Not Afraid

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Hey guys,
I haven't really posted anything in a while, but bear with me here.

Audrey could hear the steady beep of the heart rate monitor. The drip of the IV. The quiet breaths that came and went in perfect rythm. Too perfect a rythm. It was unsettling, eerie to think that breathing could be too calm; too relaxed. It was wrong to yearn for a stutter in the rate of someone's heart. To wish that they would cough, choke, anything. Anything to signify a change. That's all she wanted. A change. The waiting was too much. Hopefully it would be a change for the better, but she'd even accept a change for the worse at this point. Something. Anything.

Rachel could hear the hysterical crying beside her head. She could feel the uneven breaths as they came and went and she was shocked to hear the ragged edge that accompanied each sigh and moan of pain. That was wrong. It should be Rachel who was in pain, not Audrey. It should be her tears falling softly upon the bed. She was the one who'd been hurt here. She tried to tell Audrey so; that she was the one who should be crying, but she could not make her body obey. Her arms would not move. Her eyes would not blink. Her lips would not utter one syllable. Trapped. She was trapped in her own mind. A prisoner to thoughts and questions. Questions that nobody could answer. Questions like, "Why me? Why did this happen to me?"

Audrey surfaced from her pain and allowed herself to look upon her friend. She tried to make herself pretend that Rachel was just sleeping. That this was just one more sleepover where Rachel had fallen asleep before her. That was wrong, though. Rachel always stayed up later than Audrey. Rachel was the crazy, energetic, outgoing, fun, loving, loveable, beautiful, caring, smart, funny, athletic, graceful, goofy, brave, confident, amazing one. She could do anything. Be anything. But could she be dying? That didn't seem possible. She just wouldn't allow herself to lose control of her body like that. It was out of character. The thought was absurd. Yet it had happened. "Why her, though?" Audrey thought. "Why not me? Why didn't this happen to me?"

Rachel tried to think back on what had happened. It was too much, though. Too much to consider. Too much to think of all that she was losing. She had been so full of life. She could have done anything. Been anything. Audrey was the shy one. The mousy one. She was meek, but sweet, gentle, good, kind, beautiful, caring. She was not Rachel, though. She was too quiet. She couldn't do or be anything without Rachel by her side, but would she have to learn? Was this the end of their friendship? Was this the end of Rachel's life? It hurt too much to think about it. At last, here was the hurt that Rachel had so fervently sought. Here was the cause for tears, for sighs, for moans of pain. And yet she could employ none of these things. She envied Audrey her ability to cry, to sigh, to moan. To express the rage and the hatred and the hurt and the pain and the hopelessness and the sorrow and the anger and the sadness. The sadness of loss. A loss that neither would survive; could survive.

Audrey's hysterics were coming to their end. As embarrassed as she was, she was glad that she'd found a way to express herself. To express the rage and the hatred and the hurt and the pain and the hopelessness and the sorrow and the anger and the sadness. Audrey knew that she was nothing without Rachel to guide her. Rachel, who had included her when no one else would. Rachel, who had helped her through awkward phases that nobody else seemed to understand. Rachel, who was so strong that it killed Audrey to see her lying on a hospital bed, defenseless. This was killing Audrey, but would it also kill Rachel? Could that much spirit and life simply be extinguished so easily? Thinking about this was too much. It was too much to think about all that would be lost. All that she was losing. The tears continued to flow and Audrey forced her thoughts to turn to what she would do without Rachel. Audrey wasn't sure she would survive; should survive.

Rachel hoped. When all other options were closed to her, she hoped. She hoped for herself. She hoped for everybody she had ever loved. She hoped for everybody who had ever loved her. She hoped for Audrey. It was the least she could do. She hoped that somebody would include Audrey as she had. She hoped that somebody would help Audrey through awkward phases as she had. She hoped and she wished. She wished that that somebody could be her. She wished that she could go back. Back to before all of this and just prepare Audrey for life without her. It was the least she could have done. Rachel saw the redness of bright lights behind her closed eyelids. If only she could lift them. If only she could look at Audrey. Audrey would see. She would see Rachel's eyes and know that it would be okay. That, for Rachel's sake, she had to make it okay. The last thing she heard was a whispered, "I love you. I'll never forget you." The redness faded. The darkness enveloped her. She was floating, but she was not afraid.

Audrey hoped. She hoped for Rachel. She hoped for everybody Rachel had ever loved. She hoped for everybody who had ever loved Rachel. She hoped for herself. She hoped and she wished. She wished that it was she and not Rachel whose eyes would not open. She wished that it was she and not Rachel whose lips formed no words. She wished she could hear Rachel laugh and sing or see her dance and jump. She wished for a miracle. Something. Anything. Rachel's eyelids remained closed. If only she would lift them. If only she would look at Audrey. Rachel would see. She would see Audrey's eyes and know that it would be okay. That, for Rachel's sake, she would make it okay. She whispered into Rachel's ear, "I love you. I'll never forget you." She could hear the beeps of the heart rate monitor slow and fade. The breathing gently stopped. She thought she saw a look of peace on Rachel's face before her sobs enveloped her. She was mourning, but she was not afraid.
Last edited by night owl on Fri Jun 25, 2010 8:33 am, edited 1 time in total.




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WOW! That was really good. Is this the end of the story? Were Rachel And Audrey best friends? Or sisters?
I really liked this! I liked how you showed what each girls were thinking, and how they were looking down
the same path. You really captured the pain in this, and the feeling of letting someone you love go.
I don't really have any nit picks - ( I'm not to good at reviewing. )
I just thought i'd say that i liked this piece of work and great job!
You're very talented! :D

Born xx
:D




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I really liked this! The parallel between their thoughts was nice, and I liked the formatting you used where the POV switched every paragraph. At points the parallel between their thoughts could get a bit repetitive, but not nearly often enough to bother me. Overall though, I thought it was really well done. I like the idea, the style, and the actual writing. Good job and I'll definitely be reading more of your work!




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Thanks you guys. It means a lot to hear feedback, and I'm so glad you like it.




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I like it, but I nitpick. :)

heart-rate moniter should be heart rate monitor (no hyphen and monitor is spelled with an o)

I actually think that's all I found at the moment. I liked the style of switching POVs like that.




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Hello, Chryssa here :)
First: I LOVE your avatar!
And I enjoyed the story as a whole, it was sad that she died, but it was a good piece.
I liked the long and short sentences contrast. I'm not sure what the grammatical preference is called, but I liked it, none the less.
And the way you switched their POV with italics and paragraphs was very nice. Very nice. :) You made it clear who was speaking, and that is often times lost in a story. At least, from what I've found.
The repetiveness of their thoughts showed their friendship very well. It made me smile because my friends and I think the same way.
I almost did cry a bit because Rachel died in the end. I can't imagine if that happened to one of my friends..
But, I do have one question, why did she die? Why was she in the hospital? That was what I kept looking for.
All in all, though, very good piece.
Happy writing,
~Chryssa : )
MDR FTW X3

DANCER



A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
— Unknown