Young Writers Society

cigarette smoke drifts in florettes towards the sky
our threadbare jeans rest against rusted metal
the heat presses
our bodies lie still

not once have I ever asked you a favor
not once have you asked one of me
time runs on
like kite string through my fingers

there was a moment -
before all of this
when I wondered what we would become
but then it didn't matter

come into my bed
where my sheets are a map
of the only place we really exist
somewhere new every time,
every one just as imagined as the last

This is cool.

I think you have really effectively engaged the reader here, from the start.

I'm a little tripped up by the lack of capitalization, and some of the more inconsistant punctuation, although that might be your intention in keeping it so informal. The beginning, I was really involved in. Your imagery is great, and I think you have really mastered your vocabulary here.

The ending, to me, seemed a little abrupt though, and I don't think I would have understood the message without the title. I think if this were a little more developed, it would make a lot more sense.

It's still great, though! Nice work!

In terms of punctuation and capitalization, I took kind of a minimalist approach. I didn't want to include any punctuation that wasn't essential to the rhythm I wanted, so I only included one hyphen and one comma, both of which were deliberate. As far as capitalization, I generally don't include it at the beginning of lines because I feel it gives the lines a more organic feel, as if each flows into the other with only a slight pause. Capitalizing the beginning of poems works well for more structured poems with a rigid beginning and ending to each line.
As for the ending, I admit it was abrupt. I felt like the poem needed a bit more as well, but I just couldn't find the words. Perhaps I'll add more later on.

Thanks for your comments

Hey bigwords!

Mwha. I guessed from your critiques that your poetry would be lovely... and what do you know? I'm right!

Anyway, my main comment is that the stanzas seem a bit out of order! I would write:

cigarette smoke drifts in florettes towards the sky
our threadbare jeans rest against rusted metal
the heat presses
our bodies lie still

there was a moment -
before all of this
when I wondered what we would become
but then it didn't matter

not once have I ever asked you a favor
not once have you asked one of me
time runs on
like kite string through my fingers

come into my bed
where my sheets are a map
of the only place we really exist
somewhere new every time,
every one just as imagined as the last


...just an idea! I think it runs a little smoother, if only just a little more. It seems a little awkward as it is together.

hanks, Snoink. It does sound a lot better that way. I'll probably change that.