Young Writers Society

A man
was suspected
to be a criminal.

The man supposedly took a baby
from another man
who was respected internationally
while he was asleep.

This suspected criminal
took the baby from his own crib
in the late of night
on March 1, 1932
from a window that was wide open.

He reached his hands through the wooden bars
of the crib hand-crafted by the baby's father,
love put into every stroke of wood--
his dirty hands wove into the baby's crib
and wrapped around the thin torso,
the baby's soft skin
hot against the man's cold heart.

The man climbed down a ladder
made by a friend
unknown by any spectators,
as there were none.

The man,
he dropped the poor baby
but no one knew.

Did the baby cry?
No one heard it.

His cries would've echoed off the walls of the house,
perhaps the man that dropped him
cringed at the sound
scared that he was going to be caught.

Perhaps the man looked down to find the baby
squirming, no,
writhing in pain below him
as he descended down the ladder.

Maybe the baby died
after his long fall
from his nursery window
that the suspected criminal
climbed into.

I don't think it would've hurt
if the baby fell
and he died instantly.

Maybe it did.

Maybe the baby
suffered in pain
during the long fall from his window
after the man fell--
a tear runs down the child's young face.

Perhaps he doesn't even know this is his death
he thinks he will fall into the arms of his father,
laughing and kicking as he's tickled
but instead is embraced harshly by the ground
wet from dew in the early slur of night and morning.

When the child dies,
a pit of sorrow runs through the man
as he has children at home,
one about the baby's age--
only two,
a toddler with fiery red hair that leaps all over his head.

But then the suspected criminal,
perhaps he thinks of money that the baby will bring
and he continues with whatever plan he had.

Perhaps.
The man
was painfully executed
at 8:44 p.m. on April 3, 1936,
his wife's tears jolting from her face
as she watches him turn an ivory white--
the man was proclaimed dead
at 8:47 p.m.
by electric chair
after a long trial just days before,
in a small town that would've seemed bland
if the trial weren't present.

He was found guilty
for murder
of the first degree.

But what if...

What if it was the wrong man
that died by electric chair on that sad morning
for the murder of a baby
that was dropped from his own
nursery window?

Wouldn't that be murder
of the first degree?

Who, then, would be found
guilty?

...Did it hurt when the man died?
Everyone was watching,
but only he knows.

Perhaps it felt like sitting on a tub
of ice cream.

Hi icanbefixed,

You have a very interesting poem here. You obviously have a good grasp of line breaks and rhythm, and a strong message you want to put across. Unfortunately, I have to say that as a reader I don't find the poem very compelling. Firstly, you've set this up by telling us it's about a book you read. Immediately, we're distanced from the subject: why should we, who have never met you, care about what you've been reading? You've already weakened your message before we know what it is.

Secondly, while I liked the inclusion of the specific dates, I felt it really went on much too long. There was no new content, just a repetition of earlier ideas, which made it somewhat saggy in the middle and further contributed to a loss of interest in the reader (at least, in my case). I also felt some of your wording was a little awkward, particularly in the first two verses ("who was suspected to be a criminal" for example), so you might want to tidy that up.

Overall, there is very little emotion in this poem - it's more like a recitation of facts. You bring up some good points, and some interesting questions, but the problem is that the reader doesn't really connect with it. It's easy to read and then walk away from without any real impact. Perhaps next time you could try using some further literary techniques to draw the reader in. As it is, we just get the feeling that this is just another anti-Death Penalty speech. What you want to do in this case is cause the reader to ask questions, rather than asking questions for/of them.

Hope that helps. Keep writing!

Cheers,
~bubbles

Hello there

Well, I really didn't like this very much mostly because of the lack of connection within it. There was no emotion and it was just bland. Besides that though I liked the idea, it was not that bad. I really have nothing to correct or add on so just consider this as a comment instead.
Keep writing

Hey there fixed!

What I love about this is the rhythm and the subject. It starts off sounding quite bouncy and humerous, it's probably due to the syllable rhythmic vibe. At some points I think you could've controlled it better with a touch more punctuation because the pace gets a bit floppy in the final few tanzas compared with your opening. I enjoyed the introduction of very specific times because I think that created a jokey formality to your writing.

That's why I love this. The subject is something that is essentially dark and horrible, but you've mixed it in with a jolly rhythm and jokey formality as if to contrast the two. In a way it could be reflecting the state of the justice system but I think that would be me reading into it too much.

Anyway sorry I'm not much help, I really liked this!
Keep writing,
Ben

Hey!

Okay. I really like the storyline. And the way you've told it to your reader sort of second-hand... that's brave. I think it could work incredibly well, but you should really try to demonstrate the emotions of the narrator a bit more. It is very matter-of-fact, which makes it difficult for a poetic audience, who are generally emotion-focused people, to relate to the narrator, an apparently problem-focused person. The narrator really ought to be more emotionally involved in the story, if you want your reader to be emotionally involved in the poem.

Maybe the narrator could wonder why the supposed criminal would want to steal a baby? About the reactions of the other man? The supposed criminal's behaviour at the trial?

Also, if I'm right, criminals have the choice of how to die - between an electric chair and hanging, or something similar. Why would this supposed criminal select the electric chair?

Ask yourself questions like these, and work them into the poem. You'll immediately have a change in the way your reader is drawn in, and you'll have a much greater effect.

Well, I hope I helped. If you don't understand me, or have any questions, feel free to drop me a PM and I'll be happy to explain.
~Grin

To me, this reads more like prose than poetry. There's no real poetic symbolism or pattern to it, and that disappointed me. One thing I think you need to do at the moment is drop the needless details. For example, do we really need to know this:

The man
was executed
at 8:44 p.m. on April 3, 1936,
his proclaimed death
at 8:47 p.m.
by electric chair

We don't need to know the time! It's of no use to you as the poet or to us, the readers. Reread this and try your hardest to edit out the parts that aren't absolutely necessary. From there, you can build your poem up again, not with so many details, but with imagery, which is different and infinitely better. Don't get me wrong! Both are good, but you need a balance.

Also, I would suggest a little more poetic way of wording things. Right now you're using full sentences as if you were addressing someone in a coffee shop about last night's news story. Read through some poems (by actual poets) and get an idea as to how you can follow in their footsteps, in that sense. : )

Hi, I'm LastPaladin and I've read this before but the points being made were exactly my thoughts, so thought best not go on. But Nate called me out, so I must beat him XD. Okay, this could have been good but rather than seem what you were aiming for, it came across as to matter of fact. At times it comes across more as a blog entry than a poem overall. And at times loses even that as you begin to preach. It can work but here it comes across as breaking from style where you're recounting and telling it all and seems out of place.

It's not obvious exactly what this poem wants to be, it begins with a pretty interesting premise then flies off handle as it begins to preach which is unexpected in bad way. So what you need to do, is take this and rethink what you wanted to say.

Hope this helped.

Hi Fixed!

Well, that was an interesting article, where's the poem? There's no imagery, at all. I'm pretty sure none of us can imagine a baby being dropped from a window.

Your listing off facts for us, so we don't get a grasp of how you're feeling, how we're supposed to be feeling. Your reader needs guidance, how are they supposed to feel? Indifference is not an emotion you want them to leave with. It's the easiest one to get out of your reader, and in the end, that's how they feel about your poem. How are we supposed to feel towards this man? Sad, horrified, angry? To the baby? Sad, woeful, grieving, at loss?

Develop those feelings in your reader using imagery. You want us to feel sad? well what did the baby look like after it died? Maybe an old doll in the attic, that you pulled out of a box.

If you use images that are connected to a certain emotion allows the reader to feel something because they can picture it as if it was real.

Jesus Christ I've been repeating myself a lot O.o Also, avoid sterile, journalist/factual words. They just aren't interesting and don't communicate anything to the reader.

Good luck

Kamas

hey there!

So, this is an okay poem. It's clean, easy to read, and to the point. It's best point is the emotion. You feel sad when you read it, and that's good (well... you know what I mean). However, it's got nothing particularly creative about it. It's just basically saying: "Hey. I read a book about a guy who stole a baby and was condemned to the electric chair. This makes me sad, because what if he was innocent?"
To that I would say: "Well... that's too bad. Bye." And that's sort of like this poem. Make it your own! Add your own experience, and tell us how you felt about that. You have the skill, as you show here. Prove it!

Keep writing!

-Dreamy

Actually, I think generally what was lacking in this poem was emotion.

Your sense of rhythm was clipped and sure, which for this particular subject may be a poor choice. It seems to me that you are creating an atmosphere that is cold and analytical, which would be effective only if we were connected to the characters. It seems to me that because we have no backstory--no completed understanding of the people involved--the intended effect is lost in the sterility of your narrative.

A poem is just like a story: sometimes you need to ensure that your poem flows. Not just rhythmically, but the story itself should have changes in pace as it unwinds. It seems to me that this is all written in the same short, monochromatic style. There is no feeling in the words, which are simplistic (though exact). It seems to me as though it was a newspaper article divided into sections, with little artistry to distinguish it as a work of art.

It is a subject with definite potential, and one that perhaps you could turn into a passionate piece with a little work. This is a good place to start! =)

A bit dark though it seems quite suitable should the reader permit.
You did a great job telling this story through your poetry though the imagery is not top of the line your writing style and presentation was spot on!
Great work with this and keep writing!
-Dawn

Hey! I'm sorry it took so long to get back on to this.

Okay. This is definitely improved, and pulled me in much more powerfully. But the first sign I saw of this was the fourth stanza - you need to have a compelling start, because it's that first stanza that calls out to your readers. Maybe there's some way you can elaborate a little, just enough to touch the heart of your readers to make them want to read on.

Your ending, though, ran chills down my spine. It's so wonderfully scary, and I absolutely love it. You've injected a lot more emotion into the in-between stanzas, as well, and that makes it a lot better.

Still, I can't decide whether I love or hate the "Maybe" and "Perhaps" words that keep popping up. It's good to remind the reader that this is a second- or third-hand experience, and that it's all just speculation, but at the same time they sort of pull the reader out of it a little.

You might be able to throw in an "Of course, this is all just speculation" stanza after

Who, then, would be found
guilty?

I'm not sure if it would work, but it would probably be better than those scattered "What if"s.

I hope that helped. Again, please drop me a PM if there's anything I can help with.
~Grin