Great Expectations

His left shoe was worn out more than this right shoe. He noticed this as he walked down the quiet street of a suburb. The air was thin and cold; it was almost time for winter, he could tell. Isaiah stopped walking, held the bottle against his soft lips and took a well deserved gulp of his cheap whiskey, cleansing his body from all feeling. He had never had a drink of any type of alcohol in his life but he saw it in the movies; if a man was depressed, he pulled out a bottle. He was desperate to forget all of it. He watched the leaves of trees playing along with a chilly breeze that brushed peacefully against his face and wondered why he was so unlucky.

Just a few hours before, his whole world had crumbled before him all at once not leaving him with time to prepare. It was too painful, the memory. Isaiah had just finished hanging the painting he surprised his girlfriend of seven years with the previous day on that morning. It was a painting of her done by a local artist who lived down town. He thought that by this, he could create the right moment she was so yearning for; he was going to propose the minute she walked through the door from work.

Isaiah felt the gods were really watching over him considering his fortune over the years. He had found a woman, the woman of his dreams who had stuck by him through everything. Isaiah was a recovering cancer patient and his girlfriend had nursed him through it. He would be a fool not to propose and be with her for the rest of his life. He straightened the portrait after dusting it and admired the beauty of her sheen ebony skin and her wide marble brown eyes. The front door suddenly opened and his attention drifted from the painting to his left jacket pocket; he felt the gold ring and then he sighed. He then wondered whether he should cook first to make the occasion more special. He brushed all thoughts from his head when he saw her walking up to him.

“My darling Neo, you look lovely,” said Isaiah as he walked to her to embrace her.

“Isaiah, we need to talk,” replied Neo forcing a smile.

Isaiah led her to the dining room table and then realised that maybe he should have cooked that special meal to make what he was about to do special. Neo slumped onto a seat and took her shoes off to relax, she was tense. Isaiah pulled up a chair next to her so that she would not have to waste time walking over to her when it was time to kneel.

“Neo, I too have something to say to you, but ladies first,” Isaiah finally said after taking his seat.

Neo’s eyes suddenly flooded with tears; she was hoping this would not happen but she could not help herself.

“Neo, what is it?” Isaiah finally withdrew his smile. “Is it a problem at work my love, why are you crying?”

“Isaiah, I have something to say; just listen and don’t interrupt me OK.”

Isaiah gripped Neo’s hand tightly to support her. He thought of maybe proposing there and then and it would make her feel better, it would lighten her mood.

“Isaiah, I have not been truthful to you or myself.”

“What is this about Neo?”

Neo broke her hand from Isaiah’s, “Isaiah, I love you very much.”

“I love you too my love.”

“Which is why I have to leave you; I have met someone else and I love him more. You and I have grown apart and I am not happy about it.”

Isaiah did not react for a while and the scene remained quiet. Neo was waiting for him to say something.

“How long have you been seeing him?” He finally said in a calm subtle voice.

“Two years now, we are getting married.”

He finally took his concentration away from the swaying leaves back to his shoes. He had never once noticed the problem with his shoes. Isaiah’s whole neck up to his chest reeked of alcohol. His nose was dewy and his face was drenched in tears. He had just taken off his shirt because he felt a little hot. The thin spikes from the cold air pierced his tight muscled arms and his chest which resulted in massive goose bumps all over him. Isaiah was drunk. After this, he would go home, sleep it off and then forget she ever existed.

Ouch, that was harsh of her! Aww, you’re mean to Issaiah. But be proud that you can make me say that! I like how you had me get a feel for who he was before entering his girlfriend; it made me feel for him when she dumped him.

Anyways, on to the critique!

The Here and Now

In your first paragraph, you kind of ruin the story for me. I know he’s going to be turned down, because he’s drinking and depressed. There should be no introduction here. You went into such depth on the memory, so just make it the actual story. Then move the first paragraph to the end, mend it up a little, and you have a clear story line that feels much more action packed, rather than passive.

Emotions and Senses

This is such a strong moment for the man, and I think you should go into more depth here. Pack the story with emotions; this is an emotion driven story. Let us see how he sets the mood with sweet smelling candles, soft music, and gently lights. Let us feel him holding the small velvet box, biting his lip as he prepares to propose. Then when she comes in, let us feel his love for her, his anticipation, everything. Build up the moment!

You also will need to deal with his reaction. You skip right over it, and it leaves me feeling empty. I would assume that he sits there, dumbfounded, until she puts her hand on his to apologize, when he jumps up and leaves.

Alcohol

Now this is just my own idea, but it would tie in very well with the drunk line at the end. First, ditch the last sentence; the Issaiah was drunk” line is so much better. Then go back and have him cooking, pouring wine into the pasta sauce or something, and commenting on how he never drank. Then you will have the stark contrast between his life with her and without her.

Overall, it was very good and emotional. Good job! PM me with any questions.

~JFW1415

First of all, great way to start it. It intrigued me, a lot.

he felt the gold ring and then he sighed

Hm, why did he sigh? It seems kind of random, you could follow it with a thought of his, why he is sighing.

“I love you too my love.”

Comma before "my love"

resulted in massive goose bumps all over him

I would take out massive, it doesn't match your tone I don't think

Wow, that was really sad! I can't believe she would do that! I think you captured his emotions really well and you tied the end with the beginning really nicely. Great job! I loved it!

Heya ziggie!

Here to review as requested. JFW has already given you a very good review, so I'll try not to mention what he's already mentioned unless I think that it really is necessary.

His left shoe was worn out more than this right shoe.

I very much liked this opening line for some reason! It was pretty quirky and different, in my opinion. I like sentences like this.

He had never had a drink of any type of alcohol in his life but he saw it in the movies; if a man was depressed, he pulled out a bottle.

The beginning of this sounds a bit awkward to me. I think that you should change it into something like this, 'He had never drunk any kind of alcohol in his life but he often saw it in the movies; if a man was depressed, he pulled out a bottle. Something like that, anyway.

Just a few hours before, his whole world had crumbled before him, all at once, not leaving him with time to prepare.

Isaiah had just finished hanging the painting he surprised his girlfriend of seven years with the previous day on that morning.

I also found that this was phrased a bit awkwardly. I wasn't entirely sure what you were trying to say. You should definitely consider rephrasing that.

It was a painting of her done by a local artist who lived down town. He thought that by this, he could create the right moment she was so yearning for; he was going to propose the minute she walked through the door from work.

At this point, you can tell that she will say no or that something will go wrong. The reason for this is at the beginning. You mention that he is depressed and drinking, therefore, something must have gone wrong with his girlfriend. It isn't necessarily needed, but it would be better if you didn't make it so obvious that the proposal didn't end well. All that you really need to do about this is maybe cut out the bit of him drinking. Keep the description at the start of him walking down the street, I like that. Just consider taking the fact that he's drunk out of it. I think you should save that for later on so that us readers don't know what happened with the proposal.

“Isaiah, we need to talk,” replied Neo forcing a smile.

Dun... dun... dun.

Neo slumped onto a seat and took her shoes off to relax; she was tense.

“Isaiah, I have something to say; just listen and don’t interrupt me, okay?”

“What is this about, Neo?”

“I love you too, my love.”

“How long have you been seeing him?” He finally said in a calm, subtle voice.

He seems rather calm to find out that the girl he loves and was about to propose to has been cheating on him. Especially considering they've been dating for seven years and he's had cancer. This would be fine if, later on in the conversation, he lost his temper. I just find the fact that he's completely calm a bit weird. Even if you'd just said something like, 'He finally said in a calm, but clearly strained tone.' Do you understand what I mean?

“Two years now, we are getting married.”

Gutted...

He finally took his concentration away from the swaying leaves back to his shoes. He had never once noticed the problem with his shoes.

For some strange reason, I'm liking the mention of his shoes. Hm... weird.

The thin spikes from the cold air pierced his tight muscled arms and his chest, which resulted in massive goose bumps all over him.

Isaiah was drunk. After this, he would go home, sleep it off and then forget she ever existed.

This ending seemed a bit drastic to me. Come on, he couldn't have forgotten about her completely?


Overall

I thought that this was pretty good, I must say! Like JFW said, I did feel rather attached to Isaiah and I genuinely felt sorry for him after what happened. I love the name, by the way; Isaiah. It's original, different and very quirky. My kind of name! I definitely think that you portrayed his emotions very well, except for that one time when he was very calm about finding out his girlfriend had been cheating on him. I found that kind of weird. Although the idea of your story is a bit on the cliché side, I think that you wrote it well. There are many stories about cheating lovers and things like that, but I like the way that you've written your version. It was very nice and pretty emotional. As for your grammar, I think that you used it very well. There weren't many grammar errors that I found in this. Another thing that I'm impressed with is your paragraphing in this story. When I reviewed your last piece of work, I noticed that your paragraphing wasn't very good. I can see that, in this story, you have improved! It's still not exactly perfect, but it is ten times better. Your spelling is also very good. In fact, I think that it was flawless.

My main critique for this is your phrasing at times. It might just be me being dumb, but at times, I think that you phrase things kind of awkwardly. Don't worry though, I myself used to be pretty darn bad at phrasing things well. There wee a few areas that I especially found the phrasing awkward. I noted them in my nit-picks. The main problem with phrasing awkwardly is that it interrupts the flow of a story. Without a nice, easy flow in a story, it makes it very awkward to read. Then, if the story is awkward and uncomfortable to read, it puts readers off reading the story itself. Also, when the flow is off and there are some awkward phrases, the reader can get confused. Considering the phrasing is kind of weird, sometimes, the readers aren't sure about what you're actually trying to say. Sometimes, because of that, the reader isn't actually sure about what is going on. As a whole, it shouldn't be too hard to sort out any awkward phrasing. There aren't mountains and mountains of awkward phrasing in this. It's just that, at times, I notice the fact tat I have to stop and think for a while to understand what you are saying or trying to tell me. To be honest, the only way you can improve your phrasing is by practising your writing. When you finish a piece of writing, you should read it out loud. If you do that, you should be able to tell when the flow sounds a bit dodgy.

My only other negative comment is about your dialogue punctuation. Quite often, I had to include a comma into parts of your dialogue where you didn't put one when it was needed. When it comes to dialogue punctuation, it isn't the easiest kind of punctuation at all. In fact, I am absolutely terrible at dialogue punctuation myself. Because of that, I can't really advise you much on how to improve on it. Sorry about that! There is bound to be a good dialogue punctuation thread on YWS somewhere. What you should do is look around the site, find a good thread that gives advice on dialogue punctuation, and hopefully learn on how to improve your dialogue punctuation. I did manage to edit the areas where I was certain that you needed an extra comma, but I probably didn't cover every mistake that you did. Mind you, I might be wrong. You might have made a lot less mistakes than I think you have. I'm terrible at dialogue punctuation, so I wouldn't really know. I am confident in saying that you have made some mistakes though. Sorry I haven't been very helpful on this whole dialogue punctuation thing.

Overall, this story definitely does have potential. You made me feel connected to your MC and it wasn't because he annoyed me. That seems to happen a lot with me! You might have noticed this already, but I like the whole thing about his one shoe being more worn out that the other. I'm really not sure why though. To me, it almost felt as though it was a sign that he'd given up on everything because he was so bothered by something as little and pointless as his shoes. It also gave the impression that he was trying to hide how bothered he was by what had just happened. I don't know, maybe it's just me being weird. All that you need to do now is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said and edit this up a bit. If you do this, you will definitely have a really good story going here!

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Hi there! Sorry i'm not very good at reviews, so i'll just tell you what i thought about your story.
WOW! I really felt bad for Issiah. I had to read the line where she say's how long they have been together for twice. Two years?!!? Wow, he wouldn't feel very good. I really like how you captured his emotions. And i really really like the way you write! The way you described the setting at the start was really great! Everything flowed into one another, the way the leaves moved in the trees, and that breaze then blowing across Issiah's face. Very well written! I really enjoyed it.
Well done

Thank you guys so much for the tips, I will definitely work on the problem areas. I'm glad you liked it.

Opening

Okay so I loved what you have with the opening but then it made the scene that followed so much less dramatic. I wasn't surprised, I had nothing to expect or look forward to. It's always a risky choice to begin with the consequences and then tell the reader how your persona ended up there because it means you give your punch line right at the beginning and have to hope that it's strong enough. This time it wasn't. I found my interest flagging when I realised there wasn't anything beyond the failed proposal.

You don't necessarily have to begin it differently but you need something else to grab the reader's attention, something that's going to give the middle and end a bit more power. Perhaps you could play with the idea that he might be suicidal? Or you could spruce their dialogue up a bit, make that middle part more attention grabbing.

Dialogue

Okay that leads to my second point. I felt that the male was too formal. At first I thought it might just be a bit which is understandable since he's nervous but it carried on and all his lines seemed too stiff and made him a little harder to connect to. I really liked him before he started talking and then I just found him a bit awkward and misfitting.

“My darling Neo, you look lovely,”

“Neo, I too have something to say to you, but ladies first,”

“Neo, what is it?” Isaiah finally withdrew his smile. “Is it a problem at work my love, why are you crying?”

Just a few examples. So he always says Neo. Do you talk like that? When you're holding a conversation with someone, you surely don't say their name every sentence. And... it's just annoying? There's less humanity to him when his speech is so set and neutral. It should at least change after he's found out she's cheated on him. Most people lose any sense of formality they have when their emotions are strained.

I love the way he acts though. The thought processes of thinking about cooking the meal are nice touches and when he thinks to propose to cheer her up, I was egging him on.

The Proposal

Waaaah he doesn't get around to it. I love seeing characters really go through it and I want to see him actually manage the proposal and for there to be that expectancy and then the tears and the confession. I think that's where your build up needs to be, the does he, does he not propose? I'd like to see that meal made, the tension building, stop and start conversation. The both of them beating about the bush, maybe even some every day talking and then for them both to reach the end of their tethers at once and for him to burst into a proposal, the guilt on her face, the awkward silence. Maybe an awkward, 'Well it's a very nice ring' some misunderstanding. Basically I want to see more fireworks and spinning emotions! I want to see him fight for this. I want to see him trying to make it work. Is he perhaps the type to ask, "You could change your mind?" or "What's he got that I haven't?" because there's a third character here behind the scene and I'd personally like to know what our lovable narrator is up against.

I hope this helps a little and feel free to pm me with questions or further requests!

Heather xx