Let The Story Unfold

You weigh the pain.
Error returns.
Your eyes drown in the water.
You've spent your whole life in the water; below.
No revenge though,
You're wise enough to know your limits.
You never tell your pain, hoping if you don't you'll forget it.
But you know it builds inside you.
You just may be turning mentally ill.
You try to be happy with friends and life,
But you barely fake your way through.
Wait,
You and I know that's not true.
The only friend you have is your pillow.People are acquaintances, barely.
Every day is like deja'vu.
At times you dwell on the pain.
At times you fake your way through it.
Whenever you look at yourself,
All you see are scars and bruises of your past,
Your memories, not your pain though.
Pain has been with you your entire life.
Whenever you look at yourself you don't see within,
You don't see that you're innocent,
You always blame yourself for it.
Look at yourself!
You see only ugliness.
Your pain? A little.
But if you see your feelings,
You would know to change yourself
And not dwell on the past.
You whisper to your pillow at night,
You hug your pillow.
You rely on that only friend.
So how should I know what you're going through,
If you seem so happy around PEOPLE?
I take a look from within.
You have purple tears,
You hurt yourself physically and definitely mentally.
You're depressed,
The stages you've exceeded all,
You represent depression you've exceeded.
Since you keep it all in that's what's coming out.
You're anti-social.
You've known pain so long,
But you can't take it.
You loathe it.
You detest it.
You hate it.

You weigh the pain.
Error returns.
Your eyes drown in the water.

I really like this. I read it because of your user name. I love him. I think it needs renaming because it isn't Really catchy.

But other than that. Love it.

It's pretty good but there are some parts I feel are a little cliche. To fix that, show and don't tell. Like, when you say, "You hurt yourself physically and definitely mentally./You're depressed", it would be stronger if you showed how the speaker hurts themselves. Don't just say it, show it. Also, when you put "people" in all caps, it doesn't add that much to the emotion intended. I find when phrases or words are put in all caps it puts more of a comical look at it, and I don;t think that's what you wanted to convey. But, overall you have a good start. I like how the end repeats the beginning.

Hey Poe! You like a good poet.

Anyway, as far as this poem goes, I found this very very abstract... cripplingly so! You delved on the problems with the mind, but... well... quite honestly, the mind can be a really screwed up place and you made it seem too normal! So it didn't really have a fantastical feeling to it! Also, the mind and the body seemed strangely detached... for example, the first time that you used an action that didn't have to deal with self reflection was when you mentioned the pillow! Your use of second person further keeps the tone detached. So you're going to have to watch that... if you want us to really be part of the story, you need to bring us in rather than removing us.

Hope this helps!

OK. Thank you! That does help. I didn't really like this poem, to tell you the truth. It was just one of the many piles of poems I had and I wrote it down. Thank you. That really does help!

Hi,
I thought your poem was very deep and meaningful. It was so easy to read but it really interested me and made me want to keep reading. I think a lot of people can relate to it and i thought it was very good.
Keep it up Plus, if you want me to review any of your work at any time - let me know.