The Forsaken Rose [Chapter 1]

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:Jeanette: Chapter 1

“Protecting is in my blood, it was only a reaction, he deserved it anyways.” I tried to console my guilt stricken mind, I’d gotten into yet another fight, Jacob’s not going to like this. I couldn’t help it though, they would have killed the boy! He was only a child, it just wasn’t right.

I slipped through the front door as quietly as possible, then proceeded to tip-toe up to my room. “Hold it!” I cringed, I’d been spotted. “Turn around Ash.” My brother, Jacob, said, his voice holding suspicion. I turned as slowly as humanly possible.

“I can explain!” I pleaded as soon as he got a good look at me; white shirt, dyed red, brown pants, had splotches of dark coloring splattered every once in a while.

“What in the world did you do this time!?” He yelled, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

“I couldn’t just let the boy die Jay! He was just a child!” I yelled back then stomped up the stairs to my room. Jacob had never understood that protecting people was in my blood. I couldn’t help it, it just happened.

I’d been walking home from the market, a basket of tomatoes, sugar, salt, and flour were cradled in my arms. I was about a mile from home when I heard a screech slice through the air. After that I was running, the basket that carried our dinner long forgotten in the street, just waiting for stray dogs to come and lap it up.

I’d found a small boy, maybe 7 or 8, cowering beneath the glares of two burly men. “Come on kid, we ain’t got all day,” They said, cracking their knuckles. They probably only wanted some pocket change, but harassing children was going below the belt.

“Oi,” I said, my voice lowering an octave, it always did that when I was angry.

“And what do you want girly?” One of them snickered

“Leave the kid alone.” I stated, glowering.

They laughed in my face, then gave the boy a shove onto the ground.

“What’cha gonna do ‘bout it; huh, pipsqueak?” They laughed again

“I warned you,” I thought then I reached my hand out and watched vines spring up from the earth, binding the two men, swerving straight past the little boy. The men screeched as they were squeezed till their insides blew up, literally.

After the vines receded back into the earth I walked over to the boy, shivering and watching me with eyes of pure terror. “I won’t hurt you,” I said, softening my voice and bending down to his height.

His eyes still showed terror so I smiled, “Really, I won’t. I just didn’t want them hurting you.” I said, tilting my head to the left a bit and still smiling wide. The boy smiled a bit and nodded, apparently I’d gained his trust; odd, usually people have fled and blabbed lies to everyone that Astrael was a witch. “Are….you okay?” I asked, a little awkward, I’d never gotten this far in ‘saving someone’.

“Yes,” The boy whispered hoarsely, I couldn’t blame him, that scream he did earlier was as loud as heck.

“Well then come on, I’ll take you home,” I said, holding out my hand as I stood up. The boy hesitated, but took my hand non-the-less.

We walked for about 10 minutes to his house, during the which I learned that his name was Obi, he was 8 and a half, he had 3 older brothers, both parents, and they lived on a small farm.

“We’re a big family for regular folks round here, but we get by just fine.” He said, swinging our inter-locked arms back and forth and stepping in the puddles left from yesterday’s rain. “What about your family?” He asked

“Um, It’s just me and my brother. I never knew my parents, and until 2 years ago we’d been living with my grandmother, Rosa.” I said, my thoughts skimming over what Jacob might make of this.

“That must be hard,” he said, “With just you and your brother, why, if it was just me and my brothers, I think we’d end up killing each other. Ma’s the only one who keeps us at peace.” He said, smiling, I’m guessing, at the image his mind conjured up of his mother. I laughed as we turned the corner onto Obi’s farm.

The house itself was actually rather large, but I guess with 6 people you need a bigger house than the usual 2 or 3 bedrooms most people have. “Do you each have your own room?” I asked.

“Nu-uh, well, me and Tobi, he’s my twin brother, born 2 minutes before me. Well, me and Tobi share a room, then Ma and Pa share a room ‘course, then Jeremiah and Conner share a room, they’re the oldest.” Obi said, kicking a rock with his foot across the worn path to the front of the house.

“It looks like it has more room than that though…” I said

“Yeah, we have 3 bedrooms, a den, a kitchen, and an attic, we also have a room that stores stuff.” He said, it was probably the attic and the ‘room that stores stuff’ that made it look so big.

As we approached the front door I heard stamping of feet, lots of voices, and one rising above the rest, “Where in the world is Obi!” It was a males voice, probably the father, I would have thought that he was angry except for the worry that was laced into every syllable.

“They must miss you,” I said, smiling down at him.

“They’d better, they are my family after all.” He said, laughing.

We walked up the front porch steps and I knocked on the door. All the noise vanished immediately. Hurried footsteps got louder as someone approached the door.

“Obi!!” The next thing I knew Obi’s hand was ripped from mine and I was stumbling against the door frame.

“Ma!” Obi said, blushing at the kisses he was receiving from an over-worried mother. He finally managed to successfully escape from his mothers grasp after basically clawing his way through her arms. I laughed as I saw his disgruntled face and disheveled hair.

“Well, I’ll see you around Obi,” I said, still chuckling as I hopped off the porch.

“Wait, you’re leaving Ash?” Obi had taken to calling me the nickname Jacob called me.

“Of course, You probably want to eat dinner, don’t you?” I said, waving.



“Oh, who’s this Obi?” His mother said, looking at me for the first time.

“Ma, this is Ash, she saved me!” Obi yelled happily, running down the porch steps and grabbing my hand to pull me back up, it was then that I noticed that the whole family was crowded around the door, peeking out. Every single boy looked exactly like their father. Brownish red hair, spiking up in odd directions, with either brown or blue eyes. The only difference was their height, otherwise they were all twins. Obi’s mother had a light brown hair color, which Obi seemed to inherit, since he was the only child who had more brown than red in his hair.

"She saved you, did she?" Her eyes were unbelieving, but she smiled for Obi's sake.

"Yeah! These men were hurting me, and she jumped in and...and..."Obi stopped, unsure of how to describe me murdering the men with his innocent mind.

Obi's mother glanced hard at me, seeming to be scanning for any traits that might hurt her son, then smiled. "Well, why don't you come in and eat with us dear? We can always feed someone who saved a son of mine."

I smiled, but declined, saying that I had to be home soon, which was true. After a round of thanks I headed home, wondering of what a world of trouble I'd have at home.




Jacob just doesn't get it. I thought, and I knew I was right. Jacob, my own brother, had ignored me for most of my life once he found out what I was....and what I could do. When Rosa gave me the small necklace with the tiny rose bud, she'd explained to me that the Moonlight Goddess had chosen me because I still believed in her, but she also said that when I was born I had special gifts, gifts that she had secretly nourished and trained until I could control them.
Last edited by Jeanette on Sun Jun 27, 2010 11:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
If you held the world in your hands,
What would you change first?
Would you change the format, change the plans?
Or leave it be in the universe?
:Jeanette:




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Well, where do I start?
I believe the character known as "Dave" was brilliant.
I have to admit, I didn't agree with Benedict at the start, but Benedict, in my opinion is like a new pair of underwear: At fist it's constrictive, but after a while it becomes a part of you.
Hope this was helpful, Colin.




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Hi Jeanette! Sporks here to review.

So, grammar. I couldn't find anything majorly incorrect, and if there is anything, I'm very sure a round of proofreading will fix it. :D As a general rule though, when quoting a characters direct thoughts, the thoughts should be in italics.

As for the storyline, I really like this. I really want to know where this is going, and Obi is positively adorable. The only thing I have to add is the last part that starts with, "Jacob..." it seems kind of awkward, and remember, you don't have to explain much initially. Keeping readers wondering isn't always a bad thing. I'd suggest tweaking that paragraph.

Other than those minor things, this work is really great! :D
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You know, this kind of disturbs me. I mean, it so far sounds like an interesting story, but there are some elements that really do disturb me. We'll get to that during the critique, though. Anyway, it still sounds like a grand adventure, but now it's kind of disturbing. But, don't worry, there's only thing that makes this disturbing and one line especially.

Yeah, onto the critique. For starters, you might want to look at all of the commas in this chapter and maybe see if some of them could be changed to either semicolons or periods. There seems to be a lot of commas, though, and some run on sentences because of them.

Like this first line:
“Protecting is in my blood, it was only a reaction, he deserved it anyways.”
Each of these clauses are really statements and would flow better as separate sentences. Or, you could make the first clause into a sentence and add an 'and' to combine the next two clauses.

But, all of the commas instead of semicolons or periods make the writing seem stilted and there's enough of them that I honestly don't want to go through every single one of them. There are plenty of articles on this site that deal with punctuation, such as Rosey Unicorn's article Punctuation Marks.

Semicolons would really work well here:
white shirt, dyed red; brown pants, had splotches of dark coloring splattered every once in a while.
Without the semicolon, this just looks like a jumbled list of things, but with the semicolon, the style becomes clearer. The 'had' doesn't really fit the style, though.

“Come on kid, we ain’t got all day,” they said, cracking their knuckles.
For starters, since you used a comma to end the dialogue, the 'they' shouldn't be capitalized, but I thing that you might want to identify a speaker for that sentence. That is, unless the two men happen to speak in unison.

“Oi,” I said, my voice lowering an octave like it always did that when I was angry.
To kill some commas, you could do that. It works like that and might flow better.

The men screeched, to my amusement, as they were squeezed till their insides blew up, literally.
This has me disturbed. Seriously disturbed for your character. This is just, disturbing on all levels to me. It's just not what I had expected for everything that came before this. Your character was amused at the fact that she just killed two men who were bullying a kid for pocket change? The Moonlight Goddess called the girl to be merciful and bring compassion to the world; that really doesn't compute with happily killing people...

I think it was the 'to my amusement' that really had me stepping back from the story. I mean, I could totally understand the girl getting into fights, especially to protect a child, but I really didn't expect her to be amused at killing. Now that I look back at it, I do have a few issues about her murdering the men in the first place - why is the kid out on his own if something like that is apparently common in this world? But, did she have to kill them and with such delight? It might help to at least have some details to explain this...

The boy hesitated, but took my hand none-the-less.
Back to the nitpicking.

I think the whole description and awe over the large house is a bit out of place, considering that this chapter seems to center around the fact that she killed someone. I mean, the dialogue is fine, but her remarks on the house just seem a bit out of place.

“Of course, You probably want to eat dinner, don’t you?” I said, waving.



“Oh, who’s this Obi?” His mother said, looking at me for the first time.
Random gap there.

After a round of thanks I headed home, wondering of what a world of trouble I'd have at home.




Jacob just doesn't get it,
Another random gap. Also, I think that you should have a comma there and something else to signify that this is her thoughts.

When Rosa gave me the small necklace with the tiny rose bud, she'd explained to me that the Moonlight Goddess had chosen me because I still believed in her, but she also said that when I was born I had special gifts, gifts that she had secretly nourished and trained until I could control them.
This part not only feels a bit tell-y, but it also doesn't really make sense when you think about it. Unless Ash had these gifts when she was like two through three and then they were locked away or something, Ash would remember the gifts when she was eight years old. Also, the fact that you don't tell us what gifts Ash has makes this while part of the paragraph feel a little out of the blue.

All in all, I am still disturbed. I don't really know what to think at this point, except that maybe Jacob has a point in not liking it. It still is a sound piece of writing, but her actions just seem to turn me away. Especially since it doesn't feel like this is the first time she's killed someone. And, while she seems to feel a bit guilty as she comes home, she doesn't really reflect that after initially killing them. I just keep coming up to disturbed, or maybe she's a sociopath...

PM me if you have any questions, or even if you feel like explaining the whole 'amused killing' bit. Because, I would like to know. :D

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Some people fall in love and find Quicksand.

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Hey, wariofart here for a review. I'll give my honest feedback on both plot and grammar, but keep in mind I'm not a master (or even very good) at either. Here are my thoughts:

Jeanette wrote:“Protecting is in my blood, it was only a reaction, he deserved it anyways.” I tried to console my guilt stricken mind, I’d gotten into yet another fight, Jacob’s not going to like this.
Both sentences seem to be run-ons. However, this does make the tone seem panicky, so it's probably fine.

“Hold it!” I cringed, I’d been spotted.
Another run on.


Jeanette wrote: My brother, Jacob, said, his voice holding suspicion.
Get rid of the "," between brother and Jacob.


Jeanette wrote: “I can explain!” I pleaded as soon as he got a good look at me; white shirt, dyed red, brown pants, had splotches of dark coloring splattered every once in a while.

Okay, these run on sentences are starting to become a problem. Try instead, something like "I saw him look over my clothes, noticing the splotches of dark coloring all over me. "Wait, I can explain!" I pleaded."
Also, try reading your sentences out loud and see if they sound smooth.

Jeanette wrote: I’d been walking home from the market, a basket of tomatoes, sugar, salt, and flour were cradled in my arms....

Think about writing this part as a flashback in the present tense. It will help create more emotion, which this part could really use.

Jeanette wrote: “And what do you want girly?” One of them snickered

“What’cha gonna do ‘bout it; huh, pipsqueak?” They laughed again

Periods!!! Add periods!!!

Jeanette wrote:The men screeched as they were squeezed till their insides blew up, literally.

Now that was unexpected. And also kinda funny. You could try adding more suspense before she earth-bends to make this more of a twist. Right now, it just seems silly. Or, just keep this part humorous.

Jeanette wrote:It was a males voice, probably the father, I would have thought that he was angry except for the worry that was laced into every syllable.

I like the imagery here, but you have to split this up into two sentences.

Jeanette wrote:“Wait, you’re leaving Ash?” Obi had taken to calling me the nickname Jacob called me.

This sentence makes it seem like they are good friends and have met before. But before you implied she had never seen him before.

Jeanette wrote:When Rosa gave me the small necklace with the tiny rose bud, she'd explained to me that the Moonlight Goddess had chosen me because I still believed in her, but she also said that when I was born I had special gifts, gifts that she had secretly nourished and trained until I could control them.

Tell us who Rosa is again, since I completely forgot. Otherwise, nice ending, makes me want to read more.

OVERALL:
You need to work a lot on run-on sentences, they just kill the flow of your story, over and over again, it's really bad.Kind of like this :smt003 .
I liked the plot, but you could describe the girls power in more detail. Right now, I can't tell if this story is supposed to be humorous of serious. The main character seems really unstable, which makes it funny in a creepy way. Otherwise, nice first chapter, it really makes me want to read more!
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That my love keeps writing again and again
And again"



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