin stream of blood into his mouth and down his chin. “If you had heard…heard prayers whispered in the wind…heard cries for an end…” His gaze swept over the filled stadium, his eyes meeting with every person there. “Maybe then you would know… But you must believe me!”

Ms. Lane pushed herself up from the stage. A new microphone was placed in her hand. “How can you expect us to believe you, Joseph?” she asked. “How can you expect us to believe that you rebels wielded some abnormal magic? Admit it, admit where you obtained the weapons you used.”

“It was magic,” Joseph said. “No mere weapon could have ended that war. Everyone can see that, everyone saw the destruction. Everyone saw their loved ones killed, their homes destroyed, their world obliterated.”

“If it was magic,” Ms. Lane said, now approaching Joseph again. “Then why were you and your rebels the only ones who could use it? Why couldn’t the rest of us use this magic?” She chuckled, “Magic, what an absurd claim.”

“As cliché as it may seem, we were the only people to believed in it strongly enough,” he said. “It is absurd, as you said yourself Miss Lane. Just absurd enough to be the means to an end.”

Ms. Lane shook her head. “I can’t imagine you even believe yourself,” she said. “You’re talking like a crazy person. Or, like someone who has something to hide.”

“Something to hide?” Joseph asked, taking a step forward. The smooth bottom of his foot met with old, splintered wood. His lips were smooth and dry. There was a hint of something in his gaze. “If anyone has something to hide, I believe it is you and your government, Miss Lane.”

She narrowed her eyes, her thin lips set in a line. “It seems like a great coincidence that this magic suddenly decided to surface at the same time you and your rebels managed to gain an advantage in this war. Why discover the magic now?”
“This is far from the beginning of magic in our world,” Joseph said. “It has been here for centuries upon centuries of time. Some have suspected it, few have mastered it, and many have denied it.

“Its existence has meant nothing to the world, and will continue to mean nothing if we continue to deny it. Now is when this magic should be the most important, it should be valued. Without it, our broken world may never see healing. If we deny it, if we deny the sacrifice these ‘rebels’ have made for our lives, if we deny the opportunities it can give, well… It means nothing if we don’t accept it.”

The shackle around Joseph’s wrist shattered and he released the metal pole, letting it clatter on the makeshift stage. He rubbed his hand on his bare wrist, the skin pale and new. He unclipped the microphone from his shirt and let it fall with its battery pack to the stage.

Joseph descended the rickety steps and crossed the grey field, bright green patches of grass showed his path behind him. He could hear the complete silence perfectly.

It could be the dawning of a new era for the world. If the people chose to believe Joseph’s truth rather than the government’s lies, it could be the beginning of something new. It could be the beginning of healing. It could be the beginning of a better world. It could be the beginning of magic.

As Joseph stepped from the old football field into the cement corridor, the crowd cheered.
Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Non-binary
Points 1979
Reviews 1176
O hai, Twit here, completely exhausted but still reviewing past midnight. :mrgreen:


He knew the small pebbles and splinters of wood that scattered the long, dark corridor lodged themselves deeper in the shreds of skin and muscle that were once his feet with every step he took.


Apart from being very gross, this sounds weird and slightly inaccurate. I mean, he’s still walking on them, so they can’t be that bad?


She was the one sent to attempt to destroy Joseph more than he already was.


This is awkwardly phrased. I get what you’re saying – he’s already pretty destroyed, but you need to word it better.


He took a step forward, to the edge of the stage, the metal pole gripped tightly in his numb hand. “We’ve seen the mountains, the very mountains, crumble into the sea. We’ve seen the stars fall from the sky,” he began. “We’ve seen men and women, mothers and fathers, sisters, brothers, daughters, sons fight for their lives, for a tomorrow that was never expected to come.”


I’d use a different verb, just a simple “said”, because by using “began” it makes it seem as though he’s going to be immediately interrupted.


He took a few steps toward Ms. Lane and stopped again. He lifted a foot and examined its underside; stark white bone revealed itself between swollen flesh.


*blench* O_O Okay, maybe his feet are that bad...

~

Hai!

This was pretty cool. It would be a neat back-story for a novel, like a prologue for something bigger, but I think it works fine by itself as well. I didn’t get much of a feel for characters, but that’s probably because this was so short. The idea felt more important than the people, and that’s kind of a cool way to go about it; like mirroring the idea of something bigger than individuals. The things I pointed out were mainly style issues, but it would be neat if you did do more with the characters, although it is very short, and may be too short to do much.

Anywho, it was good, I liked it, keep writing!
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 14170
Reviews 571
Hey!

That first sentence, made me think of a staircase with really highsteps (was heaving and red-cheeked by the end): so many adjectives! Reader doesn't focus on the flow, story, whatever, just on coding that sentence. No! Second sentence, I don't know, IMO, but unnecessarily complicated... I had to stop and think, and figure it out. I'd basically cut this paragraph up; use less words; choice ones and vivid ones, but less (words, structure, complications).

Oooh, history teacher - fab when put next to his present situation. The theoreticals/practise.

"For once, Joseph was thankful his hearing was damaged." - how about somehow showing that crowd's roar (getting closer, always) through that damaged hearing? So basically clue the reader in on the situation through Joseph, how and what he sees/hears instead of telling the reader. So, more of J's perspective? See, this is a terribly fantastic chance, his hearing (and also that history teacher part). Like - "muted insults". That was nice.

if anything was left in the world to throw, it would all be directed at Joseph." - hey, if pressed, they'd find something, no? I get from reading onward that few material (?) things are left, but something would be? I mean, a typical example of an audience member wouldn't go "hmmm, I might use this later..." And at this stage that fact isn't entirely clear? Right, well, bottom line, that first setence.

Also, he seems - hmm, he knows what to do so well, he doesn't hesitate at all, he doesn't look at all those people, crowds (Reader knows they're there). Obv J knows, too, but his reaction to that isn't really recorded? I mean, I don't want anything big, no soul script or anything like that, but some sort of reaction which would flesh out, give more depth... He goes to that structure in the middle. He just does. In the meantime, Reader finds out about the surroundings, sure, but there's that empty spot for... something?

"A bloody gladiatorial competition waiting for him to be destroyed." - has been bugging me, consider rephrasing? that "waiting" and onward, it sounds a bit awkward.

Love the Miss Mary Lane intro. Really, really well done.

"She was the one sent to attempt to destroy Joseph more than he already was." - that destruction part - again, the sanme problem I had with a similar sentence before (maybe it's just me haha).

Joseph was impressed with her serenity, given the current state of things" - do show that serenity? 'cause, you know, you tell mne that it's there, but I'd have to take your word for it. The sentence itself I liked, though. Just show shwo show!

J's being "shocked" - self-righteous (and that was supposed to make him a more sympathetic character, yes? worked differently, at leats to me) and forced. I kinda more see the need to pass on info about the world's destruction than being sorry for him and being able agree/sympathise with his views. He could have said he liked fairies, and the reaction would be the same - a little sigh, move on, move on.

See, this is a sort of problem with this piece, that main character and his emotions/feelings/reactions. One one hand we have no emotions (has to feel something except pain, which also was dropped some time ago, right? uh, gladiator-ish, he is? to say the least) to his sudden thoughts about the world (of course something any Good and Sane person would think). At a moment like that, the one he's in, would someone really think of such things?

I wouldn't, but someone else might, sure. Depends on the type of person - and ha! I don't know what type of person he is! I know he was a ancient history teacher, coolio. Background, I don't need no more, but as a character, person, I need more of him in this story about him. ALter some of the descriptions to kinda reflect him more (crowd roars via the hearing, that was fantastic), show emotions of his (there's something later mentioning he's pretty washed out off feelings, tired - maybe emphasize that more?). One of my favoritite lines where this is:

'There had been no opportunity to shave, not for months.' Bottom line again, add a few more of such things (reading backward, it might come off as if I'd liek to see monstrous changes; no! just a few more sentences adding to dimensions, sprinkled here and there, perhaps a rephrasing over there). Just my opionion, something I'd liek to see more of and woudl appreciate to see more of when reading.

Good Joseph wins. Positibe bell peels at the end (I'd like to see his blood on the sand... :p)

Good Joseph - remember those scarce building materials, and his attitude/view? A bit along the lines of "And I want world peace" at a beauty contest, but that's maybe because of the lack of the little filling details I'm being a nutcase about. After he opened his mouth, was better.

The only little thing that bothered me with this ending is that the goverment (who clearly organized, orchestrated this) let it go on like this? They let him speak to the crowds? It's not to their benefit at all, why would they allow him to do this? Tos peak at all? Lane should have taken control of the situatioin, somehow.


Esme




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2847
Reviews 41
Why hello there :)

Firstly, 'Shred it to pieces' is just so harsh ;) I think most of us understand what its like to post those pieces that aren't the best, but beg to be put out there for their few moments of.. fame. I liked it.
I loved the rawness of the opening paragraphs, bare skin on bare ground, the coldness of the metal pole he's holding and the shackles around his feet. It keeps us aware of his suffering through out the piece.
Also, loved Miss. Lane! you nailed the hard hitting vocab and interrogation of a journalist.
The idea of magic is cool, and you brought out the... desperation?? or the desperation he once had for the people to know about it.
It sort of resembles a court house. Miss. May, an incriminating lawyer, the packed stadium, the jury.
One thing, it just became a little drawn out and confusing. Also, packed with adjectives, which is not always a bad thing, but for something like this, shorten your sentences and do the minimum.
See ya around :)
"Dad, I'm hungry."
Hello hungry!
"Dad! I'm serious."
I thought you were hungry?
"Are you kidding me?"
No. I'm dad.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4360
Reviews 14
Hello. So, I have read this twice through now, mulling over what would be some good advice. I really enjoyed this piece, so as much as I would like to help you by "tearing it to pieces," I really can't. I found your story to be interesting and unique and your writing clear, crisp, and powerful. You drew me, and kept me in your world the whole time. As I am entering Rosey's contest as well, I see I have some major competition. With that said, here is what I came up with in terms of areas of possible improvement.

Your MC seems to have a very unique POV. He was instrumental in his band of self-sacrificing rebels. I think it would help if that perspective came out more in his observations, particularly his reactions. I gather from this piece that this guy is resigned to fate, tired of dealing with these naive people. But we never really get more than that. What does your character think of this big ceremony, of the people who are watching it? Does he feel sorry for them in their naivety, or is he so far gone that he views human nature as inherently corrupt? Like a previous reviewer said, I would try and get the reader more into your MC's head, I think it would add another layer of interest.

The other thing I might work on is your MC's speech to the public. It's rather short, especially if it is suppose to move the public from absolutely despising him as their scapegoat to failing to get excited when he is cut down. People love scapegoats, they love someone to blame, and I don't think they would give up one that easy. I think if I quote it, It will be easier.

He took a step forward, to the edge of the stage, the metal pole gripped tightly in his numb hand. “We’ve seen the mountains, the very mountains, crumble into the sea. We’ve seen the stars fall from the sky,” he began. “We’ve seen men and women, mothers and fathers, sisters, brothers, daughters, sons fight for their lives, for a tomorrow that was never expected to come.”

Joseph loosened his grip on the metal pole, only to tighten his fingers around it again. “I’ve seen them wake up to the sun, and still not smile. Because of this war, because of what we have all done to this world, we have all seen things we were never meant to see. We have experienced things we were never meant to even know about.”

He took a few steps toward Ms. Lane and stopped again. He lifted a foot and examined its underside; stark white bone revealed itself between swollen flesh. Joseph grimaced and put his foot down. “We are all to blame, and we are all responsible.”

“Avoiding the question, I see, Joseph?” Ms. Lane asked.

Her voice booming over the sound system failed to excite the crowd.

I would make this longer, for then the sudden switch of opinion will become more believable. Here, your mostly talking in vague generalizations. If you can pull in specifics, like perhaps some of the things they were never meant to see or experience, it will make the desolation of the world more believable for your readers. It als might perhaps make your MC's ability to switch mass opinion more believable. Hey, maybe you could even have your MC point to individuals in the crowd and describe how they, personally, had contributed to the desolation of the world. When things are made personal, they are almost always more convincing. In between pieces of your character's speech, I would maybe also place small reaction snippets of the crowd, so we can see them slowly changing their opinion. Maybe a look of horror from Ms. Lane?

If you had stood with them…” Joseph started. His voice cracked, his throat flamed. “If you had seen the sky…” His dried lips split along the corner of his mouth, releasing a thin stream of blood into his mouth and down his chin. “If you had heard…heard prayers whispered in the wind…heard cries for an end…” His gaze swept over the filled stadium, his eyes meeting with every person there. “Maybe then you would know… But you must believe me!”

Here again, I would try to pull in more specifics. You have beautiful description here, but I think if you can attach it to something more concrete it will really add something. Like attaching the cries to an individual by name, or describing a specific incident.

So, now the last thing I can think of, which has to do with the ending. I love your last line, and your last paragraph. I wouldn't touch that. I also like what happens. I just think you need to make it more of an event. Create more build-up to the moment that his manacle shatters. Is your MC filled with an odd feeling? Can the crowd see the manacle shaking? What is the crowd's reaction when it shatters? Miss Lane's? What did the manacle sound like it when it broke? Did the microphone make a loud kerplunk that echoed over the loud speaker when he dropped it? If you show us the entire scene, I think it will add a lot of impact.

Well, that's it! I hope that made sense, if it doesnt feel free to PM me. Great job here. Good Luck!

-Turquoise




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 370
Reviews 541
Thanks for the reviews!

*locked* because I have a newer version up.
Got YWS?



You are strong enough to conquer this day and the rest of your life.
— Atticus