Missions United Chapter 1: Final Test

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Melea had finished her training in the forest and was ready for the final test.

"So, have you ready?" said the head master as he appeared suddenly in the forest.

"Yes, I'm ready," replied Melea who turned and face the head master.

"Alright, you can come out now!" shouted the head master as the some trees swayed and a masked guy popped out from nowhere.

"So, you're my opponent, huh?" said Melea while looking at the guy. He wore black all over like a ninja and was masked. His eyes was the only thing he shown.

The guy said nothing and remained at his position, he took out his sword and pointed straight to Melea.

"Alright, when I say go then the fight starts. Duration last for 1 hour, 1..2..3..go!" shouted the head master and he stepped back to one of the trees in the damp forest.

The guy charged towards Melea and Melea hadn't any time to prepare for her sword, she dodged the attacked and retreated further from the guy. Melea pulled out her sword from her belt and held it with her two hands. She was ready and the real fight starts.

"Ah.............!" shouted Melea as she charged towards the guy, trying to give him a slash on the shoulder. She missed it and ran overhead. She went straight towards the tree and was going to bump into the tree. Before she does that, someone pulled her collar and she flew into the air and dropped down hard onto the ground. It was the guy who saved her.

"Ouch...my back...Couldn't you a little bit gentle?" Melea asked while trying to pull herself up. The guy said nothing and the fight continues.

"He must be a mute..." thought Melea as she continue in her fighting position.

This time round, the guy stroke first and Melea used her sword and block his attack, Melea used up all her strength to block the sword which was in front of her but the power was too great that she couldn't hold on anymore. The guy looked at Melea's struggling expression and retreated on her own.

Melea was surprised that the guy stopped and prepared herself for another round. She had to think of a plan, the guy was too powerful for her. Melea don't have the strength and she need strategy, luck was important too, she thought. An idea struck her suddenly and held her swords once again, firmly.

The guy remained in his position and waited for Melea to attack. "This was the last chance, " Melea thought and she charged towards the guy again.

As their distance was getting nearer and the guy held more firmly to his sword, Melea jumped.

The guy was shocked and too slow to response, he got hit by Melea at the back and was thrown towards the ground. He rolled for a few rounds and finally stopped. The guy was prepared to stand up while Melea charged towards him and pointed the sword at his chin. It was just a few inches away before the guy was stabbed.

"Phew...it was close.." said Melea as she pulled away her sword and squeezed back into the hole of her belt. The fight had over.

The guy stood up and said nothing again. He wasn't impressed and neither he was disappointed, just emotionless.

"Hahaha...it was definitely a great fight. Melea, you had done exceptionally well, you..." the head master spoke out of the silence while clapping his hands.

Melea swallowed her throat as she focus on the head master's lips.

"Have passed the test..."

"Ah....!" shouted Melea as she jumped for joy and gave a hug to the head master. The guy who stood beside remained himself and waited for his next instruction. Melea who went overhead walked towards the guy and provide a handshake. The guy did not response. Melea waved her hands towards the guy but he did nothing, at all.

The head master nodded his head and the guy went off without response to Melea. Melea had used to his coolness and watched his back as the guy moved further and further. Melea couldn't control her curiosity and asked for his name.

Finally, the guy stopped and said something.

"Eugene." And off he went.
A good story is something that is readable and understandable regardless of the length




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Hey. This will be my longest review so far.. And I don't know what to say, but I've tried to correct some nit-picks:

"So, have you ready?" said the head master as he appeared suddenly in the forest.

I think you should say 'So, are you ready?' in stead.

"Yes, I'm ready," replied Melea who turned and face the head master.

I would have said '.. turned to face the head master'

"Alright, you can come out now!" shouted the head master as the some trees swayed and a masked guy popped out from nowhere.

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't say 'the some trees'. I would say 'some trees' or 'the trees'.

Before she does that, someone pulled her collar and she flew into the air and dropped down hard onto the ground.

I think it's supposed to be 'Before she did that, ...'

"Ouch...my back...Couldn't you a little bit gentle?" Melea asked while trying to pull herself up. The guy said nothing and the fight continues.

Maybe 'Couldn't you be a little bit gentle?' and 'the fight continued.'?

This time round, the guy stroke first and Melea used her sword and block his attack, Melea used up all her strength to block the sword which was in front of her, but the power was too great that she couldn't hold on anymore.

You should say '.. used her sword to block his attack.'

Melea was surprised that the guy stopped, and prepared herself for another round. She had to think of a plan, the guy was too powerful for her. Melea don't have the strength and she need strategy, luck was important too, she thought. An idea struck her suddenly and held her swords once again, firmly.

'Melea didn't have the strength and she needed a strategy. Luck was important too, she thought. An idea struck her suddenly and she held her sword once again, firmly.'

"This was the last chance, " Melea thought and she charged towards the guy again.

''This is the last chance,' Melea thought as she charged towards the guy again.'

As their distance was getting nearer, and the guy held more firmly to his sword, Melea jumped.

Maybe closer in stead of nearer?

The guy was shocked and too slow to response. He got hit by Melea at the back and was thrown towards the ground. He rolled for a few rounds and finally stopped.

'.. by Melea in the back..' Try 'He rolled a few rounds before he finally stopped.'

"Phew...it was close.." said Melea as she pulled away her sword and squeezed back into the hole of her belt. The fight had over.

'Phew... that was close..' 'and squeezed it back..' 'The fight was over.'

The guy stood up and said nothing again.

Drop the 'again'.

"Hahaha...it was definitely a great fight. Melea, you had done exceptionally well, you..." the head master spoke out of the silence while clapping his hands.

'Melea, you have done...'

"Ah....!" shouted Melea as she jumped for joy and gave a hug to the head master. The guy who stood beside remained himself and waited for his next instruction. Melea who went overhead walked towards the guy and provide a handshake. The guy did not response. Melea waved her hands towards the guy but he did nothing, at all.

Try this: "Ah....!" shouted Melea as she jumped up and down with joy before she gave the head master a hug. The guy who stood beside them remained himself, and waited for his next instruction. Melea who went overhead walked towards the guy to provide a handshake. The guy did not response. Melea waved her hands towards the guy, but he didn't do anything at all.

Melea had used to his coolness and watched his back as the guy moved further and further. Melea couldn't control her curiosity and asked for his name.

'Melea was used to..'

I liked this story, but I think you could have used a little bit more details. Remember, you have to show the reader what's going on. So, try to use more time to describe things. What does this head master look like? And Eugene? But I guess that'll come later. Well, I don't know what more to say but that I'm looking forward to read the next chapter. : )
May all your dreams come true.. (even the ones they laughed at).




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Hello there :)
I think bubblegum has pretty much outlined the spelling errors in the piece. Next time, try to proofread your submission.This really did not strike me as a first chapter, you really did not introduce much. There was very little detail as to what was going on. But your writing has a lot of potential, you just need to work on your storytelling skills. Get some suspense in there and give detailed descriptions of your characters.
Keep writing
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