Shift

The scenery is beautiful, I can't get it out of my head.
Green, black, blue, white and yellow; It's everywhere.
Every time I look around, I see something new.
Shift.

The curves and the wind feel so amazing.
I can even hear the birds sometimes!
The roaring is getting louder...
Shift.

Fresh cut grass is all around, spectacular greens.
Can you smell it, too?
Oh, how I want to just feel it under my feet.
Shift.

Faster and faster, everything passes me by.
With each twist and turn, I feel whole.
Nothing is missing now.
Shift!

I'm holding on tightly now, here we go!
There's only one more left...
The rush is coming, I can feel it!
Shift!

Nothing can stop me now.

Hi,

This has a great energy to it, and I really love;
"Fresh cut grass is all around, spectacular greens.
Can you smell it, too?
Oh, how I want to just feel it under my feet.
Shift."

I'd try to replace too-direct statements with something more visual, for example, don't tell me;

"The scenery is beautiful, I can't get it out of my head."
show it to me, and show the narrator's preoccupation with it through her tone.


Likewise, don't tell me;
"The curves and the wind feel so amazing."
Make me feel it too.

I like the isolation of the final line.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Hi AmberAngst,

When I look through the cookie rack at my workplace's cafe, there are biscuits that are fresh and doughy and ones that you can immediately point out as being stale, probably more than a week old.

This is one stale cookie. You describe things are "beautiful", "can't get it out of my head", "amazing", "feel whole", etc. You list colors too much, making their description lose its potency. If I came up to you and told you, "Wow, that play was amazing!", would that be enough to portray my feelings? No, because saying that something is amazing is a fluffy way of avoiding having to actually describe the object or event. You need to start at the most basic, most animalistic level of the reader's pathos. Sights, sounds, touches, smells, tastes. These are the ways in which we perceive our world, so use them instead of simply saying "Wow, that grass is awesome!" and moving on. I notice that you did try to use some imagery when you spoke of freshly cut grass, but this can be greatly expanded on, especially when talking about the scent of such grass.

You repeat yourself far too often; yeah, we get it, "shift". What's the point of saying it so many times? What exactly is the difference every time? Each stanza seems to be basically making the same point even if you're going faster each time, so saying "shift" over and over again diminishes that word's importance. The reader grows bored, and every time you repeat yourself he notices the word less and less.That's not a good thing, especially since it's supposed to be the pivotal phrase of the entire poem. Once or twice is okay. More than that, no.

The rhetorical questions are cheesy and don't really bring anything new to the table. Why do you even bother saying "Can you smell it too"? Of course you want to know our reaction to it; that's why you're describing it to us in the first place. Get rid of all those questions.

In general, a bad poem with a bad premise. Work on it.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Though I'm not quite sure what you are trying to get through with this poem its great in its way.
I imagery in this is wonderful and you did a great job drawing a picture in my head!
Keep writing and ill keep an eye out for more of your work my friend!
-Dawn