Smile?

I go through everyday
With a smile on my face
To disregard the pain
That is eating me away

No one realizes
This smile
Is fake!

I am hurting everyday
I am in a lot of pain
It may not show
But I feel it every second of everyday
This pain I hold
Its stabs me
It wants to explode!

I put a smile on my face
Every second of every day
To disregard that pain
That’s eating me away

Hey. This is a good poem. It is well written, and has a good flow to it. What I find with a lot of poems, is that if they rhyme, a lot of the time, the rhyming seems forced. But this poem makes it seem natural, which helps with the flow. What I really like, is the idea of the smile. It isn't something which you see a lot, which is a good thing. Originality is usually a benefit. I don't really have any criticism for it. I just wanted to say that I really liked it.

I'm going to disagree with the first reviewer and might sound a bit harsh ONLY because I think there could be so much potential for an idea like this. So, here goes...
The rhyme scheme is typical, repetitive, unemotional and feels forced. This kind of poem is something that I see so often I almost feel like I'm reading the same poem again and again. To me, it verged on being angst-y, something that's hard to avoid but is necessary to stay away from. Try to think outside the box, to break boundaries. Don't be held down by the misbelief that a poem has to rhyme. The key to a good poem is rhythm. Make it flow. Let it have a beat, and let it have more dimension. Right now it just seems really...flat. And that's what's holding you back.
But that's only my opinion. Keep writing.
StoryWeaver

Hiya,

I didn't enjoy this. Not that it was terrible; there were some nice things in, mostly your stylistic choices and some of your vocabulary. What really bothered me was the subject matter. All it is is four stanzas of you whining to us--there's little to no characterization, imagery, and all of wonderful stuff that make a poem a poem. We've seen emo poetry everywhere--I repeat, everywhere. Most of it is bad. Why? This should hold the answer.

I go through everyday
With a smile on my face
To disregard the pain
That is eating me away

Here, you start off with something easier to relate too then most emo poetry. I was very curious to read on; to read exactly what the narrator was talking about. Pain can mean a lot of things. Is it physical or emotional? Even though you seem to imply that it is the latter, you never specify, and it's vague enough that it work both ways.

That's really the main problem that you have with this poem--it's too vague. What is exactly bothering the narrator? If we know, we'll be able to relate to them better and understand the situation. You'll branch out to a lot more readers that way, as maybe some of them have gone through similar experiences. If you work on explaining the narrator's situation to us, most of it will be unlocked. However, you'll still be missing something vital; imagery.

Right now, you use hardly any adjectives and I can't picture anything very well. What kind of house does the narrator live in? Are they rich? Poor? If they're thinking of committing suicide, do they see a knife and admire how beautiful the silvery-metal is? This ties in a lot with the vagueness; if you start imagining various scenarios, you can show us them with lovely description. You have lovely stylistic choices and vocabulary--right now it's like icing. If the cake is burnt, the icing will be no good, will it? So try to work on rebuilding the body of this poem for right now. Hope this helps! Good luck, and PM me if you need anything.

-Elinor x

Hey,

My name is Day, and I shall review your piece today.

After reading the comment above me I would just like to say that I agree with Elinor in that there wasn't very many descriptive adjectives. I did enjoy this because any form of writing makes me happy, but there was a lot that could be improved upon. One primary thing is the flow. Each line seemed to be a bit choppy, and didn't flow as smooth as it could. Another basic thing that could be done to improve the piece is split up the huge body stanza you have placed in the middle. It seems quite daunting when compared with the others. For future reference most of the time when a poem has stanza consisting of near the same amount of lines the poem generally tends to flow better.

Another thing is that the second stanza seems much more like song lyrics then a poem. A primary cause of this is the sudden exclamation mark at the end. Overall though I think this stanza should be re-written differently, but still try to make the same point.

Well, That's all I have to say for now,

~Day

Hi colie18!

I really enjoyed this poem! I have to totally agree with the message you are saying in this poem-I have to say that I'm guilty of doing that most of the time. I love the idea of the smile and the mystery behind it. Love the originality. It flows perfectly. I really don't have any criticism for this poem which can be a bad thing but in this case, it is an excellent compliment. Keep up the good work.

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter

Hey there!

I usually hate the word "cliche" and despise everything about it, after all it's about how well you write and not how popular what you're writing about is amongst other poets, right? Well, yes, but when I come across a poem such as this one, I can't help but be a hypocrite. This is an ultimate cliche. A prime example of, I'm sorry to say, what not to do. The worst bit is this:

I am hurting everyday
I am in a lot of pain

That might've gone un-noticed had you used some kind of variation of word choice or clouded it in implicit metaphors, but instead you've explicitly told us what every teenager in the world would tell someone when they're suffering "down time". Other people read about it once, but then a flock of teenage minions wrote billions of poems exactly like it. It just doesn't carry any effect.

So, this poem's good for a spill of your feelings, but I think you'll lose readers because the way it's written is so unoriginal that people may be put off of it.

Sorry it's all bad news, but I hope this helps improve your future writing!
Ben

Hello!

For me, although I agree with what people are saying about cliche-ness, it's not the subject of the poem that really bothers me, it's the way you execute that. That is, every single topic you can think of will have been written about - you make your poem special by how you write about it.

So, instead of focusing on your topic choice, I'll take a look at what you can do to write about it in a way that will create a good poem!

1) Use poetic devices. These are some of your most important tools as a poet. Use them well! At the moment, your poem is rather bland because it's very straightforward. You're telling us that you're in pain - you're telling us that something is wrong. Now show us! Pull fabulous metaphors out the bag and make your poem beautiful.

2) Be original with an un-original topic. So, your topic has been written about before! This means you shouldn't just run at it head-on and write. You need to find an angle to write this from - an angle that will make it different and special. One thing you could do is take an metaphor and extend it through your entire poem. So, you could use the idea of the smile being painted on like a clown's, and then refer to that throughout the poem! See where I'm going here?

I hope this helps! PM me with any questions.

Nice poem emotional and true.
I know of those who smile simply because they have to. Simply to keep certain people happy or at the very lest content.
Yet one can only wear a mask for so long before they forget who they were behind it.
Anyway great poem!
Keep on writing!
-Dawn

Hey there. Looks like this poem is quite popular for its criticism. I have to agree with StoryWeaver, this poem holds so much potential if only you gave it that room to expand and become so much more. Honestly you left me disappointed in your work only because the fact that it could be so much more. Try finding a deeper meaning to your poetry, make sure that they flow together (they don't have to rhyme just flow together. Does that make sense?).
Other than that, don't stop writing. Even though this one wasn't all that great and you got booed quite a bit, don't let that get in the way. Learn from this, and improve. :] Good luck.

-BG-

P.S. I disagree with Elinor because not all poetry that speaks of hiding pain is emo poetry. And I do not believe that you are whinning to us either because sharing your heart and the pain your going through isn't whinning, its relieving yourself of the emotions that are usually locked away.

*by THEY I meant your words...sorry i forgot to put that in there...