Young Writers Society

Jars of Stars

That night, you brought down
so many stars for me
that I needed golashes
and my blue umbrella.
Now, these tiny specks of light
stored in your Mason jar
are better than
a thousand fireflies or
even the moon,
because you’ve shown me
that within these stars
are the many galaxies
we can escape to,
just you and me.

But time is the key factor
that seems to keep us apart,
and it seems, no matter how many
jars of stars I have from you ,
none of them will return us
to that night of holding hands
and wading through dreams
and mists of possibility.



Revision of an old poem

OK, I really, REALLY like this, with some minor adjustments it would be incredible. I love the imagery and the personalization of the language and images in it.

yoha_ahoy wrote:Jars of Stars

That night, you brought down < There is something about how many words/the words used here that is a little stilted for me, not sure what it is though, so if you can see anything, ignore.
so many stars for me
that I needed golashes
and my blue umbrella. < Grah this is so cute and adorable and the *exact* amount of detail needed for a memory.
Now, these tiny specks of light < This has too many words in it, muddling up your flow something fierce. I'd suggest merely removing "tiny" because if they get stored in a jar, I think we know they're little and we can see them perfectly already.
stored in your Mason jar < I don't know what a Mason jar is, but I thought it would be stone or... something. >.> I like this all the same! don't change it. Although I've thought about this again and maybe take out "your" and have "a"? But this is only on the condition that you include the line suggested next, if you don't include that, don't do this.
are better than < I don't like this because of the line break, the line is ick on its own. I would suggest having here, "under your bed," because... I'm not sure. I just like the detail. xD This is personal, feel free to ignore.
a thousand fireflies or < Line breaks here are ugly and counter productive. You would do better with "better than a thousand/fireflies, even the moon.
even the moon, < See above.
because you’ve shown me < Take out "because" - you rarely need such qualifiers ( right word for those? probably not the technical word, but it's the right word. )
that within these stars < Remove this line.
are the many galaxies <remove "are the many", keep galaxies and add the next line to it.
we can escape to, < add to above line.
just you and me. < I would suggest swapping "you and me" to the reverse, only because it reads smoother for me, this may be a personal thing.

But time is the key factor
that seems to keep us apart,
and it seems, no matter how many < repetition of seems. Remove "it seems"
jars of stars I have from you , < move the comma in, I'd suggest removing "from you", unless she's been getting stars from other places... and then it's cool.
none of them will return us
to that night of holding hands < Murgh. I like from here down but I also dislike it. It's too much detail for me, too specific in one way. I don't like the repeated "and" here. I want to suggest changing the last two lines to "-through waded dreams/and misting possibility." because it's simpler, but I'm worried it will change your meaning. My best suggestion is then to just read over these lines and double check what you think you can lose without damaging your image too badly.
and wading through dreams
and mists of possibility.



Revision of an old poem

Bootyscoot!

I leap upon this, as you haven't posted in ages, it feels. I wasn't going to quote and scribble line by line things, but as I typed I got to a point where I was like "man, I just want to show you where your problem areas are!" so I have done so in lovely violet.

I like this because it has imagery, and because I can feel how amazing it is. The emotion seeps in between the lines and tickles the tips of my fingers. But, you're missing all kinds of flow here. It's stilted and your line breaks are doing horrible things to how the poem can be read. Instead of reading this and sinking into a starless night - because the darling stole all the stars for her - I sit on the top of the moon and slowly sink to the earth with it.

The second section of the first stanza is weak compared to splendid opening lines, as you can see through all the pink. Don't be too scared off by all the colour, it's mostly cosmetic issues and your meaning is such a splendid one I wouldn't change it at all. I think this poem could be awesome, you just have to tighten it up a little and paste over the cracks.

Hit me up if you change it, yeah?
*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Hey Yoha!

I love the simplicity and clear emotion here, and since Pengu has already given you sure a thorough critique, I'm just going to say a couple of things. First and foremost, I agree with her about many of the line breaks. It seems like you're trying to separate each idea and image line by line, and that's causing the flow to be choppy and less fluid. If you wrap some of the phrases around the lines, allowing an image to spill over here or there, it'll help keep everything smooth.

Next, on a partially related note, all of your images and very...self-contained. There's one line of description and then the idea is over, without you touching on it again or connecting it back to the rest of the poem. You begin to tie themes together with the galoshes in the beginning and the wading in the end, but other than that bit most of your imagery is fleeting. If you take the extra step and connect your pictures, it'll feel less like a slide-show and more like a movie. Two images in particular that I'd love to see explored are the mention of the moon and the mention of the "key" factor. I feel like there is a lot of hidden meaning behind each of those phrases.

Lastly, the overarching metaphor. Stars. The rhyme of "jars of stars" is wonderful just in itself, but I like the image it conjures as well. One thing I'm confused about, however, is what the stars are supposed to represent! The jars of stars are the core of the poem, and while I think they're used very effectively, it's not clear what they stand for. You say that they're galaxies to escape to, but what does that have to do with galoshes and umbrellas? What does that have to do with fireflies or the moon or misty possibilities? This is my previous point, again; tie everything together. Make this poem not only pretty and striking, but also cohesive. Like Pengu said, too many cracks! But once those are filled in this will be lovely.

Best of luck, keep writing, and PM me for anything!

~Evi

Thanks you, my darling Peng, and madame President. I will definitely take some of your suggestions. The movie rather than slide show technique is the perfect way of describing my issue here. I'll revise again... eventually. Thanks!

~Yoyo

GAH! Did I mention how much I loved your poetry? The first four lines are UTTERLY ADORABLE. I mean, how cute can you possibly get?

*flails in cuteness*

I think the first four lines are the best (followed by the last three lines). However, the poem seems a bit... like you're trying to explain too much, if that makes sense? It seems a bit wordy, in any case. So you should definitely follow Penguin's advice! She's awesome and stuff.

But yeah. Useless critique, but I just wanted to squee over your beginning. Lovely!

Hey there!

I really liked the first four lines. They were, to me, the highlight of the entire poem. So beautiful--all in four wonderful lines! Eek! XD.

But, like Snoink said, I felt like you were trying to tell us a little too much. You went on and on explaining, and sometimes, some things don't need and explanation. However, this was still very nice.

-Mizz

This poem is short, sweet, and absolutely wonderful. I loved every bit of it, and like Mizz, I think the first four lines are the best. They pulled me in, because they are different and sweet. The imagery here is great, and it gives the whole piece a "magical" touch. Great work!