The Tapestry Snake

Haven't been on YWS for a while, so I thought I might as well post something to get back into this writing-stuff. Leave a comment and I'll return the favor!
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Writhing in your self-induced slumber,
Unaware of truths left there
To slither from your serpent tongue.
Like a worm inside an apple
Left to form a gaping hole
For another unaware that they must bear
The poison you ensue.
And finally the truth reigns free,
A harsh and bitter taste of awakening,
A coil of lies unraveled to reveal
The final strike, the venomous bite
The prey so settled by your diamond eyes
Your pattern woven of tapestry fine
Now spinning unraveled,
Tearing apart the image that was there.
For you are a serpent, a worm,
An image of lies that cannot be mended
Or in any case defended by the nature of this world.
You’ve chosen to prey upon the weak,
A predator of well-intended child, man and girl,
Of sinuous speech rolled from your serpent tongue,
Praying on the young, the naïve.
Serpent made of tapestry, nothing more than colors -
Pretty colors that you use to lure and mesmerize,
Hypnotize with beautiful lies.

Hallo! :} I'm Aushy, and I shall be reviewing your work today.

Okay, first I have to say is, wow! Not only because I like your story, but because I've been reviewing all day, and you are one of the first who has perfect grammar which, in reality, is an accomplishment in itself!

Next, I just want to say that this is completely amazing! I really loved it. Everything flowed smoothly, and sounded fantastic. There were, unfortunately, one or two moments were I had to stop and consider what you were trying to say, but for the most part, any questions I had were answered in the next line or so.

Great job!

PM me, leave a message on my wall, or come to my tropical shack of reviews if you ever need a review again! You'll already be featured there, because of this review. :}

Fantastic, and keep writing!

Love & Blessings,
Aushy

*clicks like, follow, and submit*

Hey! So, this was a really nice piece. You really did a great job, and no nitpicks really jumped out at me. I did have a small problem with your rhyme scheme, though. It seemed to start and stop, and it was very subtle. I would read some, then realize that some things rhymed, and look back to see that nothing rhymed for several lines. I'd keep it consistent.

Overall, lovely job. Your imagery was nice, and the underlying story was great too. Keep doing what you're doing!

-Dreamy

For another unaware that they must bear

At first that felt a bit wordy, and in all honesty it is. The thing that saved it was the brilliance of the following line:

the poison you ensue

That is an example of an undeniable talent for fluency and pace. You've kept it controlled and those two lines combined are my favourite bit of the poem. There's also a very good use of word choice and imagery.

As the content is really quite well written, the only thing I can nit-pick with it is the references to "lies" and "truth". I don't see how it fits into the context, I mean it does create a nice bit of imagery mixed in with your good word choice, but it doesn't fit for me. I don't feel as comfortable reading it as I do with the other bits that mysteriously the describe the snakes movements and the "Final Strike" is brilliant in terms of the drama effect of the piece.

In my personal opinion I think you should've ended with this line:

Praying on the young, the naïve.

It has the impact for a good ending. The problem I have with the three lines you put after it is that there isn't the same pace with them. They're a bit too wordy, too much going on and it makes the end feel too messy. The best ending in dramatic poetry is a simplistic ending and here, it's just too complex.

Anyway, I hope this helped. Keep writing,
Ben

Hello!

I actually really like this poem. The way you wrote it, which was in quite a wordy way, made me think of a very charming voice telling a story, which relates to the whole idea of lies.

One thing I would be a little concerned about is the number of themes you try to fit into this poem. There is the tapestry, the snake, the truth and lies. They all weave together nicely, but when you're trying to say and describe it all then the poem can almost become too much, as there is such an amount of imagery pouring in that individual themes get weakened. I would suggest editing some parts out, and replacing them with lines that perhaps strengthen the ideas you already have.

But, this is a lovely and well put together poem. Be careful not to let it get too wordy, though - again, then it becomes too much for your average reader!

Hope this helps!

-Amy

Hi,

All in all, I believe that this is a brilliant piece. The story you weave into it is amazing, you are clearly a wonderful writer. I just had a little problem with the flow of the whole thing because it kind of skipped from rhythm to rhythm, making me a tad bit confused. I did like that you tried to work so many different themes into it and it wasn't too bogged down by wordiness to me. I'd suggest focusing more on the snake than all the different themes and toughen up that rhythm you started in the beginning lines. You've really got something magical here, so work it!

I'd love to read anything else by you! Hope I helped a little!

~Horseradish

Ooohers, hello StoryWeaver!

Like a worm inside an apple
Left to form a gaping hole
For another unaware that they must bear
The poison you ensue.

I love these lines here. They’re dark and for some reason remind me of that song “Bird and the Worm.” But it’s great imagery.

I think you have a lovely extended metaphor here but I had a couple of issues with it.

The first thing that bothered me is that it would have been nice to see this broken up a little. As far as a visual of the poem on print, this looks a bit blah. Stanzas would help break things up I think as well as not capitalizing every first letter of every line.

But otherwise, this is a good poem. Good job and happy writings!

~lilymoore