The Last Leadslinger

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Torpid
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Thu Dec 29, 2005 11:35 pm
Torpid says... · Thu Dec 29, 2005 11:35 pm
Removed. 8)

I thank all those who critiqued it.
Last edited by Torpid on Thu Nov 09, 2006 12:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Jiggity
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Fri Dec 30, 2005 12:45 am
Jiggity says... · Fri Dec 30, 2005 12:45 am
"his long obsidian leather coat"

Obsidian is, as far as i know, a volcanic material and it can not be made into clothing. It would be better to say: his long obsidian coloured leather coat.

"After a few minutes, fed up he was, he drew his pistol. BOOM! BOOM! He squeezed off two shots into the night sky."
dont use sound effects. Thats where description comes in handy, say instead: After a few minutes, he was fed up and so drew his pistol, thundering two shots into the night sky

just some suggestions.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
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Torpid
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Fri Dec 30, 2005 2:06 am
Torpid says... · Fri Dec 30, 2005 2:06 am
Thanx for the thundering shots, i will use that later. I'm writing more of it now and there is about to be a shooting...
~Torpid
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Emma
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Fri Dec 30, 2005 10:46 pm
Emma says... · Fri Dec 30, 2005 10:46 pm
It's good! There are some grammar areas where you need to improve on, but it is good! Also, try breaking it up a bit so it is easier for us to read.

One pointer; I don't like it when you use the words "BOOM BOOM" I know you are trying to make use of onomatopoeia's, but I just don't see why you need to use "BOOM BOOM". Nice work, I'm off to read the second part now.
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Torpid
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Tue Jan 03, 2006 9:45 pm
Torpid says... · Tue Jan 03, 2006 9:45 pm
Thanx when i get enough time to write the third part i will.
~Torpid
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Dargquon Ql'deleodna
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Fri Jan 13, 2006 7:28 pm
Dargquon Ql'deleodna says... · Fri Jan 13, 2006 7:28 pm
good stuff, i see quite allot of potential in this story. i agree that you probably shouln't put the BOOM BOOM! in it. it is very well paced. and now im going to go read the other part.
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Dargquon Ql'deleodna
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Fri Jan 13, 2006 7:28 pm
Dargquon Ql'deleodna says... · Fri Jan 13, 2006 7:28 pm
good stuff, i see quite allot of potential in this story. i agree that you probably shouln't put the BOOM BOOM! in it. it is very well paced. and now im going to go read the other part.
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7 posts


have u ever noticed how ugly rosy-lipped batfish r? and not like in the “aw ur so ugly ur cute” way that like opossums r — no they’re just hideously ugly beasts that should never have existed and r the epitome of evolution fails. the stupidity, blank look, head emptiness. they’re horrible n everyone who likes them r horrible too. they truly have the worst fan-base >:[
— Shady