A Learning Affair end of chap 1

Finally the end of the first chapter, sorry it took so long

When I got home Laura was in the kitchen preparing what looked like dinner. I tried to avoid her, which was hard when I wanted a soda and she was in the way.

“Hey Bristol, I’m just trying out this new recipe. Pork and…”
“I don’t eat pork,” I rolled my eyes and grabbed a can of soda.
“Oh. Why?” Laura frowned.
“Um, hello Charlotte’s Web was my favorite book growing up,” I said.
“Uh, okay, I could make you something special,” Laura nodded as she flipped through her book.
“Forget it, you’ve already got pork juice on your hands,” I shrugged.
“Bristol, I’m really trying here. I don’t want to be your enemy,” Laura pleaded. “If you ever need me I’d be there in a second, honest.”

I sighed; I needed someone to talk to about the Logan situation, Jane had been no help and my father wasn’t home.

“Okay, here’s the deal, I’m a virgin and Logan wants to have sex. I promised myself I’d wait till my senior year and now its here. Logan expects me to live up to my promise, which is no big deal, but I don’t want to feel like I’m rushing it. What do I do?” I asked.
Laura set her book down. “Okay, that’s a lot to process. But I’m glad you came to me. Now I don’t want to sound cliché and tell you to wait for marriage, but that’s probably your best bet. You can never undo your first time Bristol. At least in a marriage you’d be with someone you plan on spending the rest of your life with, other than someone you could break up with in a month or so.”
“That’s not what I wanted to hear, but thanks anyway,” I grabbed my soda and turned to go.
“Bristol I’m sor…”
“No, it’s okay. I’m just going to my room now,” I said as I walked away.

I don’t know why I was so harsh with her. She’d said exactly what I needed to hear. But there was no way I could repeat any of it to Logan.

I went and laid down in my room.

First day of school and already I was stressed out. Great.

Hey!

I remember reading this earlier back. I remember I liked it a lot. Since this is short the review will be short. Rejoice!

Okay, I like this. My only issue is that I am not sure that you mentioned that Logan wanted to do the deed earlier in the story. If you did, then good job, but if you haven't then do that. Just checking-it's been a while.

You have a nice, natural feel to your dialogue, although sometimes your comma use is iffy. Go back and see if you missed a coma here or there and it will look better.

The MC's voice is still great. Lots will relate. Lauren still seems stiff to me, so maybe you could give her more life.

That's all I could find. Keep it up!

-Esther

Hello! I haven't read anything else in the story, so I'm just going to give you my two cents here.

I think you need to slow down here. By a lot. Right now, this whole situation is happening in a vacuum. All we have is dialogue. I'd suggest you read this article on what's known as "talking heads." Talking heads is basically what you have here: all dialogue, no character reactions and no description. Talking heads makes the story go quickly and make readers feel pretty detached.

You also give us no time to process what's going on, at all. By not giving us time to process what's going on you're making it harder for readers to relate to your MC and the whole situation. Yes, the character's voice makes it easier to relate to her, but I'd suggest you brush up on your pacing techniques. This article is a good place to start.

Hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey