cold sweat

"Please lock your doors and windows,for your safety please do not leave your house." Jimmy looked at me in fear, fear of what moms going to do us when we get home or why the guy on the radio is telling us to hide in are houses, problem was we were in the middle of central park at midnight. "Come on Jimmy lets get home." we took off in a nice pace but then I saw him then I knew what that guy on the radio was talking about. "Run!" about twenty feet later I looked back and couldn't see Jimmy I stopped dead in my tracks. There he was holding Jimmy by the hair the sick grin on the mans face sent me into a cold fury and I charged straight for him. I felt him before I saw him,his fist connected with my jaw, I was out cold. "Jimmy!" I was in a cold sweat "what, go to bed Jake." I felt relived, it was cold so cold then I saw the window it was open so I got up and closed it and then I saw a figure in the ally by my house.......................................................

If you want to find out what happens next read cold sweat (continued)

Wow..really a cold sweat..are you going to continue?

Hey inkmind! You've got a pretty good story coming along but you've got to watch out for punctuation mistakes. Comments/suggestions are in bold. :]

"Please lock your doors and windows.For [you forgot the space after the comma] your safety please do not leave your house," Jimmy looked at me in fear, fear of what Mom's going to do us when we get home or why the guy on the radio is telling us to hide in are houses. The problem was that we were in the middle of Central Park at midnight.
"Come on Jimmy lets get home." We took off at a nice pace, [This sentence is a bit jumbled.]but then I saw him. That's when I knew what that guy on the radio was talking about.
"Run!" About [Make it more clear about who is speaking and who your characters are.]twenty feet later I looked back and couldn't see Jimmy so I stopped dead in my tracks. There he was, holding Jimmy by the hair. The sick grin on the man's face sent me into a cold fury and I charged straight for him. I felt him before I saw him,his fist connected with my jaw, I was out cold.
[What just happened? Please make this a bit more clear.]"Jimmy!" I was in a cold sweat "What? Go to bed Jake." I felt relieved It was cold. [This sentence isn't very relevant. If you're going to start describing the setting, describe it thoroughly [b]Then I saw the window. It was open so I got up and closed it and [Putting an "and" here only decreases the amount of suspense in the sentence. Take away "and then" and you'll have a nice cliffhanger ;] then I saw a figure in the ally by my house...

This was a bit more like the blurb on the back of a book than a story. Add onto this but be careful of punctuation errors, especially where to end and begin sentences. Describe the setting and characters more.
-Ace

Hiya inkmind. Welcome to the site! I'm KD, and I'll be reviewing your work today. I'll try not to repeat anything ace said, haha!

First, watch your tenses, and ellipses!
You went from past tense (looked) to present tense (looks) in this example:

inkmind10 wrote:Jimmy looked at me in fear, fear of what moms going to do us when we get home or why the guy on the radio is telling us to hide in are houses

'Looked' is past tense and 'telling' is present tense. So, 'telling' should be 'told', since your story is written in past tense.
About ellipses: ellipses are three periods in a row. I think you were trying to use an ellipse in the last sentence, so make sure you only use three periods, not five billion!


Second, make sure that you start a new paragraph every time a different person speaks. Here's my example, in dark green.


"How are you doing?" Bob asked.

"Pretty good, you?" Jim answered.

"Not so great," Bob said. "I got lost in the Grand Canyon in the morning."

"That sounds horrible."


Third, proper nouns!

Where is Mom? If you just use the name 'mom' like this, you should capitalize it. (This rule goes for all relative names, like Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt, etc.)

Where is my mom? But if you use 'mom' like this, with a 'my' in front of it, then you do not capitalize 'mom'. (Again, this rule goes for all relative names.)

Also, remember that you should capitalize names of certain places, like 'Central Park', since it's the exact name of a park.


Overall:

Not bad! You had a good beginning, which got me interested, and a very interesting title. This definitely has promise.

Hope I helped! Keep up the good work-

KD

Welcome to YWS!

A few people have already picked up on the grammatical errors that--for me--were an issue that detracted from the overall draw of this piece. Since it's a rough draft, a few problems should be expected, and your style is very interesting, nonetheless.

I found myself a little confused at the very beginning, because you don't have any introduction, really. I'm all for jumping right into a story, and plunging headlong into the action, but I think an entrance like this is generally baffling. For what you are doing here, you might benefit from a more casual start before you up the intensity.

It was very short, and although I imagine you meant it to be this way, it also makes it difficult for us to get an idea of what's going on. It's unsatisfying, and although its interesting, we still can't put our finger on an overall tone or concept to latch onto as we continue reading this.

It certainly has potential, though. Very nice work!!!