Freedom (1)

"Honey, don't be afraid to go after your dreams. Fly if you want to fly. Cry if you need to cry. Don't be afraid of what you have become. I promise, I won't stop you. No matter how much I want to," She touched her lips lightly against my hair.
I look up at her. Then, at the moon hovering over us. I felt as if I could reach out and take it from the sky.
"Mom? What is it I have become?" I ask her, my voice shaking with fear.
"Only what you are meant to be," she replied.
A breeze ruffles my hair.
"No, no! Not just another dream. Mom! Mom!" I sprang up from the pillow. I look around.
The bedroom is empty.
"No, no. Why? Why are you doing this to me?" I sob to the memories.
I remember the day she left. No one knows where. She left a note. A mere goodbye.
I sat in silence, staring down at the moon on my hand. Why was I cursed? People said I had been blessed.
I didn't believe it.
If I was blessed then I wouldn't be alone right now. My mom wouldn't have left because of me. That's what I told myself. I always wondered why she decided to leave. I just assumed it was because I had been a disappointment. Or maybe it was because I became what I was 'meant' to be. I don't know.
I went through the day in a blur. I couldn't concentrate on my lessons. I couldn't eat with the other kids.
I went to lunch outside, as usual. I sat down at the picnic table and stare at the food I'm supposed to eat. The food that would help me 'evolve'. That's how Dr. Frant looked at it. I didn't know what it meant. I just knew I wasn't supposed to have this much power. It's not like I want it. But they do. I can tell by the looks they give me.
I set my hand out on the table and look at the scar. The mark. My blessing. I could only wish that it would go away. But I knew all to well that it wouldn't. It's a crescent moon. Shaped to my palm. It means that the Ancient have chosen me. What if I didn't want to be chosen. But I couldn't tell anyone. I couldn't tell them I didn't want this gift. It was too much. They were all powerful. Controlling minds, emotions, dreams, everything. It seemed like that anyway.
But it wasn't. I could deny their gifts. They didn't have a hold on me. They couldn't.
I look away. I look at the willow tree, moaning in the light breeze. I stare at it as its branches danced with the clouds. I start to cry silently.
A hand covers mine.
I look up, startled.
It's Lucas. My best friend. The one who was always there. I wish we could go back. Back to before the Ancient Ones took over.
"Come with me," he requests quietly.
I let him pull me up.
He brings me to the end of the campus. The end of my prison. The beginning of freedom, which I could not have. Not after Mom. After she left, I lost all will to do anything. Maybe that could change in time.
Lucas turns to me.
"Do it. You know you want to." When I shake my head, he says, "You know your mother would have wanted you to."
I look in his eyes. I look down. I turn longingly to the gate.
"I'll come back for you," I hear myself say.
"No, you won't," he says simply.
I look at him in shock. He holds his hand out as a silent answer. I grab it and turn it over. The moon is there, fresh. I look up at him. He nods.
I look at him with wonder. He had done this for me. But why?
I stare into his eyes and realize that he was still my friend. At least I had something.
"Will you come with me?" he asks.
I nod slowly.
He smiles and offers his hand. I take it without hesitation.
We turn as one and fly to our long delayed freedom.

Hello there, I guess this story is a quick one. I just hope that there are settings in the story, about the location, the description of the scene. But the plot is good and the title fits it well. Then towards the end, what you mean "turn into one"? Are they ordinary humans or others..? Need more explanation about that. Continue writing!

I liked the element of mystery in this story, but, I would like to know a little bit more, such as the setting and what gift/curse they have. Please describe a little more. Anyways, I love this story!

Hey there, I'm here for a review!

Okay, so first off is this a short story in and of itself, or is it supposed to be a longer piece? Because I'm really left hanging. There are a lot of questions raised that aren't answered in this. What's the blessing/curse that the MC has? What's going on with the mom, is she dead? Who's the guy at the end, and what do you mean by the last part? If this is going to be continued, then you're fine; however, if this is just a short story, then there's a lot that you need to wrap up.

Something I noticed was that you change tenses throughout the whole piece. For example, the first few lines:

"Honey, don't be afraid to go after your dreams. Fly if you want to fly. Cry if you need to cry. Don't be afraid of what you have become. I promise, I won't stop you. No matter how much I want to," She touched her lips lightly against my hair.
I look up at her. Then, at the moon hovering over us. I felt as if I could reach out and take it from the sky.
"Mom? What is it I have become?" I ask her, my voice shaking with fear.
"Only what you are meant to be," she replied.
I close my eyes in bliss.
A breeze ruffles my hair.
"No, no! Not just another dream. Mom! Mom!" I sprang up from the pillow. I look around.
The bedroom is empty.

Red is past tense, blue is present. See how many times you switch it out? You need to choose a tense and stick with it throughout the entire story. During the dream sequence, you could have it be in present tense, and then change to past as you relate how the MC wakes up. But in that case, you should italicize the dream, so it's distinguishable from the main story you're telling.

I grab it and turn it over. The moon is there, fresh.

I don't quite get this. The MC turns his hand over--and then what? Is the MC talking about the moon being reflected in Lucas' hand or about the moon just being in the sky? I have no idea what's going on, so again, more descriptions and details would be great.

Okay, so overall your writing is nice, but there's just not enough. I have nothing to go off of--I don't even know the name of the MC, or whether that person is a male or a female. I have nothing to picture throughout the entire post, no explanation of the surroundings to give a firm grounding in where I am. I don't know who this Lucas guy is, what his relation to the MC is, and what on earth they're talking about. All-in-all, it's too vague.

Put in some more details. Don't infodump, mind you, but give the reader something to imagine. When I read a book, it's like I'm watching a movie in my head. I didn't have anything to picture here because the movie's blank. Show us what you see in your head.

Keep writing! And please feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

' my voice shaking with fear. ... I close my eyes in bliss.' He goes from fear to bliss very quickly. o.O

This is pretty well written, very intriguing, with a great premise, in my opinion. You've done a very good job keeping the reader interested right up until the end.

However, as I think others have said, there are some things that I don't want to be left a secret, such as the gender of the main character, who Lucas is (Sibling? Boyfriend? Creepy uncle?), where this is set (you have a distinct fantasy vibe, but the school seems like a plain old school, so is this set in a realistic world or a world where curses/blessings are the norm?) How did the MC's mom die? How does Lucas get the blessing so much later? What 'freedom'? Death? Is that what this is? o.O Are they suicidal, or bird-people, or a couple teens playing hooky from school... When they fly, do they have wings or do they just flap their arms up and down? How long ago did the MC's mom die/disappear/whatever? When did the MC find out about this curse/blessing? Is it a normal thing? How exactly does it work? Is it common or rare? Why is their freedom long-delayed? What makes them feel trapped in the first place?

Now, this is a short story, so you can get away with leaving a lot of this stuff out... But I would like a little more elaboration in some places. As you can tell from my rapid-fire questions, there are a lot of ways you could go with this. I don't think it would make a bad novel, if you're willing to expand on it...

Bottom line, I like this, but I'd really like some more info on a few things. ^^

Thanks for the input. I was just testing out a story idea and was wondering what you guys thought. I can tell I have a lot of work to do. So I hope you enjoyed this little preview. Thanks again and don't hold back on the critique. Thanks.

I like the changes. ^^ Definitely an improvement.

There are still a couple things I'm a bit confused about... Still don't know MC's gender, but that could be intentional. Right now I'm thinking girl? Also, still wondering how they get the blessing in the first place.

'It means that the Ancient have chosen me'

'The moon is there, fresh. I look up at him. He nods. I look at him with wonder. He had done this for me. But why?'

The first line makes it sound like the blessing is something that just appears... Whether born for it or if it just shows up one day. Like it's out of everyone's control. The second line sounds like Lucas intentionally gave himself the mark so they could -- run away? Which means that the blessing is something YOU can choose, rather than these mysterious Ancients choosing you. The little discrepancy there is a little distracting...

I did like how the food is supposedly going to change him somehow. You alluded more to what powers these blessing things give, and I like the mysterious people who WANT him to have power. I want to know what's going on. Are they building an army for some kind of war? Are they rebels who want to use the blessed people to overthrow the government? What happened to his Mom, and will she return somewhere in the story? Where is the main character planning to go with Lucas? Can they really escape this school thing so easily?

But those questions are things that can be answered later on in the story, if you DO decide to expand on this. Which I hope you do, cause this is kind of intriguing.

One thing you may want to watch; some of the questions you tried to answer felt a little awkward. Like...
'I set my hand out on the table and look at the scar. The mark. My blessing. I could only wish that it would go away. But I knew all to well that it wouldn't. It's a crescent moon. Shaped to my palm. It means that the Ancient have chosen me' That last line. 'It's a... It means...' That sounds like WAY too obvious an explanation. Try and smooth it into the story a little more. Something like... "I set my hand on the table and looked at the crescent moon scar that was shaped to my palm. The mark. My blessing. The one that meant the Ancients had chosen me." Even that's a bit stiff-sounding, but it's a little more natural than taking the time out from the story to explain every detail of what his scar looks like.

Keep at it. I'm likin' this. ^^