Bleep!

August
My doctor says i have a problem. Sends me to the special hospital. They ask me questions like "what does this mean to you" and "how does this make you feel" I say nothing, i just sit there. In my chair. I don't take the medication, makes me ill. Make me need to go to a hospital. A real hospital. It's hard to tell the difference. They are both white. They both think they know best.

People sit in the commons making jigsaws, and watching neutral shows. I'm in a house full of loons, and i don't belong here.

October

Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. I can hear the noise. Bleep. I don't understand how . . . The pills, The pills are in my food. Bleep.

December

Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Everything is white. The snow. the trees. the horizon. The walls, my bed, my clothes. Bleep. One pill takes you back. One pill takes you forward, but both take you somewhere in between,

March

Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. I'm accustomed to it now. Bleep. The paint smudges make sense. Stay away from fleet street doctor, Todd is about.

April
Hello my old friend. Just finished the jigsaw with Anne. She is a Jew you know. Escaped the Germans she said. So many stories. Bleep

July
Happy Birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday Jack . . . or is it Liam Bleep.

August
The Devil wears a white coat and carries a clip board! I don't think we are in Kansas any more Toto

November
Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. The king is coming, he knows the duke. Must have had some strange surgery. Calls himself lion heart. The breakthroughs in medicine

January
I killed them. My family, all gone. My mother liked roses, i always got her tulips. The paint smudges told me this. They're my friends. Goodbye my friend. I will miss you. The devil wears the white coat, Let him be judged and show his true colours.

Bleep.

Well........... I am going to make the assumption that this piece is meant to be ambiguous. Right? Anyhow, it was quite an enjoyable read. Let me guess. He is not literally in a hospital. The doctors are his conscience, misguiding him to commit evil and take the pills.The pills are in fact drugs, addictive but overall harmful to the character's body and mind. As his life progresses, the character finds himself out of touch with reality and closer to past events that he never even experienced. He's sort of going crazy. Is the bleep supposed to represent his heart rate at different times in his life or does it represent something else?

I was saddened in the end when I found out he murdered his family. That darn devil was behind it all along, lol!
Anyway, good job. You have a talent for creating stories that engage readers and causes us to think. I'm not gonna blabber on about grammar errors becuz I reely didnt find ne and b sides I am not an grammar x pert ne way. Keep up the good work!

Hey Retro

My doctor says i have a problem. - Need to Capitalise the i

I say nothing, i just sit there. - Need to Capitalise the i

Make me need to go to a hospital. - I would assume this would probably need to be 'Makes' to fit into the style you are writing it in.

They are both white. They both think they know best. - This is a little too ambiguous. I'm not entirely sure what you mean. Are there two hospitals? You never mentioned that before. Do you mean like a hospital and a metnal hospital? I think it would be better if you cleared this up a little so as not to confuse readers.

I'm in a house full of loons, and i don't belong here. - Another uncapitalised i. I think it is worth saying that you need to proof read your work just to make sure you catch these things. I mean I know you can't always catch everything but if you proof read a couple of times it will get rid of most of these kinds of mistakes.

Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. I can hear the noise. Bleep. I don't understand how . . . The pills, The pills are in my food. Bleep. - So they are in a hospital now? or in a mental institute?

but both take you somewhere in between, - Period at the end of this instead of a comma

Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. Bleep. - I don't think you need this many Bleeps. Just a couple would do because I'm not going along as a reader and reading every single bleep. I just read one and then skip onto the next bit so I don't think they are having quite the effect that you want.

I killed them. My family, all gone. - Wait, is that true? Or just part of the crazy stuff? If it did actually happen that was kind of a weird way to throw it in there and then hurriedly finish the piece. I think you need to explore the character's background a little more and have it in the story for readers.

i always got her tulips - Capitalise the i

Character - I have no idea about your character, expect that they are crazy and possibly a guy? I understand that you are probably trying to be powerful and ambiguous with this piece but at the moment it just leaves me cold. I don't really feel a connection to the character, I don't know anything about them. I am not getting much of a insight into their head and so at the end of the story I am left not caring. You need to pull a reader in and help them identify with your character, to make the reader care about them. I feel like if you did this a little more then your piece could be as powerful as you want it to be. I think you are concentrating a little too much on making your character seem crazy, which does work somewhat, and not concentrating enough on letting us, as readers, get to know your character.

Pacing - It's a little difficult to comment on pacing with this piece because it's not like most conventional prose pieces. I think that you could do with slowing it down a little. I like the idea of using the months because it kind of shows how tedious it must be being in a mental hospital sometimes. However I think you need to slow it down and fill out these separate months with more details of the character/characters and the surroundings and their feelings. It seems like you were just a little too eager to hit the dramatic ending that you didn't give the reader enough before we got there, so the reader doesn't feel the full impact of the ending.

Description - Your description was fairly good. I think you have a few grammar issues but I am not very good at grammar so I can't comment much on that so you would have to ask another member to review the grammar for you. You can go to the Will Review For Food Thread for that if you want. However I did like the description that there was and the little references like the Wizard of Oz one.

Overall - I think that you need to flesh this piece out a bit more. Explore the character further and try to give a sense of a real journey. As readers we like to follow characters on journeys (emotional or actual) and we like to see a change in the character by the end. I think you need to explore your character's mental state a bit more and also just let the reader know more about them and then I think this piece could be quite interesting.

Hope that helped! PM me if you have any questions

Bex x

Thanks for the comments.

Heylo.
Nice work on this piece.

Just gonna reiterate a few points.

My doctor says i have a problem

Capital 'I'.

They ask me questions like "what does this mean to you" and "how does this make you feel"

Question marks?

Well, there're quite a few 'i's that need to be corrected. Beckiw has already pointed them out, so.. I won't repeat each one of them. Did that once already, anyway.

One pill takes you forward, but both take you somewhere in between,

Probably a typo? Full stop's been replaced by a comma.

Happy Birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday Jack . . . or is it Liam

Question mark?

The devil wears the white coat, Let him be judged and show his true colours.

The 'Let' shouldn't have a capital 'L'.

Well, that's all from me.
It was an interesting read. Keep writing!