feeling

Feeling
What’s happening to me?
What is this feeling raging inside my brain?
Worming its way into the daily stretch of the life I live
Or tries to anyway.
Each time it tries
I cut it off with a sharp word,
A shake of my head,
But each time it tries it chips away at the armor
At the walls built up
Weakening them,
Eroding them,
Making me weaker each time.
How long will my protection hold up?
Not too much longer, for I already feel the first tendrils of the assault,
The first wisps of fear,
And the first whisper of breaking down.
Am I going crazy?
Am I descending past the point of no return,
On a one way trip to hell?
My own personal hell, I fear, is not too far off.
I can see it rising on the distant horizon, darkening the landscape and all who view it.
It clouds my vision, fogs my thoughts, and weakens my already faltering heart.
I look for a way out, a way to turn away from it as it assaults me
Again and again and again.
I curl up, try to raise walls around my mind
Not enough strength left in the reserve I have built up.
Yelling,
Screaming,
Begging for mercy from any who may hear.
No one is around to hear my cries, to relieve my pain
So I deal alone, as it has always been,
As it always will be
Until I reach the edge and finally
Fall
Off.


As always, reviews are appreciated. (especially about punctuation, which Im still trying to get down).

ashlyn

Hey,
Okay i will highlight in red and give comments in black.

personalinsanity wrote:Feeling
What’s happening to me?
What is this feeling raging inside my brain?
Worming its way into the daily stretch of the life I live
Or tries to anyway.
Each time it tries
I cut it off with a sharp word,
A shake of my head,
But each time it tries it chips away at the armor I would put a comma between tries and it personally.
At the walls built up
Weakening them,
Eroding them,
Making me weaker each time.
How long will my protection hold up?
Not too much longer, for I already feel the first tendrils of the assault, This is the pick me up of the poem, as it starts to get weak and slow towards this part, in my opinion.
The first wisps of fear,
And the first whisper of breaking down.
Am I going crazy?
Am I descending past the point of no return, I would put a ? there.
On a one way trip to hell?
My own personal hell, I fear, is not too far off.
I can see it rising on the distant horizon, darkening the landscape and all who view it.
It clouds my vision, fogs my thoughts, and weakens my already faltering heart. Personally i don't think the word works there.
I look for a way out, a way to turn away from it as it assaults me
Again and again and again.
I curl up, try to raise walls around my mind
Not enough strength left in the reserve I have built up.
Yelling,
Screaming, I love the use of structure here.
Begging for mercy from any who may hear.
No one is around to hear my cries, to relieve my pain
So I deal alone, as it has always been,
As it always will be
Until I reach the edge and finally
Fall
Off. Again loving the use of structure

Okay. I really like this poem.

At the start of each line there is a capital letter which there doesn't need to be as a lot of the lines end in commas.

I think this would work better in stanza, as then it would get a better pace. The actual words feel like a fast pace poem, but the actual flow and pace at the moment don't reflect that.

As it stands I would give the poem 6/10, but with a few adjustments I think it could go up to 10/10.

Of course this is all just my opinion, but that is what I think you should do.

PM if you want me to explain anything or whatever.

~Retro Disco666

Retro was pretty thorough with the punctuation, so I won't be commenting upon it. Instead, I'll be focusing more on the content.

The thing that really struck me about this poem was how generic it was. All the words were general, abstract concepts that really don't describe things. In short, this poem was extremely vague and lacked concrete imagery. Words like "feeling" are so non-specific, your readers don't know what to make of it. Instead, try describing exactly what it feels like? At the same time, though, you need to avoid using common turns of phrase (like "there was an icy pit in my stomach") or vague descriptors (like "cold" or "soft" or most generic color names). Basically, you need to be more specific.

Right now, because this poem lacks concrete imagery, there's nothing for your readers to latch onto, nor is there anything to really hook your reader and make them remember this poem. Imagery allows your readers to easily make connections to your poem, and incorporating creative, concrete imagery is one of the best ways to make your poem memorable.