Eliza and Morgan

This is only the beginning! Please tell me what you think so I know whether I should continue on with this story!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The music was blasting in the car. Punk Rock as usual. Morgan drove like a maniac and I held on to my seat belt as the threads cut my palm.
"Morgan, I swear you are going to get me killed one of these days! If I die, I am filing for lawsuit," I joked.
"When you're dead? That should work real well, Eliza!"
"How do you know what happens when we're dead? Maybe I can sue you!"
"I guess we'll just have to wait and see!"

I never thought it would actually happen. I never imagined actually dying. But I did.


Morgan sat next to Stephen who sat next to Jackson and so on. Row after row of quiet high school students sat, some arm in arm and some tearing up. A couple of girls would hiccup or sniffle, breaking the seemingly endless silence. Jesse, Arie, Dithia, Rynnie, all of them crying. Stephen and Jackson sat staring off into the darkness of my grave. It looked like it took everything in Stephen not to cry, but he didn't. He'd never actually cried over me. It seemed as though he never would. Even when I was dead.

I was in my coffin. My body was right there. Pale and serious, things I never was in my real life. This was my funeral and my parents sat alone in their own little corner. I didn't even want to think of their agony. Just looking at Mom made me want to cry. But could I cry? Was I even supposed to be thinking right now? I was dead, that was fact. Eliza Bock was dead and currently being lowered into the ground while her friends sat around it, looking at me for the last time. Morgan only stared. Her green eyes looked at my dead body. She probably thought that if she stared long enough, I might come back to life.

The whole thing was unreal and I was there. Somehow above it all, but in the middle of it at the same time. If i had a body, I would have been walking around to each person, hugging and thanking them all for caring. I would have been crying with them, but for happier reasons. The people here were the ones who had cared for me. They had molded me into Eliza. But now that Eliza was gone.

I couldn't bare the thought of my friends, family, and teachers being so upset over me. So I left. I floated away. I went so fast that the cars on the road beside me seemed to be stopped.

I think this is a great start for a story.

I never thought it would actually happen. I never imagined actually dying. But I did.


Morgan sat next to Stephen who sat next to Jackson and so on.

I think you should try to have a better transition between these two lines.

So I left. I floated away. I went so fast that the cars on the road beside me seemed to be stopped.

I really like this part. You should go through the funeral scene and add more descriptions like this one.

Row after row of quiet high school students sat, some arm in arm and some tearing up. A couple of girls would hiccup or sniffle, breaking the seemingly endless silence.

I also like this line, with the description of the silence.
Pleas continue this, because I'd like to see where it goes.

I definitely want to read more. This is an interesting and unique concept, and I want to see where you go with this. My vote: Keep writing.

Hey
SO this is definitely interesting, in a good way.
Your description is strong, but I don't really feel the emotion. Maybe explain how she died?

I totally wanna read more, so keep writing
~Kit

i really liked this although i think you should of put a bit more feeling into it. it was a bit short and i would have liked you to explain a bit more on what happened to her
overall i really liked it
keep writing

Heya

I'll start this review off with the nit-picks, considering you don't have many at the moment. I'm not sure how many I'll find, or even if I'll find any at all, but I will try.

"How do you know what happens when we're dead? Maybe I can sue you!"

"I guess we'll just have to wait and see!"

Hmm... I wonder what's going to happen...?

I never thought it would actually happen. I never imagined actually dying. But I did.

Yep. like the way you've written this though, by the way.

Morgan sat next to Stephen who sat next to Jackson and so on. Row after row of quiet high school students sat, some arm in arm and some tearing up. A couple of girls would hiccup or sniffle, breaking the seemingly endless silence. Jesse, Arie, Dithia, Rynnie, all of them crying. Stephen and Jackson sat staring off into the darkness of my grave. It looked like it took everything in Stephen not to cry, but he didn't. He'd never actually cried over me. It seemed as though he never would. Even when I was dead.

I'm not sure whether I like the fact that you've jumped straight to your MC's funeral. To be honest, I'd like to know a bit more about the crash itself. Even if it's simply a few small sentences about how she heard a loud smash of glass, or how her body jerked forward or whatever. We can't really emphasize with your characters because of this, to be honest. By that, I mean that we don't feel many emotions at all really. In a way though, I do kind of like how you told us that your MC died. I just think that you could have expanded it. Plus, we don't actually know for sure if she died in the car.

This was my funeral and my parents sat alone in their own little corner. I didn't even want to think of their agony.

You seem to be telling us these things and not showing them. That might be partly why I don't really feel any emotion towards your characters. Instead of telling us that her parents were in agony, show us. Say how her parents were sat in the corner, their eyes staring into space. Tell us how her mother's eyes were filled with pools of tears and how her father wrapped his arms around her mother, yet looking completely lost himself. Saying things like this is always a lto more effective than just telling us that thy were sad.


Overall

I'm pretty impressed with this! I do have some negative things to day about this, but I also have quite a few positives. To begin with, I very much liked some of your descriptions. At times, they could feel a bit telly and not showy, but you definitely had some nice ones in here. Some of the reviewers before me have pointed out some of the descriptions that were effective. As for your characters, I really like your MC so far. She doesn't annoy me, which seems to happen very often with me when it comes to characters that are teenage girls. She's also good and entertaining to read about. As for your other characters, we don't know much about them. From what I can tell though, they were pretty cool too. I especially found the guy at the start rather amusing, mainly because of him and your MC's conversation about death. Oh, the irony. When it comes to the idea of the story itself, it is rather cliché. This doesn't bother me though, I like the way you've written. It makes up for the whole cliché element. Besides, for all I know, you might include a completely unique twist in the next part of this. As for the grammar in this, it was very good! I don't think that I actually found any grammatical errors. Seriously well done for that! The same goes for your spelling, actually. As far as I'm aware, there weren't any grammatical errors in this.

My main critique, I think, is the fact that I don't feel any emotion while reading this. A funeral scene is pretty darn emotional normally, believe it or not. The problem is the fact that I feel no emotion! The main reason for this, in my opinion, is because you haven't really given us enough time to emphasize with your characters. To begin with, we know hardly anything about the car crash. Mind you, we aren't really certain that is true; the fact hat she died in a car crash. You didn't actually tell us, which is something that you really should do. I kind of figured that it was in the car crash, but because you didn't confirm it, I can't be 100% sure.

I never thought it would actually happen. I never imagined actually dying. But I did.

What happened between this? How did she die exactly? If it was in a car crash, what happened? Did it hurt? Did she feel nothing? What did she hear? What did she see? What did she smell, even?

Morgan sat next to Stephen who sat next to Jackson and so on.

The fact that you don't describe things in a very showy way is partly the reason that I don't feel connected to your characters. If you described things by showing, not telling, a bit more, I would definitely feel more emotional towards your characters. You are clearly a good writer, you just need to be a bit more careful when describing. As a whole, your descriptions were very nice. You just need to go that step further and make them even nicer. Don't tell us that she simply died, show us how she died. Don't tell us that her parents were sad, show us that they were sad. Are you beginning to understand what I mean? Sorry if I'm unclear, I'm terrible at explaining things.

All that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said and edit this up a bit. If you do that, you will definitely have a great piece of writing here. You just need to start showing a bit more instead of telling and let us readers feel more emotion towards your characters and what is happening.

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Hey gabriella!

This was all a bit confusing, right from the beginning, because of this little part.

gabriella wrote:I never thought it would actually happen. I never imagined actually dying. But I did.

Um, so she thought that she would never die? Oo-kay. Hopefully you don't mean that. Do you mean that the MC never thought about dying? Or, are you talking about the MC suing Morgan when she's dead? That's odd, but... please explain! If the reader doesn't understand this, they won't understand at least this whole chapter. This is what got me lost.

Overall, this seems very interesting. I can only confirm that, though, once I understand that little part above, hehe. ^^ Kudos for trying something like this, though! Writing about things going on after death is very difficult to make believable/ is very difficult to explain. You've done a pretty good job with that...so far!

Hope I helped. Keep on writing-

KD