have you ever

Another repetitive one. Old habits die hard. Reviews are always appreciated though!

ashlyn

Have you ever ridden the ride of suffering
Taken the path of pain
Drunk the wine of despair?
Have you ever read the memories of yesterday
Tried to make sense of it all
Seeing the thread connecting you to it?
Have you ever been burnt by the sun
Scorned by the moon
Shunned by the stars you so long to be?
Have you ever written the future
Ignored the present
Changed the past?
Have you ever wished on an airplane
Laughed at a shooting star
Yelled at the heavens?
Have you ever grieved for what was lost
Feared for what was to come
Longed for what will never be?
Have you ever raced time
Tried to get ahead
Fallen farther behind each step you take?
Have you ever tasted a rainbow
Tasted at great fluffy cloud
Fainted at the sweetness of it all?
If you haven’t done any of these rituals of life
I do not envy you
For with them I prove that I have lived
And will keep on living through it all.

This is an interesting poem!

I think, though, that it lacks depth. What you've done here is scratch the surface of something meaningful, and I think perhaps you have left it at that. There is no uncommon imagery here, nothing that hasn't been written, and so it's up to you to take another step forward. Take a chance with this! Vary your structure, plunge more deeply into some of these metaphors, take us somewhere new.

It has definite potential, and I don't think it's poorly written. It just leaves me wanting a little more.

I actually really enjoyed this poem, but I do agree with you when you said it was repetative. You basically split your different ideas into three line segments, right? At the end, the pattern was starting to get a teensy bit boring. However, I really liked how you described the lines and stanzas.
Nitpicks now:

personalinsanity wrote:Have you ever tasted a rainbow
Tasted at great fluffy cloud
Fainted at the sweetness of it all?

In this segment you put Tasted twice. I think you should change one of them to a word like "Ate" or "Munched on" or even something like "chewed." There are tons of eating verbs. I also think that you meant to write a when you wrote at.
That's pretty much it for the nitpicks! I think you actually did a terrific job on this poem and I can't wait to read more of your work!
-Jane Thermopolis

Hello there
I liked this poem. But the repeating...not so much. Maybe you could have separated the poem into stanzas to try and make it work. You know, the 'have you evers'. But either way, it just makes everything a cliche.
But aside from that, this was good and pretty dramatic.
Keep writing

I thought this poem was quite interesting, and I must admit I was thinking of that song in Pocahontas. Maha. Anyways, I think the poem would be neater and easier to read if you split it into three line stanzas for each of the "Have you ever..." lines. I also agree with some of the previous reviewers who said you just scratched the top of something very deep.

Have you ever ridden the ride of suffering Ridden the ride sounds a bit repetitive, though it does form an alliteration.
Taken the path of pain
Drunk the wine of despair?
Have you ever read the memories of yesterday
Tried to make sense of it all
Seeing the thread connecting you to it?
Have you ever been burnt by the sun
Scorned by the moon
Shunned by the stars you so long to be?
Have you ever written the future
Ignored the present
Changed the past?
Have you ever wished on an airplane
Laughed at a shooting star
Yelled at the heavens?
Have you ever grieved for what was lost
Feared for what was to come
Longed for what will never be?
Have you ever raced time
Tried to get ahead
Fallen farther behind each step you take?
Have you ever tasted a rainbow SKITTLES!!! Okay, sorry, had to say it.
Tasted at great fluffy cloud You repeated tasted; perhaps change one?
Fainted at the sweetness of it all?
If you haven’t done any of these rituals of life
I do not envy you
For with them I prove that I have lived
And will keep on living through it all.

Overall, interesting poem with a lot of potential. I liked it.

Write on!