Dream

i dream of a man
whose hopes never end
of love that wont cost
a sweet bitter sin

flames that dont dim
no pieces to be glued
or tightening the lynch
for my lie to conclude

the devils obscurity
slowly taking heed
deminishing my life
for my simple greed

i dream of a man
whose life is just
with a face of an angel
and unkindly lust

no plagues to ravage
my heart into fear
of memories fading
with each solemn tear

a wanderer i shall be

Hi Mon Ange,

There's a lot of fat-trimming that needs to be done here, and a lot of bridges that need to be established. There is so much in the way of revision that I doubt the piece is worth saving. Have a look to the suggestions below and see if it is not stronger for the changes.


Dream


"I dream of a man
whose hopes never end[:]
of love that won[']t cost
a [bitter-sweet] (sweet bitter) sin[.]"

****I don't understand how the first two lines go with the last two. Is it the man's love? Or just love that won't cost you anything? The ambiguity needs to be clarified.****

"Flames that don[']t dim[,]
no pieces to be glued,
or tightening the lynch
for my lie to conclude[.]"

****This is near incomprehensible. It does not reveal to me what the "bitter-sweet sin" of the first stanza is, nor does it seem to have a general direction at all. "Flames that don't dim" is nonsensical; "no pieces to be glued" makes me wonder what flames have to do with puzzles; "tightening the lynch" is senseless -- you cannot "tighten" that which is unlawful; "lie to conclude" is another random interjection, with no forerunner. You may benefit from an entire removal of this stanza.****

"The devil[']s obscurity[,]
slowly taking heed[,]
[diminishing] (deminishing) my life
[to] (for) my simple greed[.]"

****Again, this has no relevance to any other stanza. A poem is a fluid piece, yes: it digresses, moves, shakes, floats; however, a fluid must be all one, as well.****

"I dream of a man"

***Why do you dream of a man? Why not a WOman? Or an angel, since he has the "face of" one?****

"whose life is just[,]
with [the] (a) face of an angel
and unkindly lust[.]"

****"lust" and "angel" do not go together. "Unkindly lust" has me wondering about the "just" life the man lives. Does this mean he is a rapist? Or is it the angel? To whom is "unkindly lust" attributed? Without punctuation, we will never know.****

"No plagues to ravage
my heart into fear
of memories fading
with each solemn tear[.]"

****When you think "poetry," think "fluid: a body of mass that has interconnected molecules that flow." Your poem has no fluidity, no rigidity -- just fragmentation. The first two lines need better enjambment: "No plagues to ravage" sounds as though you want to ravage a plague, but then, reading on, it says, "(ravage /) my heart into fear," and I ask, "How does a plague have anything to do with the rest of the piece? How does a plague 'ravage' your 'heart into fear'? These are whimsical inanities."****

"A wanderer I shall be[.]"

****No relevance to any other portion of this poem.****



Good luck!