The Boy with the Sight

The Boy with the Sight ~ Sec. 1 Ver. 2


The page had stayed its white tan color, the edges failing to curl up at the end with the touch of time and the fact of being rolled up into a scroll and stuffed in a cubby hole inside a mountain for a thousand years. My hands tentatively touched the old paper, careful not to rip or rub my hands too roughly on it. Wind poured through the one hole in the cave, and I grasped the writings closer to my chest, hoping it wouldn't begin to rain like Natich predicted.

For a second the hideaway was empty and completely and eerily silent. I sighed half-heartedly, knowing the thrill and awe of the Finding was over, and began to walk back outside. Carefully I rolled up the scroll again and placed it into the capsule from my bag. I sealed the cap and put it into the duffel for good measure, even though I knew nothing would happen to it. The capsule itself was spell-protected. Making it water, sun, and any other damage that could come to it resistant. It was perfect for my job, and I always thanked my father for leaving it to me.

I threw the duffel over my head and started out, the ancient cave silent behind me. Without a glance back I started down the worn trail that led to a forest, then to a familiar road that would lead me directly to the rest of my team. For a while it was quiet except my thumping footsteps, but then a wet drop fell onto my nose. It didn't make much sound, but I knew what was coming. Few seconds later more rain thundered down until a full down pour was around me.

"Great Natich, you were right," I said.

I raised my head, arching it backwards so the rain fell directly onto my face. It felt good, but that didn't mean I welcomed it. Now everything in my bag would get soaked. Great, all my books and maps ruined. But I could replace them anywhere, and would with the money I'd get for the scroll. Still, it was unnecessary. I kept walking, but grudgingly, wishing I was a spell weaver like Natich, then I could protect my things, and be teleporting right now into the middle of out temporary headquarters. But no, I was stuck walking for miles until i found it.

"Just great."

The scenery changed soon, and I was on the road into the village of Omanask. Suspicious people, but welcoming if you proved you were trustworthy. Few remained out on a day like this, but the ones that did waved to me as I entered their little village. When I was at the heart of the town a small redhead waved in my direction from a large shack. I sighed, reluctantly returning the wave. Her bright white smile practically glowed up the-- I looked up to find the sky too dark to tell if Morning, Afternoon, or Evening.

"Teron!" she ran out at me, waving her hands in weird gestures, and her lips moving to make words I couldn't comprehend, but soon the rain stopped hitting my back, and I felt the weird sensation as her spell weaving rushed over me, leaving in its wake warm air and a floral scent.

"I told you so," came out of her mouth as soon as she was in arm's length, "I told you it was going to be a downpour, but you insisted you had to get to the creepy mountain cave today. Not tomorrow. Oh no that was too good for the Treasure Hunting Extraordinaire! Not even a few hours so the storm would pass. It had to be now." She laughed a high tinkling sound, and I drew closer to her unconsciously.

"Oh no you don't. I'm not wet and I have no intention of getting my clothes drenched because of your arrogance."

I laughed at her dramatic words. That way she acted you'd think I had the biggest head in all of Uralganoa.

"I am not that bad. And I'm not a treasure hunter either. I am a locator of lost or hidden literature. And you didn't specify when it would rain or when it would stop. So don't blame that on me!" I swiped at her shoulder, but she danced away, leading me into the shelter of out home-away-from home. With a few twitches of her hand and words the shield keeping the water from me disappeared.

But then a stream of water form the roof fell onto my head, sending ice cold water into my clothes. I shivered, but held back a groan. Turning to glare at Natich the little jerk.

"Thanks," I said sarcastically. She grinned manically.

"You're welcome."

At that moment a large man with greying hair stepped out form the shack.

"Oh there you are Teron. Took you long enough. Find the scroll?" I nodded, and took out the capsule, waving it in front of his face.

"I see it, I see it boy. No need to rub it in my face." he whispered another choice words under his breath but I didn't press for them.

"Yeah, see Uncle Yayo was worried Teron." Natich laughed. I grinned, letting the old man grimace and mutter a little more.

"You brats are going to drive me insane."

"More than you already are?" I taunted.

"What? Not bad enough I'm almost blind and deaf in one ear? Gonna poke the dead rat with a stick?" he grumbled. I just laughed, and continued on my way into the shack. Every place I went to look for more hidden or lost literature these guys followed. Natich because I managed to get her out of a tough spot with the law in another town. And Yayo because...well he said he was a friend of my dad's but I've never seen him before.

The shack wasn't anything to see inside, it didn't need to be. It was just a temporary stay, and since I'd already found the scroll; we'd be gone by morning.

"So did you check the scroll?" I turned to see Yayo leaning against the wall.

"Nope." I replied. Natich was still outside and I wondered what she could be doing.

"Huh, and who funded this little treasure hunt again?" I sighed exasperatedly.

"Okay, for one, it's not a treasure hunt. For two it was Davina Herch. Yes, I know you think her the devil's spawn, but really, she's fine." I sighed.

Yayo grunted, and stomped off toward his room. I sighed again, I'd finally found the scroll. A feat that had taken me a record breaking two months, and now Yayo was off to pout, and Natich was in one of her moods. I went to my room in the shack, which Natich had modified to accommodate the three of us comfortably without actually taking up the space in our dimension.

I took off my black cloak, black shirt, and black pants, ready to change into another set of black cloak, shirt, and pants. I dried off with a towel and hurriedly dressed, ready for some dinner. I tried to at least mess with my black hair a little, but it lay in its messy heap on my head. It wasn't like I had anything to boast about in the looks category, but I still liked to look my best. That brought a smile to my face, it was a joke around here that I managed to always look as scruffy and rough as possible. But hey, you are what you are.

"Teron! Get over here, Natich is almost done with dinner." I groaned. If Natich was making dinner I was better off going hungry.

"You heard me boy! Get in this kitchen! We have much to discuss!"

"I'm coming Yayo!" I yelled back.

"Hurry up, the stew's getting cold!"

I wrinkled my nose--stew was one of Natich's more nastier meals.

"Teron--"

"I'm coming!" I left my room, and entered the kitchen, preferring to breathe through my mouth rather than nose. Her cooking was nasty to the tongue, stomach, and nose. Natich stood above the table spooning stew into three bowls. She smiled and handed me a spoon, I tried to not look too disgusted.

As soon as I took a seat, I tried to dispose of my meal by giving it to the cat, Neferal. He had the cunning habit of turning up around dinner time. But Yayo stopped me before I could.

"So Herch didn't say anything about what the scroll was about?"I dropped my spoon in my bowl. Why couldn't he just let it go. Couldn't he just trust my judgement on my clients?

"No, she did not. Only that she'd like her privacy. Are you going to leave this alone Yayo, or could you stop beating around the bush."

The old man smiled with his eyes closed.

"Fine. I'm just wondering about the contents of the item since she didn't' go get it herself, or send one of her lackeys to get it."

I frowned, the idea had come to mind before, but I'd ignored it, taking it for a stroke of luck.

"I think there's something in that scroll that she wants to know, but doesn't want anyone else to know." Yayo finished. It was silent a moment, then I spoke.

"What does it matter Yayo? I've gotten more suspicious things for more shady people."

Yayo folded his hands on the table.

"But this is a Herch Teron, you know the Laketas--"

"Oh don't start with the family superstitions. I'm not even sure you're related to me. And even if you are, it doesn't mean they're true."

"Still, one doesn't come up with something like that from their imagination. Something had to be wrong with the Herchs. Otherwise why would your ancestors--"

"Just drop it, okay?" I settled back down, realizing I'd stood up, my hands slammed into the table. Yayo nodded, but I knew he'd be talking to me again. It was quiet again as we ate our meal, or, in my case, fed it to Neferal. When dinner was over I rinsed my bowl in the sink, and retreated into my room. But not before Yayo stopped me.

"I just want to make sure that we aren't stepping into a dangerous waters without being able to see to the bottom of the ocean."

I just grunted and took my bag to my room, taking a candle with me. It stunk hanging out in one of these villages. No electricity, purely old style. Where was the modern technology?

As soon as the door was safely closed, I zipped open my duffel, and exposed the capsule. Usually I never opened one after securing the object, but maybe just this once? I reached and popped the seal open. Drawing out the scroll and unfurling it. The writing on it was mostly just scribbles and seemingly nonsense. And it was at first, but when I started to concentrate and I began to read the letters and words on the page; eyes adjusting to my use of The Sight. An ability that allowed me to see through most illusions and read every language, it came in handy with my line of work.

As my eyes swept over the page, my panic grew.

"Oh my gods." I let out. This was major, this was...this was above the family's major, this was...it was CONCIL major.

"Oh my--Yayo! Yayo! come in here! You were--" but then the door burst open. A figure cloaked in black with a fiery mask that hid his face broke in. I froze. He had Natich in a choke hold with one of his hands pointing at her face, the fingers sparking. I turned to look for Yayo, he wouldn't have gone down without a fight.

"The old man's unavailable at the moment. And if you're not careful the little miss will be too. Now hand over the scroll." I numbly hid the scroll behind my back, hoping he hadn't seen it, but the man just laughed behind his mask, and reached for it. When the sleeve of his cloak raised I gasped. A black tattoo of a raven spewing out flames circled his wrist.

It was the symbol of the Herch. I had been betrayed.

Hey! LxTMidnight, here to critique your story. Nuff small-talk, I'll start...


First of, I should start by saying that when I read anything, I take a look at the first few words. If I am not totally drawn in, I read the last words, and then decide whether or not I want to read. The fact that I'm reviewing at all means that you've captured my very short attention span, which is a feat in itself.

The page stayed its white tan color, the edges failing to curl up at the end with the touch of time and the fact of being rolled up into a scroll and stuffed in a cubby hole inside a mountain for a thousand years. &Had Stayed rather than stayed, unless something happened right at THAT moment that would possibly make it turn colors. Or, could I suggest had kept?& My hands tentatively touched the literature, careful not to rip or rub my hands too roughly on it. &This is more of a personal thing, but literature doesn't seem like a word you can touch or feel. I mean, it's correct and everything, but when I read I felt like I was trying to reach out and touch science or something.& Wind poured through the one hole in the cave, and I grasped the writings closer to my chest, hoping it wouldn't begin to rain like Natich predicted.

For a second the hideaway was empty and completely and eerily silent. I sighed half-heartedly, knowing the thrill and awe of the Finding was over, and began to walk back outside. Carefully I rolled up the scroll again and placed it into the capsule from my bag. I sealed the cap and put it into the duffel for good measure, even though I knew nothing would happen to it. The capsule itself was spell-protected. Making it water, sun, and any other damage that could come to it resistant. It was perfect for my job, and I always thanked my father for leaving it to me.

I threw the duffel over my head and started out, the ancient cave rumbling behind me. Without a glance back I started down the worn trail that led to a forest, then to a familiar road that would lead me directly to the rest of my team. For a while it was quiet except my thumping footsteps, but then a wet drop fell onto my nose. It didn't make much sound, but I knew what was coming. Few seconds later more rain thundered down until a full down pour was around me. &Why is the cave rumbling? Spent the paragraph waiting for an explanation rather than focusing on the story.&

"Great Natich, you were right," I said.

I raised my head up (I'd eliminate "up"), arching it backwards so the rain fell directly onto my face. It felt good, but that didn't mean I welcomed it. Now everything in my bag would get soaked. Great, all my books and maps ruined. But I could replace them anywhere, and would with the money I'd get for the scroll. Still, it was unnecessary. I kept walking, but grudgingly, wishing I was a spell weaver like Natich, then I could protect my things, and be teleporting right now into the middle of out temporary headquarters. But no, I was stuck walking for miles until i found it.

"Just great."

The scenery changed soon, and I was on the road into the village of Omanask. Suspicious people, but welcoming if you proved you were trustworthy. Few remained out on a day like this, but the ones that did waved to me as I entered their little village. When I was at the heart of the town a small redhead waved in my direction from a large shack. I sighed, reluctantly returning the wave. Her bright white smile practically glowed up the-- I looked up to find the sky too dark to tell if Morning, Afternoon, or Evening.

"Teron!" she ran out at me, waving her hands in weird gestures, and her lips moving to make words I couldn't comprehend, but soon the rain stopped hitting my back, and I felt the weird sensation as her spell weaving rushed over me, leaving in its wake warm air and a floral scent.

"I told you so," came out of her mouth as soon as she was in arm's length, "I told you it was going to be a downpour, but you insisted you had to get to the creepy mountain cave today. Not tomorrow. Oh no that was too good for the Treasure Hunting Extraordinaire! Not even a few hours so the storm would pass. It had to be now." She laughed a high tinkling sound, and I drew closer to her unconsciously.

"Oh no you don't. I'm not wet and I have no intention of getting my clothes drenched because of your arrogance."

I laughed at her dramatic words. That way she acted you'd think I had the biggest head in all of Uralganoa.

"I am not that bad. And I'm not a treasure hunter either. I am a locator of lost or hidden literature. And you didn't specify when it would rain or when it would stop. So don't blame that on me!" I swiped at her shoulder, but she danced away, leading me into the shelter of out home-away-from home. With a few twitches of her hand and words the shield keeping the water from me disappeared.

But then a stream of water form the roof fell onto my head, sending ice cold water into my clothes. I shivered, but held back a groan. Turning to glare at Natich, the little jerk.

"Thanks," I said sarcastically. She grinned manically.

"You're welcome."

At that moment a large man with greying hair stepped out form the shack.

"Oh there you are Teron. Took you long enough. Find the scroll?" I nodded, and took out the capsule, waving it in front of his face.

"I see it, I see it boy. No need to rub it in my face." he whispered another choice words under his breath but I didn't press for them.

"Yeah, see Uncle Yayo was worried Teron." Natich laughed. I grinned, letting the old man grimace and mutter a little more.

"You brats are going to drive me insane."

"More than you already are?" I taunted.

"What? Not bad enough I'm almost blind and deaf in one ear? Gonna poke the dead rat with a stick?" he grumbled. I just laughed, and continued on my way into the shack. Every place I went to look for more hidden or lost literature these guys followed. Natich because I managed to get her out of a tough spot with the law in another town. And Yayo because...well he said he was a friend of my dad's but I've never seen him before.

The shack wasn't anything to see inside, it didn't need to be. It was just a temporary stay, and since I'd already found the scroll; we'd be gone by morning.

"So did you check the scroll?" I turned to see Yayo leaning against the wall.

"Nope." I replied. Natich was still outside and I wondered what she could be doing.

"Huh, and who funded this little treasure hunt again?" I sighed exasperatedly.

"Okay, for one, it's not a treasure hunt. For two it was Davina Herch. Yes, I know you think her the devil's spawn, but really, she's fine." I sighed.

Yayo grunted, and stomped off toward his room. I sighed again, I'd finally found the scroll. A feat that had taken me a record breaking two months, and now Yayo was off to pout, and Natich was in one of her moods. I went to my room in the shack, which Natich had modified to accommodate the three of us comfortably without actually taking up the space in our dimension.

I took off my black cloak, black shirt, and black pants, ready to change into another set of black cloak, shirt, and pants. I dried off with a towel and hurriedly dressed, ready for some dinner. I tried to at least mess with my black hair a little, but it lay in its messy heap on my head. It wasn't like I had anything to boast about in the looks category, but I still liked to look my best. That brought a smile to my face, it was a joke around here that I managed to always look as scruffy and rough as possible. But hey, you are what you are.

"Teron! Get over here, Natich is almost done with dinner." I groaned. If Natich was making dinner I was better off going hungry.

"You heard me boy! Get in this kitchen! We have much to discuss!"

"I'm coming Yayo!" I yelled back.

"Hurry up, the stew's getting cold!"

I wrinkled my nose---stew was one of Natich's more nastier meals.

"Teron--"

"I'm coming!" I left my room, and entered the kitchen, preferring to breathe through my mouth rather than nose. Her cooking was nasty to the tongue, stomach, and nose. Natich stood above the table spooning stew into three bowls. She smiled and handed me a spoon, I tried to not look too disgusted.

As soon as I took a seat, I tried to dispose of my meal by giving it to the cat, Neferal. He had the cunning habit of turning up around dinner time. But Yayo stopped me before I could.

"So Herch didn't say anything about what the scroll was about?"I dropped my spoon in my bowl. Why couldn't he just let it go. Couldn't he just trust my judgement on my clients?

"No, she did not. Only that she'd like her privacy. Are you going to leave this alone Yayo, or could you stop beating around the bush."

The old man smiled with his eyes closed.

"Fine. I'm just wondering about the contents of the item since she didn't' go get it herself, or send one of her lackeys to get it."

I frowned, the idea had come to mind before, but I'd ignored it, taking it for a stroke of luck.

"I think there's something in that scroll that she wants to know, but doesn't want anyone else to know." Yayo finished. It was silent a moment, then I spoke.

"What does it matter Yayo? I've gotten more suspicious things for more shady people."

Yayo folded his hands on the table.

"But this is a Herch Teron, you know the Laketas--"

"Oh don't start with the family superstitions. I'm not even sure you're related to me. And even if you are, it doesn't mean they're true."

"Still, one doesn't come up with something like that from their imagination. Something had to be wrong with the Herchs. Otherwise why would your ancestors--"

"Just drop it, okay?" I settled back down, realizing I'd stood up, my hands slammed into the table. Yayo nodded, but I knew he'd be talking to me again. It was quiet again as we ate our meal, or, in my case, fed it to Neferal . When dinner was over I rinsed my bowl in the sink, and retreated into my room. But not before Yayo stopped me.

"I just want to make sure that we aren't stepping into a dangerous waters without being able to see to the bottom of the ocean."

I just grunted and took my bag to my room, taking a candle with me. It stunk hanging out in one of these villages. No electricity, purely old style. Where was the modern technology?

As soon as the door was safely closed, I zipped open my duffel, and exposed the capsule. Usually I never opened one after securing the object, but maybe just this once? I reached and popped the seal open. Drawing out the scroll and unfurling it. The writing on it was mostly just scribbles and seemingly nonsense. And it was at first, but when I started to concentrate and I began to read the letters and words on the page. This ability was called the Sight. A power to see clearly through most illusions and lies with a little premonition (though just a smudge), also coming with it the ability to read every language, though I couldn't speak them. &No readers that I know like to have fantasy abilities thrown at them in one impossible, hard-to-swallow gulp---it takes them out of the story, in a bad way. That being said, I like the way you worked it in here, although I'm sure it could be a bit more...inconspicuous. Or not; this is just a personal nitpick, after all.&

As my eyes swept over the page, my panic grew.

"Oh my gods," I let out. This was major, this was...this was above the family's major, this was...it was CONCIL major.

"Oh my--Yayo! Yayo! come in here! Now there's--" but then the door burst open. A figure broke in, a figure cloaked in black, with a fiery mask that hid his face. I froze, in one arm was Natich, the other was at her neck, a hand pointed at her face that sparked and glowed. &Not until the end of the paragraph did I realize that the hand was sparking and glowing rather than Natich's face (which would have been a little awkward...) I'd play around with the wording until it's clear that the Natich's face is not short-circuiting.& But that wasn't the worst part, Not even after seeing Yayo's body slumped against the wall [color=#FFBF80](though I knew he was alive) &Consider eliminating this. It's out of place. It feels like a casual afterthought in the midst of all this action, and drew me out of the story.&. [/color]It was the mark on the man's right hand (the sparking one) &Same thing....Afterthought Syndrome&. It was an eagle engulfed by flames.

It was the symbol of the Herch. I had been betrayed.

CHARACTERS: Very well-developed after only a short passage.

SPELLING AND GRAMMAR: There were a few rough patches, more in the spelling department than grammar, but not nearly enough to undermine the quality of the work.

PLOT: Kept my interest.

WRITING: There were bits and pieces that weren't as strong as others, but altogether, I like you're descriptions and voice.

OVERALL: A great read. A strong read. An interesting read. In fact, I'm still interested. If you post more, feel free to PM me, cause I'll happily read and review.

One more thing...I don't know if this rule still applies (cause this is my first login in about a year O_O) but it used to be you had to review twice to receive one. If not, just ignore this...

Ciao!

Thanks for the suggestions, I've edited it accordingly, and am starting on the next section. Thanks for the compliments, and I'm Glad my writing has caught your eye. All the spelling mistakes might have been because I was writing it half-asleep.
I hope you continue reading the story.

great story, keep up. wat happens next? waiting

An interesting start for a story, I do like the world that you've shown us and the characters are great, too. From what I've read in your other review, your story has improved with the editing, but now I'm going to point out some more stuff to work on. Though, half of this stuff is nitpicks, but those are still important.

For starters, I liked how your main character was a treasure hunter; it sounds like a grand adventure for him. I think you did a good job showing this in the beginning, but this part I was slightly confused at:

I sighed half-heartedly, knowing the thrill and awe of the Finding was over, and began to walk back outside.

I could tell that there was something with 'Finding,' given the capitalization, but what is it? Is it a spell or what? And is that what's causing the thrill and awe that he's feeling? Because, the wording - 'knowing the trill and awe of the Finding was over - suggests that it's outside to what he's normally feeling. Really it's the 'knowing' that I'm having a problem with; I think there's probably a better word to use.

And now onto some nitpicky stuff.

But no, I was stuck walking for miles until i found it.

The i should be capitalized.

I swiped at her shoulder, but she danced away, leading me into the shelter of out home-away-from home.

Our instead of out.

"Oh there you are, Teron. Took you long enough. Find the scroll?"

Comma added before the name.

He whispered another choice words under his breath but I didn't press for them.

Capitalize the he and add in another space before the word in order to separate it from the words that he did speak aloud.

"Yeah, see Uncle Yayo was worried, Teron." Natich laughed.

There should be some kind of punctuation after see, whether it's a comma or a colon. And another comma before the name.

And Yayo because...well he said he was a friend of my dad's but I've never seen him before.

This sentence doesn't totally fit with the subject. It's relevant, but it doesn't really answer the question, so maybe a mention of how Teron isn't sure why Yayo follows and maybe how he feels about Yayo?

For two, it was Davina Herch. Yes, I know you think her to be the devil's spawn, but really, she's fine."

Comma added and the 'to be' is kind of needed.

A feat that had taken me a record breaking two months, and now Yayo was off to pout, and Natich was in one of her moods.

Maybe add an 'It was' at the beginning to make it flow better?

"Fine. I'm just wondering about the contents of the item since she didn't' go get it herself, or send one of her lackeys to get it."

Extra apostrophe there that you don't need.

"But this is a Herch, Teron, you know the Laketas--"

Comma added.

eyes adjusting to my use of The Sight. An ability that allowed me to see through most illusions and read every language, it came in handy with my line of work.

I know that you've fiddled with this part in the past and, while it's not an info dump anymore, it could still use some work. What I would suggest is to add 'My' before 'eyes' and maybe connecting these two together into a sentence? If you're worried about run-ons, I think that 'it came in handy with my line of work' would do a lot better on its own than the part explaining what The Sight is.

my line of work.



As my eyes swept over the page, my panic grew.

Random extra space there. It then makes me curious as to whether or not that sentence is meant to be on its own or be part of the last paragraph. Anyway, this is more a comment about the extra space than anything else.

it was CONCIL major.

This part confused me. I'm assuming that this is a acronym rather than a misspelling of council? The next question after this is whether you wish to keep the meaning of the acronym a secret until it is revealed or not. If not, then you should probably spell it out. If it is a misspelling of council, there are better ways of emphasizing words, such as bolding or italicizing the word.

All in all, I did enjoy the story and I am rather curious as to how Teron will get out of this mess as well as what exactly the scroll contained. I am even interested in who Yayo is and why he's following them around.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about my review and good luck with your writing.

- Tatra

Phoenix lands for a review

Making it water, sun, and any other damage that could come to it resistant. It was perfect for my job

,

I think you can simplify this. It sounds a bit awkward like this. To say it was resistant to all damage or something.

Few seconds later more rain thundered down until a full down pour was around me.

odd word choice.

"Great Natich, you were right," I said.

But no, I was stuck walking for miles until i found it.

Caps

"Just great."

When I was at the heart of the town a small redhead waved in my direction from a large shack.

Red head what? Specify in the same sentence. Boy, Girl?

Her bright white smile practically glowed up the-- I looked up to find the sky too dark to tell if Morning, Afternoon, or Evening.

Huh?

She laughed a high tinkling sound, and I drew closer to her unconsciously.

He was unconscious? I believe you mean subconsciously.

So don't blame that on me!" I swiped at her shoulder, but she danced away, leading me into the shelter of out home-away-from home.

If you don't actually mean danced don't use it. Also I think you mean our.

But then a stream of water form the roof fell onto my head, sending ice cold water into my clothes. I shivered, but held back a groan. Turning to glare at Natich the little jerk.

I think this can be described better.

"Thanks," I said sarcastically. She grinned manically.

"You're welcome."

Two ally's in a row. Try not to do that. Sarcastically, maniacally.

At that moment a large man with greying hair stepped out form the shack.

from

"Oh there you are Teron. Took you long enough. Find the scroll?" I nodded, and took out the capsule, waving it in front of his face.

"I see it, I see it boy. No need to rub it in my face." he whispered another choice words under his breath but I didn't press for them.

You dialogue structure is off here.

"Huh, and who funded this little treasure hunt again?" I sighed exasperatedly.

No tags like this

"Okay, for one, it's not a treasure hunt. For two it was Davina Herch. Yes, I know you think her the devil's spawn, but really, she's fine." I sighed.

Have you ever tried sighing a sentence. It's not easy. Try to avoid it, especially since you just used it.

I took off my black cloak, black shirt, and black pants, ready to change into another set of black cloak, shirt, and pants

.

That is a bit repetitive.

I frowned, the idea had come to mind before, but I'd ignored it, taking it for a stroke of luck.

I don't understand what it has to do with luck.

"I think there's something in that scroll that she wants to know, but doesn't want anyone else to know." Yayo finished. It was silent a moment, then I spoke.

Interesting start.

I think it was paced a little fast. I think you could have had the character mentally question looking at the scroll a little longer. Possibly even sleep on the idea. Because in my opinion despite protesting adamantly he cave to opening it rather quickly.

Otherwise this was a nice piece. I found a few odd word choices and overused tags. Just using said is so much better then finished, sighed, nodded.

Keep it up though I must say I am interested in what's going to happen next. Excellent ending.

Phoenix flies away