Try being me

I thought of writing this last night, and it's about the loss of a loved one. Someone very close to me who died recently. Anyway, tell me what you think.

Try being me


Try being me,
Waking up every morning,
Holding your breath,
Silently worrying…

Try being me,
Arriving home from school,
Holding your breath,
Silently worrying,

Try being me,
Getting that phone call,
Holding your breath,
Silent tears,

Try being me,
Dreading the dreaded news,
Holding your breath,
Mutest of tears,

Try being me,
I can guarantee,
You won’t last a minute,
Weeping,
Tissues,

Try being me,
I’ll swap with you,
Just to be in your shoes,
You in mine,

Try being me,
Ha, don’t even try.

Aw, losing someone always sucks! And grieving, even if it's essential, is never fun.

For your poem, you may consider taking out the repetitious line, "try being me" since it kind of blocks any thought from really forming. Like, I kind of want to see a build up, but with every repetition of that line, it kind of stalls the poem. Also, I think the last line may be a bit too... sarcastic? Like, it has a bitterness that I like, but at the same time, it doesn't really allow us to empathize with the narrator... if that makes sense. I kind of like it for that reason and kind of don't... I don't know. Play around with it a bit.

Yup. Thanks.

Is this by any chance better?



Try being me,
Waking up every morning,
Holding your breath,
Silently worrying…

Arriving home from school,
Holding your breath,
Silently worrying,

Getting that phone call,
Holding your breath,
Silent tears,

Dreading the news,
Holding your breath,
Mutest of tears,

Try being me,
I can guarantee,
You won’t last a minute,
Weeping,
Tissues,

I’ll swap with you,
Just to be in your shoes,
You in mine,

It’ll hurt you so,
Like it did me.

Hey. This was really good. It was discripitive, in a way that didn't tell you evrything, but told you what you needed to know, and it was a good length. I have to say that I prefered the second version though. It wasn't as repeditive, and it let the reader underhand what is really happening. I think it is really good. I don't really have anything bad to say, just the points I already said.

Thanks, i know there are some things that sound misplaced and odd, but i'm glad you like the second version.

Nice work but you have to work on it more

thanks i know, it was just a quicky.

Hey MysticalBlood! I'm RepublicOfCoter and I'll be your reviewer!

Tears come to mind when I read this. If only they came from my eyes rather than my mind. I am so sorry about your loss; I wish I could understand what you're going through but I haven't felt a close loss before. Anyway, back to the poem. Excellent. SIMPLY, EXCELLENT! Both versions were fantastically written. Your descriptions of each where good and I liked the bit of humor in the original version. The second was just as good. I liked how you made the changes because the repetition did get a bit annoying but that was forgotten when I finished the poem. Keep up the excellent work!

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter

Hey there!

Well, I actually adored this (looking at your revised piece). It has that feel of something I haven't particularly read before and the emotions in it are clear, with imagery. It also works well for those, like myself, who can empathise with the situation, feel what you're feeling and therefore subconciously open up their heart to the poem! So it was well written. I especially liked the repetition of this:

Holding your breath

I think this shows the tension and feelings, as well as the use of "your" cheekily making it your reader's feelings too. It feels comfortable to read as well, so that means the repetition works in your favour.

Dreading the dreaded news

Here is where the repetition doesn't work so well. The repeat of "dread" sounds horrible to be honest and it's the first point that I'm put off by your poem. I think if you alter the word choice here, your poem will improve greatly straight away.

Punctuation!
It's good, but basic. I think you need to experiment more to get a rhythm going. For example in some places, a comma isn't even needed and in other places, such as your first line: "Try being me", I think should be ended with a period or full-stop and not a comma. I feel that way it will sound more blunt and carry more impact, you know? Little improvements like that should improve the pace, fluency and rhythm of your poem.

Apart from that, I loved it!
Hope this helps,
Ben