Chapter 1

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I was at home with my brother, Daniel or Danny, our parents were at work and I was getting ready to go out with my friends. Keith had rode home with me and was standing beside the door way. I looked at him and walked away from the dresser to him. He smiled at me and I said “why don’t you go see if Danny needs help with that new video game of his?” Keith said “okay, but you’d better hurry we need to feed.” I nodded and said “I‘ll hurry” “I’ll let you get dressed.” he responded and he left. I got a nice pair of jeans and a nice dark blue shirt I brushed my hair and pulled it up into a bun. I was about to grab my wallet and phone, when my phone rang. I looked at the caller Id; it was Janice. “Hey, girl,” I said when I answered “Sara,” she said “where are you?” I rolled my eyes and said “At home about to leave, you?” I heard people in the background and a little girl whine “but why can’t I go with Jan?” I laughed and Janice said “same here my mom won’t let me leave unless I can get a babysitter!” I laughed again and walked to the living room and said to my brother “Danny, will you baby-sit for Jan?” his eyes flashed to me and back to the screen, he was playing some racing game and was not going to answer until he finished it. So I told Jan that I would call her back and I sat down on the couch that Danny and Keith were sitting on. I whispered to Keith “how many times has he done this race?” Keith laughed and responded “he told me he has raced this one forty eight time’s this is forty nine.” I shook my head as Danny crashed into a wall and cursed. He looked at me and said “um… yea sure I’ll baby-sit.” “Thanks” I said and sent a text to Janice, to Keith I said “you ready?” we all got up and went to outside, sense Janice lived across the street form us Danny went over to her house and she walked over here, we got in my car and I drove to the place where vampires hunt . We hunted for a little while then left to go to Kathy and Markus’ house. We were all going to the mall to buy Mr. Kris, our literature teacher, a birthday gift. Mr. Kris is a vampire and he is very mysterious always talking about magick and witches, He is also British.
I pulled up in Kathy’s driveway and we got out we were met by a small black cat that wined till I petted her. I knocked on the door and Kathy answered welcoming us in seeing that Mat had not meet us at the door I asked Kathy “where’s Markus?” she rolled her eyes and said “he is in his room with that dog of his probably still trying to get dressed.” I walked down the hall to Markus’s room leaving Keith and Kathy in the living room, I knocked on the door Mat barked and Markus asked “who is it?” “Sara.” I answered and laughed as he pulled the door open only wearing pants and shoes. Markus and Kathy are twins but they look nothing alike, Kathy is short and a red head, while Markus is tall, skinny and has dark brown hair with strands of blond, another difference is that Markus is gay and Kathy isn’t. Mat stuck his head around Markus’s legs trying to get by him to me. I asked “are you coming with us?” he grabbed Mat by his collar and pulled him into the room and I followed. Mat jumped on the bed as I sat on it and I pet his head. Markus went to his closet to get a shirt; he came back with a red t-shirt with some band that I am unfamiliar with and a plain blue shirt and asked “which one?” I laughed and pointed at the blue one. He put it on and called Mat. We went to the living room and then we all went to the garage. We were all going in Markus’s van, which looked like it was older than the vampire lord him self. After Markus put Mat in his pen I helped him get his two motorcycles moved so he could back out I helped him push one, even though I could have pushed both on my own. While we pushed them I asked Markus “so when do I get to ride on of these?” he laughed and responded “when I know you won’t wreck it!” I sighed, thinking back to when I had wrecked my last car. Once both bikes were moved we climbed into the van and headed to the mall. The ride was filled with chatter of summer plans and what Mr. Kris would think of his gifts though I did not join in the conversation that much, which was not odd for me, because my mind was somewhere else, I had the feeling that something was wrong call it a premonition but I felt that I should not go home. When we got to the mall Keith took my hand as we walked to different stores and I realized that I was cold and shaking it wasn’t cold in the mall so it was weird seeing as we had just feed I should have been warm, Keith asked looking worried “are you okay?” we were not out of ear shot of everyone so I pulled him into the nearest store and said “I just have a bad feeling about tonight it’s hard to describe.” Keith trusted my strange feeling and said “try, please.” and I responded “I feel like I should not go home like something is there,” I looked at Keith and said “I am truly scared about what will happen.” I shiver ran through me and Keith said “once I get home I will go straight to your house, okay?” I nodded and we walked to the next store where we found everyone I found a blue and black striped tie for Mr. Kris, favorite colors, and Keith found a black shirt that has Mr. Kris’s favorite band on it. When we went to pay Janice asked “where did you go?” I shook my head and paid. The trip back home was pretty much the same. When we got to Keith’s house he kissed my forehead and said bye to every one. I was tired and hoped that Keith would hurry to my house through the back roads. When we arrived at me and Janice’s house we got out and said bye. I waved to Janice and went to my house I noticed a black car like Keith’s sitting in the drive and thought that it was his. I went inside and saw that it was not him it was five other guards that I did not know. When they realized that I was in the room one asked “Are you Sara Johnson?” I nodded wondering what they wanted with me for I was lower class. The one who had spoken said “we are here to inform you that you and Joshua Keith LaVee have broken the law, Joshua has already been arrested you on the other hand will not be arrested but escorted to the king and then imprisoned.” I did not know how either of us could have broken any law. “NO!” I screamed and ran to my room I grabbed my knife as the men busted my door. I punched out my window and jumped out. I put the knife in my pocket and ran to the garage and got into my car, by the time that the guards got outside I was at the other end of the road. I flew down the back roads taking sharp turns and not slowing down. When I got to the house Keith was fighting against the grip two vampires had on him I ran to him, knife in hand before I could help him one of the men let loose of him and came to stand in front of me, to block me from Keith I lashed out at him cutting his arm and chest. The look he gave me was pure hate and I gave him the same look, his arm moved almost like he was going for a gun but his buddy said something in another language and he and I looked to my car where I saw Danny had pulled up into the drive and was not getting out his gun that he had in his back seat. The man in front of me took out his gun and shot at Danny and hit him in the arm. Danny fell to the ground and his shooter ran and picked him up. I ran to them and tried to fight but I was no match for a trained guard, he knocked me to the ground and they left before I could get up. I ran to my car and drove to the one person who I knew would help me, Mr. Kris. As I drove I realized that I was still covered in blood and wondered what Mr. Kris would think when I knocked on his door and it being eleven P.M. when I got to his house I rang the door bell and hoped that I was not waking him. He opened the door and said “Sara what are you…” he did not finish his sentence because he was a mind reader and saw everything I thought. Then he said “Go take a shower I’ll get you some clothes.” I nodded and did as he said. I knew where the bathroom was because I had stayed at his house when I was younger he was my babysitter. I looked in the mirror in the bathroom and saw a scared blood covered girl. I heard a soft knock on the door and said “come in.” Mr. Kris came in and sat some clothes on the shelf and left. I took a short shower because I was tired but also wanted to talk to Mr. Kris. I left my dirty clothes in the hamper in the bathroom and went to the living room. Mr. Kris was in the kitchen and he asked “Would you like some tea?” “No thanks.” I answered I sat on the couch. By the time he came back with his cup of tea I had figured out what I was going to do and I needed his help. “Mr. Kris,” I said, “I would like your help in finding Keith and my brother,” I pause and looked down then quietly I continued, “I need you help.” I looked up again, surprised to see him smiling, “Child,” he said, “Of course I will help you, but we may need more than just you and I.”
I nodded, I had a plan, but would my plan kill everyone I cared about, I hoped not. I knew that Mr. Kris already knew my plan as it flashed through my head. First thing tomorrow, we would get Janice and Markus, and then we would go to Mr. Kris’ storage house to get weapons. Next, on Sunday, the day after tomorrow, we would leave and start the perilous journey from here in Twin city, Georgia to Bandara, an island of vampires, witches, and shape shifters. Bandara is kept secret from humans, and by bringing Markus with me I will have broken a law.
Last edited by Marie15Wicker on Mon Jun 21, 2010 9:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The most beautiful acts and landscapes exist within the recesses of our own minds. Imagination is a crystalline world within a world, and no one can ever destroy it or defile it.




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I started this story a year or two ago and just got back to it.
The most beautiful acts and landscapes exist within the recesses of our own minds. Imagination is a crystalline world within a world, and no one can ever destroy it or defile it.




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Well, first off that whole beging part ruins the story, now one wants to have everything in the story be set before them, it ruins the surprise. And everytime there's a new speeker there needs to be a new paragraph, you can't have two people quoets right next to each other. Putting in block format really makes readers shy away so try to put it into paragraphs, it will make it easier to read.
These lies are leading me astray, it's too much for me to stay. I don't wanna live this destiny, it goes on endlessly. I see you so please stay strong, I'll sing you one last song and then I'm gone. I don't wanna live this destiny, it goes on endlessly.

This love this Hate- Hollywood Undead




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Hey,

Welcome to YWS! As Violet said, the first part completely ruins the story. You just gave us the intro and conflict in five sentences. I can't even read this because the block format is hard on my eyes. I sound like an old lady, xD. Anyway, fix the block and follow Violet's advise then PM me and I'll give this a real review.

~Jasmine Bells

P.S. Right below 'Font Color', there's this blue button called Spell Checker. That is my best friend. I'm now introducing you. :)
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~



“I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables