Glass Wall

:Jeanette:

Through glass I see,
A world so far past,
Slipping from my grasp,
And fading from my memories.

Through glass I see,
A sister, a best friend,
A fellow believer in pretend,
Still...it feels like we're slipping.

Through glass I see,
Laughs and tears,
Shared secrets and fears,
But they're just out of my reach.

Through glass I see,
A connection that's faded,
A friendship that's slowly evaporated,
And a simple happiness we no longer see.

Through glass I see,
That it should be easy to reach past,
To rebuild the bond within our grasp,
But this glass wall always stops me.

Through glass I see,
Something I long to have once more,
Yet never really sure,
If it's this glacier wall or it's reflection that holds you out of reach.

Through glass I see,
What has slipped away,
What has moved on,
What might stay,
What might stay strong,
And this glass wall that stands in between.

Hello there
I will just come out and say that I found repeating "Through glass I see" very annoying. It threw everything off a bit. Maybe you could have just left it at the first line and then continued with the other lines until maybe repeating that same line on the last paragraph. It also lacked some feeling. But besides all that I love the idea of the poem.

Keep writing

Hey. I think this is great. I really like the idea of what the glass wall is. It is deep and thoughtful. One nitpick I have, is that I don't think all of the stanzas finish completely. It feels like they are left hanging. But that's just what I think. What I really like though, was the last stanza. I especially like how you ended it. How the wall still stands in between. I think it is written really well.

I think you need top not repeat "Through glass I see..." so often. It detracts from the poem. I'm going to suggest what I just suggested for someone else's poem I just reviewed, perhaps you can re-work the poem and alternate stanzas that start with that line with ones that don't follow the same structure. I'm a fan of the inner-couplet rhyming, however. Experimenting with rhyme schemes will definitely help you figure out your style, and it seems like that's something you should definitely keep doing. Maybe you'll find s structure (or maybe a NON-structure) that works better for you.

"A fellow believer in pretend..."
I definitely love this line. It's a great and unique way to describe this character.

"Laughs and tears,
Shared secrets and fears..."
This line is really cliche. I understand that it's something often shared between good friends, but the image has been used a few too many times for it to be imaginative. When you're trying to think of creative ways to describe something, try imagining the scenario in you mind and concentrate on the small things, the details that aren't always described by everyone else. And don't be afraid to put two words together to make a new one. Your writing should be a reflection of what YOU feel.

"...this glacier wall..."
Perfect. This is an amazing image. It's simple, yet it captures the feeling of coldness and separation you're feeling in an unusual yet appealing way.

I like the image of a glass wall and they way you use it to create a feeling of "watching from the outside." I'm looking forward to reading more of your work and seeing how you grow as a writer. Keep on writing, I hope I helped.

Hey I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer, I don't know this was unique, but it had some issues. The one that stopped me reading was the repetition. It just went on and I stopped reading to see how many lines and lost flow of poem. There were some great lines but it lacked that oomph. It dragged on carelessly but never really getting anywhere. My suggestion is to be a little creative with first line of each stanza but give it original message.

Like Bigwords I love the term 'A fellow believer in the pretend' it's such a unique way to word this concept.

But I couldn't finish this because of the repetition and it's shame because I saw the potential, but I didn't have the will to get through this.

Hope this helps.

Hey Jeanette! I'm RepublicOfCoter but you may call me ROC.

I liked this poem. I would have to disagree with ziggiefred-i loved the repetition, I though it made it what it was. I love your description of the glass wall, excellently worded-good job. However, I do agree with kingolions, your stanza felt unfinished; some lines I felt were a tad too long and could be broken down by starting another line and from what quite a few people have said is that you try to avoid using emotions in you poem. Your trying to paint an image using words, not pictures. Other than that, fantastic poem.

Keep up the good work!

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter

I really like the way you made it all connect back to the glass. I also appreciate the message of the poem because, if I interpreted it right, I've gone through the same thing not so long ago. I'm going to end this with a cliche now...

Keep up the good work!

ashlyn

Hey Jeanette!

Aww... sisters who drift away from each other! Always a sad thing! Anyway, I agree with the several people who said that that one line is repetitious and should only be used once.. get rid of the other occurrences! Also, get rid of the winky smiley. It's not a good thing in poetry, trust me!

Now, what I would do to show off the whole sisters drifting away from each other is to use a personal connection. That is, I'm sure you have inside jokes or things that only you two know. So I would use those inside jokes so that we can be aware of a more personal connection between you two.

Good luck!