Exit, Stage Left.

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Kill it.
~~~~~

Lights

Girl stands alone. Up, she looks to a noise.
No.

Lights up.
Boy stands with girl, center. He looks left, she looks right. They face one another.
He smiles.
She does not.
No.

Again.

Curtain up. Lights full.
NO.

Again.

Lights up, tentative. Silence.
An empty stage.
Enter boy, stage left. Girl, right. They look to each other.
Stop.
Consider.
Good.

Continue.
They look to each other. He smiles.
She does not.
Quick fade.
Lights up.
Girl enters from trap, laughing.

No.
Girl enters left, laughing.
NO!
Boy enters, laughing.
Special on boy, autumn gobo. Girl enters from trap. Frowning.

Good.

She speaks.
He starts. He is agitated.

No.

He laughs again.
Yes. Continue.

She smiles. Blackout.
Main rag down. Girl enters right, addresses audience.
Boy interrupts. They fight. He hits her.

No.

They fight. She slaps him.

No.

They fight. They make up. They kiss?

Sure.

They kiss. Music swells. They dance a waltz. Fade to black.
Main rag up. Lights up. They enter, hand in hand.
She is melancholy, he is despondent.

No.

She is melancholy, he is enjoying the stroll.
They sit center. He tickles her. They play. He grins. She frowns. Blackout.
Lights up. She is alone, center. Smiling.

No.
Again.

She is alone, down center. She cries.
Up, a noise draws her attention. She stands, an ancient ritual.
She moves to exit, right. A whistle off left. She addresses the audience.

Exit, stage left

Fade to black.

Good.
Last edited by Galatea on Mon Jan 09, 2006 7:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Sing lustily and with a good courage. Beware of singing as if you were half dead, or half asleep; but lift up your voice with strength.




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Wow, I really liked this. It sounds like last years play. Everything was always changing and the teacher wouldeither shout good or bad at us.

I don't really have any corrections for you to make, I really enjoyed reading it however :).




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Oooo, Gal I really enjoyed this. Especially how I could see everything as if it was on stage. My favorite part was the girl's lines at the end. Bravo.

CL
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

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I liked it but did not really understand. They don't want the girl to be happy? But the boy can be?
Adults are just obsolete children, and to hell with them!
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I liked this a lot. I don't know...maybe it was just the feel of it. How you were always slashing and reprising and flxing it, making it change constantly. I didn't like the lines at the end. it was better without them, although it made for a strong ending...I don't know something was wrong with it.




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I changed the end a little bit. Does that help, Misty? I was never satisfied with it myself.
Sing lustily and with a good courage. Beware of singing as if you were half dead, or half asleep; but lift up your voice with strength.




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I had to reread it to understand it better, but I did like it. It reminds me of that little play I did. XD The director just couldn't come up with what she wanted. Yeah... so good. And the ending looks fine.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

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Ooh I enjoyed that. I think perhaps I would've liked more ellaboration on "addresses the audience". But I just enjoyed the style.
Oh the trees!
Take me back to London please!!!




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Mmmhmm. Lovely, darling. One thing that kind of stood out to me:

"Up, a noise draws her attention. She stands, as in an ancient ritual. "

That bit seems out of place, being a sole metaphor among plain description. I don't know, but it stuck out to me especially.

Other than that, this poem had me totally mesmerized me from start to finish. Wonderful!
"A poet in love is best encouraged in both capacities or neither." ~ Jane Austen, Emma.




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So it's a play. I finally understood what you wrote. It's kinda funny, ahaha
Courage may blossom in quiet hearts,
For who can tell where bravery starts?
For truth is a song, oft lying unsung




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Very interesting, Gal. I'm not sure if you intended this as a metaphor or not, but the play seemed to double as the story of a relationship as well as working on a scene in a play. Things go well, but then they're not unfolding the way they were supposed to, so the actors have to try again.

The short lines and sentences were particularly effective, I think, because they show how quickly things move when you're rehearsing a play and it reminded me why I was always wiped after play practice when I still did community theater. :P

Very nice.
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Very intresting, like how the narrator is alway changing their mind. It's just like human nature to never be satisfied. The style is very good. It was a little confusing but I liked it. I really don't have anything bad to say about it...
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. - Jules de Gaultier




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I really enjoyed reading this...it's simple enough in the way it's written to be read with flow, but not in an immature way - it has a good mix of emotions...and..stuff....I really can't say much more about it, to be honest :roll: Sorry! But I did really, really like this.
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....And I still don't know what SPEW is....




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Featured poem?! *blushes*

Skye, I modified that metaphor at the end. I think it fits better now. You were right, it's a little too floaty for the frankness of the piece.

Thanks to everyone who replied. But seriously, tear it to bits.
Sing lustily and with a good courage. Beware of singing as if you were half dead, or half asleep; but lift up your voice with strength.




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Impossible, sweetie :wink:
www.myspace.com/prettytorture
felicitypepper@hotmail.co.uk

Big up the YWS Massive!

....And I still don't know what SPEW is....



I don't care what the miserable excuse is for showing the death of books, live, on screen. Men, I could understand; but books! -
— Edwin Morgan, From the Video Box 2