Let There Be Blight

Prokaryote is kool, Prokaryote is kewl, Prokaryote makes me drool drool drool!!!

Oh... my.. GOD.

Let me just start by saying, the length of this poem was daunting at first, but once I started reading, I couldn't stop! I was literally (I don't use that word often) on the edge of my seat with suspense, anticipation, awe, inspiration, and attention as I read and reread this masterfully epic (another word I don't use often) piece of writing.

I loved the descriptive words, the reference to Greek mythology, the intertwining of religious themes with scientific ones, and just the terrifyingly beautiful word choice.

Do not change anything.

One question: are you a professional writer?

EDIT: You are NOT eleven! At least not on the inside..

SECOND EDIT: (I keep coming back to this) i just wanna give you props for writing something so amazing about a less than amazing subject (insects/ethanol).

Crit owed. Please do not delete this until I get a chance at it? ;D

Due to the fact that I am a goddess of productivity and punctuality, I have made it here before you sacrificed this work to the high heavens! I consider myself victorious.

Something I recently realized with your poetry is that the capitalization makes it more approachable. You have the winding thoughts and frantic imagery of each piece, and for some readers it could be too much and the words could just float right off the page (or computer screen, technically) but the fact that you use regular, first-word-of-the-sentence capitalization somehow tethers it to the ground, holds it together, keeping it from drifting all over the place. In a good way.

the landscape...lust

I like the alliteration, but "lust" seems overkill, and I can't imagine what this "lost lust" they're searching for would be, much less what it looks like.

Second stanza is fabulous.

Say
...
light.

A few things here. I don't like the "Say I". Mainly, because this is how you introduce the narrator of the poem, and this is your first flash of first person. As the first glimpse into the narrator, you want a stronger image or a stronger emotion. And when I read this I think of of guy in a wig and tights standing on a stage and gesturing towards the crowd wildly and speaking in haughty, forced British accent. Which I don't think was the image you were aiming for.

And, on somewhat of a similar note, you introduce a bit of second person here as well, the "you came from the skies" part. But I'm not sure who "you" is, or exactly what a lightning screw is supposed to be. This is a part of the poem where you start wandering, throwing too many ideas out there at once. And then you use two successive similes with the word "like"-- the lightning screw and the fruit flies. Although, for that underlined portion, I'm not sure what you're comparing. Scuttling fruit flies being compared to...the "you"? Or the eyes of the narrator?

EDIT: Okay, so coming back towards the end, this is the only mention that involves a "you". Which I find a bit odd, like an unfinished thread that's just left dangling. It seems pointless to introduce this "you" if they're only going to be mentioned once.

of(f) course

I usually enjoy it when you do this, using the English language and all its quirks to your advantage with the parentheses, but it feels forced here, not significant enough to warrant the distraction. I'd just as soon see: "We're holding onto something off course, of course -" which draws attention to the one-letter difference without interrupting your flow. But I pretty much jump at any excuse for meaningful repetition, so perhaps I'm a bit biased.

One moves,...surface

This needs a comma or two somewhere to separate ideas. At first glance I thought you meant: "One moves despite the carbon dioxide, kissing his brain and scratching the surface" and that you had mixed up the tense of "scratches". But I think you mean that the carbon dioxide is doing the brain-kissing. In which case a clarifying punctuation mark after "moves" and another after "brain" would be much appreciated to spare readers the weird image of a bug kissing his own brain.

Death walks...man.

You used the word "pure" in the previous stanza. Might be a good time to break out the thesaurus.

She’s blinded...growing storm.

This seems excessive. You're already bordering on "ridiculously wordy" in this huge stanza, and this image doesn't connect back to anything or add much to the scene. Weak phrases are like weeds, taking up all the space for the good ones until they all run together in a big bush. For lack of a better analogy-- break out the weed-whacker!

It spreads...sacrifice

What's "it"? My recurring nag, which I'm sure by now makes you want to bash me over the head: don't lose your subject. This gets particularly dangerous when pronouns are involved.

and imp...mountain

What on earth is an imploding blind mountain supposed to represent, and how are we supposed to even begin to visualize that?

Overall

Mm, yes. This is much better. I'll even venture to say "wonderful", although I really shouldn't be fueling your ego. You did a lot of things right here-- I feel that you've pretty much achieved that balance I was talking about, the one between coherency and ambiguity. The issues here were minor, more self-contained. I started getting wary towards the end, those two gigantic stanzas-- you know better than to waste words, and you were dangerously close to throwing too many random images around --but I think you pulled it off regardless. You were very ambitious with this one; you tried to tie in and incorporate a lot of historical, scientific, and religious aspects all at once, which worked well for the most part. I like the parallels in the second to last stanza, with science and religion almost battling. Again, just be careful about overdoing it, or else I'll have to go back to the weed analogy.

Good stuff. PM if you need something else.

~Evi

I really enjoted that part.

Sisyphus could have no greater pursuit than to stepoutside this room and roll right back in,ensconced with my winged brethren.

Inferred from the title, this poem is about deterioration. I like it.

Gah, I'm finally here, and your poem isn't down yet. I win.

Overall, this poem is good, but it's barely standing. You've thrown around too man ideas, it's like your poem is a jar, and you've filled it with knickknacks until you can't close the lid easy more so you have to force it shut. Sure at the end you can close the jar but it's obviously overstuffed. And the big thing is that you stuff it at the end.

For example, incorporating Sisyphus is to big a step from everything else you're talking about. Though you've linked it in with the poem, the sudden link to Greek Mythology seems out of place. As much as I like the story of Sisyphus and his punishment of continuously rolling the stone up the hill.

Also, this:

deleted

The line before it is quite fantastic. I love the way it flows and overall, I'm not sure what it has that makes it so special, but it's good, and I keep repeating it to myself. Death walks in and asks for a pure man, yum. But then that is just excessive, spitting out words that don't hold any sort of emotion for the reader. And you'er basically creating a silencer for the previous line, you aren't letting it grow to it's potential.

And then we have:

deleted

Egypt now? Why? To connect back I would of used the image of a golden scarab. It connects back to the creepy-crawly feel of the rest of your poem, and still holds potential to link to pyramids. But again, a jar jam packed with images that don't even hold potential to improve the poem.

Now, you could argue my review. Why? Because you've rolled these images into your poem. I'm just suggesting the dead weight you could cut.

Your ending was really well done.

deleted.

Specifically the use of doppelganger to link back to the ethanol. That was certainly nice.

I'm sorry this couldn't be more helpful, this is a wonderful, risk of a work and I loved it.

Kamas

This took me more than a couple of reads before I understood who was narrating this, but when I did, everything finally made sense. Eli and Kamas already covered most of what I wanted to point out, especially with regards to having too much imagery. The sixth stanza, in particular, could use a lot of streamlining as, right now, it rambles, and it was the one stanza that really confused me.

I have to say though that I really enjoyed this poem once I understood it. I've got a soft spot for science poems, and you really managed to make the act of preserving insects in ethanol poetic.

Galeeerius! I swear I was going to come review this. I just got distracted with other posts and poetry tends to take me an extra day or two to let it sink in before I better understand it and -- well, excuses, right?

The first time I read through this, the various metaphors was knocking my brain back and forth, and I was constantly losing track of what was happening. But, I have this feeling that it can work seeing as the poem discusses alcohol, so I don't have much else to add with that!

With me anyway, because of the multitude of metaphors, the poem gets draggy, and I would lose focus. Especially with the two bigger paragraphs (even moreso the second bigger paragraph), my concentration gets lost in the sea of words. I had to reread those paragraphs every time I read the poem again. BUT I did just wake up, so. And also, that's ethanol for you anyway, ja?

Those really are the only two things I'd point out in any other situation. But seeing as the subject here is about alcohol (and I'm an amateur poet), it seems to fit very well to me? xD Eevie Jeevie and Kama probably are loads more help, but maybe I reinforced a couple ideas for you to look into? (I seem to apologize every time I review something of yours. XD)

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Heya Galerius

You've already gotten some epic critiques, especially from Evi and Kamas, so I'm probably not going to have much to say about this. I don't want to repeat what's already been said, after all. That would annoy both you and me. If there is something that's already been said, but really does stand out to me, I will repeat it. Just letting you know.

Considering all of the grammatical errors have been corrected in previous reviews, I won't include any grammatical nit-picks. As far as I can tell, which isn't really saying much, the grammar is up to scratch. One thing I will mention though about the structure of this is that I don't necessarily like it all that much. There's one or two stanzas that, to me, is rather distracting because of the length of them. To be honest, it doesn't bother me all that much, but I do think that they would put off other readers. These are the one's that I'm on about;

breaking down... and solidified.

This is more of a personal thing, I suppose, but these stanzas were a bit too long for me. I'm not sure if you were going for some kind of effect with these when it comes to the length, I'm terrible at noticing things like that. If you were, I think that you could maybe make it a bit more obvious for non-poetical people like me. As a whole, I found the structure kind of weird, but maybe that's just me.

My next critique is actually what the other reviewers seemed to have said. Basically, I'm finding tht there is a bit too much imagery in this. It's not that you're imagery is bad, not by a long shot. In fact, I'm very impressed! I just feel that some of it isn't really necessary. The only thing that overused imagery does, to be honest, is pointlessly lengthen your poem. Like Kamas said, it feels as though you've thrown in a load of ideas, metaphors, descriptions, e.t.c and they've kind of like taken over your poem. Sorry if I'm not making much sense, I'm not too sure on how to describe what I mean in a way that makes sense. The idea of this poem as a whole is seriously good, in my opinion, and I love how you've ended it. It's just that I think the effectiveness of the ending would be emphasized if you chilled out on the whole imagery thing. Another problem with the use of to much imagery is the fact that it can sometimes confuse the reader. When you begin describing things thoroughly, us readers forget what the poem is actually about. Especially when the imagery begins to feel as though it's rambling on. I, for example, actually had to read this a few times to fully understand what the poem was about.

Negatives aside, this is a seriously great poem! I could never write poetry like you... I suck. Although I think that you used a bit too much imagery, the imagery that you did use was very good and really vivid. All that you need to do is cut down on it a bit. Like I said before, I also like the idea of this poem. If you ask me, it's pretty original. You've definitely written it in a pretty original way, if you ask me. Your grammar seems to be very good, even though that isn't my strong point when it comes to critiquing. If you want a thorough grammar review on this, you may have to ask someone else! As far as I can tell though, your grammar is pretty much perfect. Can I just say how much I loved your finishing stanza!

For three... for another.

There's just something about it that I love. I think that one of the main reasons that I actually very much like this is because it doesn't confuse me as much as some of the previous stanzas. You haven't used an annoying amount of imagery, but you still have some effective imagery there and some really nice descriptions. The other reason I think that I like this is because, to me, it kind of sums up the poem as a whole. Plus, it helps me understand what the poem is actually about after all of the imagery in the stanzas before it.

Sorry if I haven't been much help, everyone has beaten me to it. Plus, I fail at poetry reviews...

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Gal --

I'm not going to be overly didactic here, or long-winded. You've had many adequate critiques. Plus, I need to be somewhere in twenty minutes.

This is one of my favorite pieces of yours. I think what I like most about it is the degree of balance you've attained. Balance between your generally schizophrenic and loosely connected images, and, in this case, clarity. It's a good poem because it is not only intelligent and full of good images, but because it can also be understood by the average reader (well, not average...). The topic is great, and what you've done with it is great as well. In fact, I was a little jealous of the length of this poem. I usually write long poems, not so much of late, but never something this long, and with such purposefulness. One thing I've always admired about your poems is their cathartic nature. Each one is the spilling of a soul. They're so effusive, and telling.

six ...more.

Great passage. Specifically the final line. The addition of "one more" just made things all the tastier.

The following stanza is a little bland, but I'm not disheartened, as I see ahead of me a lush jungle of words ...Another thing I always enjoy about your poetry is your willingness to experiment with internal rhyme. In the next stanza "lightning screw is wonderful". I'd see if you could find a different word for "scuttling". For one, it's rather dull, for another, it doesn't mesh with fruitflies.

our ...deep.

The image of an illuminated heart in the "deep" is too intangible and frivolous for me. See if you can find something more concrete, or avoid using anything at all here.

free ...watching

Fantastic rhythm here. Really flows off my tongue.

dusty ...altar –

My favorite line/image in the entire poem. I can literally hear, the open-handed slap of the palm against cool rock, and its urgency. Great choice of simile.

I ...blood

Lovely as well. Absolutely lovely.

Your closing as well is fitting. The simple question -- is there a god? -- after the exaggerated drama of the process you just described is, as I said, fitting. Along with the final line, which suggests so much repetition of great things. The contrasts you pull from here are so exquisitely layered -- the great and the small. The drama at a microscopic level. The meaninglessness of similar drama at a macroscopic level. I could easily say that this is my favorite poem by you. The clarity with which you've expressed yourself and the dead-pan sophistication is really inspiring. Was this inspired from your job? There's something distinctly autobiographical about this poem -- and perhaps that's why it was such a success.

Anyway, keep doing this. I want to see much, much more of this.

-Kylan

Hi, Gal!

Prokaryote is kool

I like the idea of the very first line, but I don't like the vagueness of "things". In my opinion, that word choice takes away the effect that the line would have had otherwise.

"Lost lust" doesn't speak to me. The image is probably better than these words, which, to me, basically make it seem juvenile.

I like "every direction and one more", even though I can't help thinking the "one more" is just a cheap trick to make this sound cooler than it would sound without it. =P But, I don't really care what your motive was when writing something, as long as it sounds good.

The second stanza is skillfully worded, and I like the sound of it and the images I get, even though I'm not sure what it's all about.

In the third stanza, I especially like the subtle rhymes. I don't like the "Say I" part, because I don't know what it means and how it's to be interpreted. Next to the rest of the stanza, it doesn't look that good either, though I suppose it could work as sort of an intro to the stanza, in search of a better word.

is kewl

I've never liked it when people write this. It sounds so forced.

drool drool drool

Hm, too many words...

[space]

iLike.

!!!

Ha, this I love. This might be my favorite part of this poem.

[deleted]

This is also very nice, though I'm not sure whether you need both "wet" and "moist"?

Okay, the seventh stanza makes me completely fall behind. I feel like I'm a binary jungle. However, I like the "neon sign that screams BABYLON" thing and the other last lines, because they feel like a nice-coloured lifebelt I can grab onto.

[lifebelt]

Ah. Another lifebelt. I really like this one.

[a recurring theme]

Ooh. I get it. A recurring theme. Consistency is always nice. …Or something.

[yay]

I also like this.

[teh end]

I'm happy with the way you ended this. Basically, I'm still more or less clueless, but I'm sure it's not your fault. It would be useless to make pretend-wise remarks about the poem when I feel like it drove past me in a bullet train. So, obviously, I'm not going to do that.

You know how there are "Simple English" versions of some Wikipedia pages? Someone should make your poems into those. :0 So that people like me could avoid leaving the reply box feeling like they just wrote the least helpful review since the last time they reviewed you.

I'm sorry, but it has often happened that I haven't been able to fully grasp a poem of yours. Obviously, it's not your fault. They're so… intriguing. Just like this one. I mean, even though I didn't have a clue where I was most of the time when reading this, I still wanted to consume every word. This was an interesting reading experience to say the least.

Oh, also, I really liked the little word plays and rhyme things you had going on there. =)

You know what, I think I should just go now. Haha. I'll see you around!


Demeter
x

Gal, I've postponed finish this far too long, and haven't quite said as much on it as I would've what with brain being not working and stuff, but here we are,

En masse, the elements with which you've built this poem are close, and at the determining points of this poem, I suggest you watch how closely you place them. The words here are strong, so to speak, and too many of them too close without being fleshed out at places where the story is being told and not described makes this claustrophobic.

There's very little to criticize here, Gal. I take it as a pretty well polished poem, since it's only the little things that stick out to me, such as a word that changes the way the stanza is running or the smaller things such as the way the words roll of the tongue together (to which I say recite this aloud and find the places where it slips just that little bit).

I enjoyed the first stanza. I found it well executed; it sets a tone for the entire poem, but it keeps its own tone that doesn't transfer to the others, which I find a highly appreciative quality. Here, though,

as ...food,

I'm not entirely sure that I can appreciate the usage of putrid here; it breaks down the decrepit air you had about the stanza.

And, together the stanza raises an air of uncomforted longing; I think it goes without saying that you've writ that beautifully.

collapsed ...dream.

I'm iffy on your usage of internal rhyme here. I can't decide if I like it or not, because it kind of disintegrates the progressive freeness of structure and traditional devices and ruins the tone for me. Two words would've been fair, but three borders overkill, I think.

So ...be.

Tasty. Cryptic, but I like.

Say...light.

Here, the assonance you used is marvelous. This is the type of rhyme that suits your poem better than the obvious shown in two stanzas prior. This is what I like to see; the rhyme that you don't catch until you read it out loud.

"Lightning screw" makes me happy; keep those words up, dear. The kind that wake an image without having to be opened up and described. Similarly, the fourth line in this verse modifies that and turns the poem ever so slightly in a new direction. That's poetic beauty if I've seen it.

Here...of

And here, I am terribly torn on this stanza. I love it, simply put, because it's creative the way you've descended into a vivid image and brought solidarity to visualize. I especially love how this stanza ties into the next one, again with that subtle turning in another direction. I'm unsure if I like it, because the images are clouded and rise up and overwhelms what you're saying here, the bottom message. I think you need to clear that up. In the following stanza, I'm unsure about who is gripping -- the coffee or the three extra?


*

(I think it's tedious for the both of us for me to pick through stanza by stanza and focus on the tiniest of details that are insignificant when the poem has a greater effect en masse)

You covered this well, Galerius, and because of that, I'm not sure if that aids or ails the poem. I loved it-- but I'm all for metaphor-- but others have said that it was hard to get to the ropes of. I agree with that, (although I get a lot out of trying to decipher what you're saying beneath this all, and I must admit that I am still uncertain about exactly what it is you're speaking of in here).

I find your writing cryptic, in the most positive of ways possible. On the surface, there are references to catch and word play to enjoy, and you still manage to craft an underlying puzzle into it that benefits a good reader.

In truth, I think that the abundance of metaphors contributed a lot to this poem, but in a sense or another it took away. Next time we talk, we should discuss this poem, por favor, because there are a few things about it I'd like to know

June