Momento Mori

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I am a laugh that’s faded into
Fleeting memories.
Drums beat colors that float to bleakness.
Watch the cloud rumble through the blue,
Watch the bird fly, fly away into gloom;
Days in seconds, years in minuets.
Feelings turn into deadened time;
Happiness floats like a puff of smoke
All is fleeting- feeding on a distant memory
That lingers in my mind, can never find
A place in time that renders happiness.
For happiness is unobtainable, like a sound heard in a distant street, over a distant hill
It’s forgotten, its lost in time-time
Here I sit, watch the tree dance in all of it splendor.
Here I sit, watch the stump in all of its forgotten gentleness.
Here I tell stories of a tree,
A tree that can enlighten, a tree that produced wonders.
There they sit, watch an old man in his dying splendor,
And with the dying man, all his memories die.
All sounds, visions, and emotions are mingling with times disintegration.
When young and verdant, emotions flood the soul like a wave of endless ecstasy.
The old man feeds, bountifully feeds on hills of reflection.
Objects of olden time that are gazed at with new eyes,
Render a new feeling of oldness.
Words die, sounds lost, vitality to coldness.
Life is but an hourglass, a glass that is prescient of fate.
Death is the answer to mans question of fate, a question that renders happiness.
Last edited by Faust on Thu Jun 24, 2010 6:43 am, edited 2 times in total.




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Deep and emotion great for your first post!
Hard to tell what the poem was exactly about but I got the remote just of it!
Though tell if I am wrong I believe that life is not something that we wait to end so its a bit hard for me to believe that fate's answer is death.
Yet thats just my thoughts :D .
Anyways great work and hope to see more from ya!
And welcome to YWS!
-Dawn
C.Mejia




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Hallo

Hmm...inspired by the Romantic poets methinks ;)
I've read it through a few times and each time, the second line jars. I don't think that the enjambement works there, it's too soon into the poem and suggests a completely different style.
Other than that, I like the poem. It's wonderfully free and busy, like a feast for the mind...almost too busy. I think that some stanzas would be an idea, just to make it digestible. But it does work well as a chunk of text.
On a critical note, you need to be careful with the 'overflow of powerful feelings'. It can make the poem too confusing and gives no conclusion, which can be distracting. Your metaphors are delivered with authority, which is great, because it does away with lengthy description. But be cautious because you can make too many metaphors and make the poem uncertain of itself.
There are a few grammar and spelling errors
'Days in seconds, years in minutes'
'It’s forgotten, it's lost in time-time' (is that repetition of time an error?)
'All sounds, visions, and emotions are mingling with time's disintegration.'
There are a few suggests that I'd like to make regarding grammar.

'Feelings turn into deadened time.
Happiness floats like a puff of smoke' - I don't think the semi-colon is necessary. A full-stop make a slightly longer pause.

A good poem and a wonderful start. (Y)

-TJ-
***The Jesseble***

Cheese Hat




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This is a beautiful and expressive poem, and I am eager to read more of your work.

Faust wrote:Drums beat colors that float to bleakness.
Watch the cloud rumble through the blue,
Watch the bird fly, fly away into gloom;


This might be a quiff that occurs only to me, but I was unsure, for a second, whether "Watch toe cloud rumble through the blue ..." was a command, or something that the drums that beat colors that float to bleakness do. Confusing, I know, but merely an expression of the confusion I felt while reading.

Faust wrote:Days in seconds, years in minuets.


I'm sure it's a typo, but look at the spelling of the word "minutes."

Faust wrote:All is fleeting- feeding on a distant memory
That lingers in my mind, can never find
A place in time-time
Here I sit, watch the tree dance in all of it splendor.
Here I sit, watch the stump in all of its forgotten gentleness.
Here I tell stories of a tree


Gotta love the alliteration of "fleeting" and "feeding," and the repetition of "Here I ..." adds to the drama of the poem. I admire the non sequitur attitude with which you go about describing death, and, despite a few typos (some of which I have failed to note here), the poem is close to perfect.



When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him.
— Euripides