The Hunted (Chapter 2)

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Joslynn and I huddled together, nibbling our already stubby fingernails. Abigail and Vanessa sat on their bunks reading magazines, trying to pass some time. It was four in the morning and we were worn out and ready to collapse. None of us had slept at all last night, and to make things worse, our cabin counselor was snoring in her bunk. After a few minutes, my stomach started to growl. I tiptoed to my backpack, hoping that there was food. After searching it, I found nothing. My tummy started to protest and I felt a wave of sleepiness come over me. I tried to stay awake as hard as I could, fighting the urge to close my eyelids and take a nap. I went to my bunk and climbed into my sleeping bag.

"Can I take a nap?" I asked, yawning.

"No, we have to stay awake!" Vanessa said. She was clearly sleepy, but we were all too scared to do anything.

"Just a quick nap?" I pestered. "You can wake me up if you wanna."

She sighed and nodded her head. "I don't wanna be bossy, but, I am freaking out." she said, nervously looking at us, "I'd like to have you guys with me, awake."

We understood her, so we fought to stay awake. I told them that I was going outside to get some fresh air. They seemed too tired to care. It was still dark outside and the air was crisp. I took a deep breath and looked around. It looked different than when it was broad daylight. I stepped off the small porch they had and went into a little clearing in the forest. Voices started to fill my head. Go to sleep. Let us take you with us. You belong here, forever. We are with you, and you are with us. Leave with us, and you will see who you truly are.

"Who's there?" I asked, trembling. The voices seemed oddly familiar. They were raspy yet sharp and very mellow. They showed no emotion whatsoever. Cold sweat collected on my upper lip. My body trembled as I felt a presence ever so eerie surround me.
No one. They replied. Except you and your imagination. We are just thoughts that fill your head, nothing more, nothing less. The wind rustled the leaves of the trees and my neck hairs stood up. I turned around to bolt back to the cabin, but to my horror, it had disappeared. All that was left were trees in every direction.

"Where am I?" I asked the voices. You are in our kingdom. "But how do I get back?"

"You will never go back" Said a different voice, a voice that came from the trees. I saw a flash of silver and brown. Something twitched and a paw came forward. A wolf appeared and it bared it's teeth. I gasped and backed away.

"Who are you?" I asked, feeling sick. "And how can you talk?"

It chuckled. "We are just spirits. No one cares about us. We do not care about humans, except, well of course, you."

"Why me?" my voice shaking.

"You are different. You believe in us. You are one of us. At least, not yet." it snickered.

"What do you mean?" I said quietly.

"You must give your soul and your life to us! You must die!" it laughed, an evil laugh and bounded for me. I ran away as fast as I could. It was dark, and I couldn't see anything. When I looked back, the wolf had turned into a man. A sharp pain coursed through my leg, at the exact spot where the mark of a wolf was. I looked at my leg to see a small arrow sticking out of my lower thigh. I looked up to see the man was wearing a belt with a pattern of wolves. My thoughts clouded and I tried to push words out of my dry mouth, but, I was left there, speechless.

"You have become one of us now!" It howled with evil laughter. Then, my vision blurred and went black.

I woke up in a room. It was dimly lit with bone torches and a crystal chandelier that oozed with a red liquid. I was laying on a wooden board mounted on a large bone pedestal.

"Queen!" said the man who had chased me, "She is here!"

"Is she, now?" a voice questioned, "Hmm... Sooner than I thought. She has grown so quickly. Last time I saw her..."

"Who are you?" I shouted, "And what do you want with me?"

"I am the Queen of the Wolf Spirits!" she said, "How do you not know?" She seemed taken back by my questions.

"Well, I don't know..." I said, "Because I have never seen you, ever, okay? I don't know who you are, and I don't care! I wanna go back and leave this filthy place! I demand to go home and I don't care who you are or what you need, I WANNA GO HOME, NOW! I don't care if your the freaking queen of whatever, I DON'T CARE! Got it?"

"Well, then..." she said, with a sad tone to her voice, "I guess she is not the right one. Please, take her back. Please." She stepped out from the shadows of her guards and came forward. She was beautiful. The girl had light wavy brunette hair and a dainty nose. She had rose pink lips and a light blush. The queen wore a blood red medieval dress with dried roses skirting the bottom. On top of that, she wore a red cape and a silver tiara.

"Oh. Before you take me away or something, I want to ask you, what do you want with me?" I asked with a change of heart. I thought she seemed familiar, she looked a little like my mom and my dad, combined.

"You are related to us. Specifically, to me." she said, with a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

"How so?" I asked, kind of curious.

"Well... I... Am... Your sister..." she said, kind of unsure of herself.

"WHAT?!" I screamed. I stared at her from my view on the table thinga majig. I got up and instantly, my leg hurt. I fell to the ground and cried out in pain. Tears flooded my eyes. I didn't want to seem so sensitive to these, things, but it really hurt. I looked at my leg and saw dried blood. I closed my eyes, and again, my world went blank.
Last edited by penguinduan1 on Sun Jun 27, 2010 4:37 am, edited 5 times in total.
ALL HAIL ATHENA!

"If you are mad at someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes." -Anonymous (I forgot)




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I think this chapter would have more impact if you had described the scenes more vividly.
It seems rushed, and the scenes were disjointed.
Perhaps you could've spent more time developing the scene when the character is brought over to the other world/dimension?

"Who's there?" I asked, trembling. The voices seemed oddly familiar. They were raspy yet sharp and very mellow. They showed no emotion whatsoever.
No one. They replied. Except you and your imagination. We are just thoughts that fill your head, nothing more, nothing less. I started to get really scared and I ran back toward the cabin. The problem was, it wasn't there. No thing was, except more trees.

"Where am I?" I asked the voices. You are in our kingdom. "But how do I get back?" "You will never go back" Said a different voice, a voice that came from the trees. I saw a flash of silver and brown. Something twitched and a paw came forward. A wolf appeared and it bared it's teeth.


The transition from one world to the next was too quick and your character didn't seem to be affected by it.
You could've written it like this:
'The wind rustled the leaves of the trees and my neck hairs stood up. I turned around to bolt back to the cabin, but to my horror, it had disappeared. All that was left were trees in every direction. (cont..)'

I don't feel attached to your character. How did she feel? Being scared is too vague a feeling for me to absorb as a reader. To pull your reader into your character's world, you should go in depth describing the feeling. For example, when you want to describe your character's fear, you should describe the physical effects of fear. So, your sentence will be 'Cold sweat collected on my upper lip. My body trembled as I felt a presence ever so eerie surround me.' instead of 'I was scared.'.

This story could be improved on, but it's just my opinion. So take it with a grain of salt.
Keep writing!
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
- Homer Simpson




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Thanks! I will be sure to improve it!
ALL HAIL ATHENA!

"If you are mad at someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes." -Anonymous (I forgot)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3342
Reviews 108
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penguinduan1 wrote:Joslynn and I huddled together, nibbling our already stubby fingernails. Abigail and Vanessa sat on their bunks reading magazines, trying to pass some time. It was 4:00 AM,and we were worn out and ready to collapse. None of us had slept at all last night, and to make things worse, our cabin counselor was snoring in her bunk. After a few minutes, my stomach started to growl. I tiptoed to my backpack, hoping that there was food. After searching it, I found nothing. My tummy started to protest,and I felt a wave of sleepiness come over me. I tried to stay awake as hard as I could, fighting the urge to close my eyelids and take a nap. I went to my bunk and climbed into my sleeping bag.

"Can I take a nap?" I asked, yawning.

"No, we have to stay awake!" Vanessa said. She was clearly sleepy, but we were all too scared to do anything.

"Just a quick nap?" I pestered. "You can wake me up if you wanna."

She sighed and nodded her head. "I don't wanna be bossy, but, I am freaking out." She said, nervously looking at us. "I'd like to have you guys with me, awake." We understood her, so we fought to stay awake. I told them that I was going outside to get some fresh air. It was still dark outside,and the air was crisp. I took a deep breath and looked around. It looked different than when it was broad daylight. I stepped off the small porch they had and went into a little clearing in the forest. Voices started to fill my head. Go to sleep. Let us take you with us. You belong here, forever. We are with you, and you are with us. Leave with us, and you will see who you truly are.

"Who's there?" I asked, trembling. The voices seemed oddly familiar. They were raspy yet sharp and very mellow. They showed no emotion whatsoever. Cold sweat collected on my upper lip. My body trembled as I felt a presence ever so eerie surround me.

(Space) No one. They replied. Except you and your imagination. We are just thoughts that fill your head, nothing more, nothing less. The wind rustled the leaves of the trees,and my neck hairs stood up. I turned around to bolt back to the cabin, but to my horror, it had disappeared. All that was left were trees in every direction.

"Where am I?" I asked the voices. You are in our kingdom. "But how do I get back?" "You will never go back," said a different voice, a voice that came from the trees. I saw a flash of silver and brown. Something twitched,and a paw came forward. A wolf appeared,and it bared it's teeth. I gasped and backed away.

"Who are you?" I asked, feeling sick. "And how can you talk?"

It chuckled. "We are just spirits. No one cares about us. We do not care about humans, except, well of course, you."

"Why me?" My voice shaking.

"You are different. You believe in us. You are one of us. At least, not yet." It snickered.

"What do you mean?" I said quietly.

"You must give your soul and your life to us! You must die!" It laughed, an evil laugh and bounded for me. I ran away as fast as I could. It was dark, and I couldn't see anything. When I looked back, the wolf had turned into a man. A sharp pain coursed through my leg, at the exact spot where the mark of a wolf was. I looked up to see the man was wearing a belt with a pattern of wolves. My thoughts clouded,and my Don't you mean I? tried to push words out of my dry mouth, but, I was left there, speechless.

"You have become one of us now!" It howled with evil laughter. Then, my vision blurred and went black.

I woke up in a room. It was dimly lit with bone torches and a crystal chandelier dripping with blood. I was laying on a wooden board mounted on a large bone pedestal.

"Queen!" said the man who had shot me When was she shot?. "She is here!"

"Is she, now?" A voice questioned. "Hmm... Sooner than I thought. She has grown so quickly. Last time I saw her..."

"Who are you?" I shouted. "And what do you want with me?"

"I am the Queen of the Wolf Spirits!" she said. "How do you not know?" She seemed taken back by my questions.

"Well, I don't know..." I said. "Because I have never seen you, ever, okay? I don't know who you are, and I don't care! I wanna go back and leave this filthy place! I demand to go home,and I don't care who you are or what you need, I WANNA GO HOME, NOW! I don't care if your the freaking queen of whatever;I DON'T CARE! Got it?"

"Well, then..." She said, with a sad tone to her voice. "I guess she is not the right one. Please, take her back. Please." She stepped out from the shadows of her guards and came forward. She was beautiful. She had light wavy brunette hair and a dainty nose. She had rose pink lips and a light blush. She wore a blood red medieval dress with dried roses skirting the bottom. On top of that, she wore a red cape and a silver tiara. Your sentences sound repetitive because of the word she. Why not try the woman or the lady?

"Oh. Before you take me away or something, I want to ask you, what do you want with me?" I asked with a change of heart. I thought she seemed familiar, she looked a little like my mom and my dad, combined.

"You are related to us. Specifically, to me." She said, with a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

"How so?" I asked, kind of curious.

"Well... I... Am... Your sister..." She said, kind of unsure of herself.

"WHAT?!" I screamed. I stared at her from my view on the table thinga majig. I got up and instantly, my leg hurt. I fell to the ground and cried out in pain. Tears flooded my eyes. I didn't want to seem so sensitive to these, things, but it really hurt. I looked at my leg and saw dried blood. I closed my eyes, and again, my world went blank.


Overall: Another well written chapter! Your story is just so interesting and full of action and mystery; this keeps me reading. My only complaints are 1) You said a man shot Victoria, but when did this happen? Did it happen in the last chapter and 2) In one paragraph you began several sentences with "She"; it sounded too redundant and temporarily faltered the flow of the story. other than that, great story, and I look forward to reading more. :)
"A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language." - W.H. Auden



The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
— Mark Twain